Post # 16
missapricott: it’s your wedding and who you pick to be in your wedding party is up to you, not your family. They need to understand that you are trying to keep things peaceful and safe for everyone. Ask them to please be understanding of your concerns and stress that she is still invited but she has made you scared of even your wedding day and that day is very special to you. Don’t worry about having a flower girl if your other sister can’t do it. Have a backup for grandma walking you down. If they cannot be understanding of your situation, they are making the wedding about themselves and not you and your Fiance. And if so, you may need to deal with the fact that they’re not there. But I wouldn’t take chances with her if she is that unpredictable.
Post # 17
missapricott: I was sick for a very long time, much like you describe your sister. We actually shared quite a few traits. Please, do what you think is best, but realize that this is an illness. No one wants to be that way. It may take years of different meds, years of different therapies and therapists, and years of self-help before she really gets “better”. She was on her meds. A lot of meds that are mood stabilizers will work for just a short time and then they quit working. It’s just not the right med for that person. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I adore my sisters, but years ago (I’ve been good for about 8 years now) I was awful to them. I was mean and horrible and nasty and as I laid awake at night, in moments of clarity, the regret of that ate me alive… it’s hard to even be around people when you feel like that.
If you don’t want her in your bridal party, don’t. It’s your wedding. You get this one day to call the shots. Also, and this is deeply biased of me, don’t count her out yet. Don’t severe all ties, not while she’s trying, even sporadically. Not everyone who is mentally ill comes back, but some do. It helps to know there’s a home somewhere to come back to.
Post # 18
missapricott: i would change your plans and have a secret wedding and not invite your family. I wouldnt even risk not inviting them since they ay crash it to ruin it, i would make it as secret as possible which i understand isn’t realistic right now since you are 3 months away from the wedding…
uninvite them and see how it goes? i dont even know but i would take their threat of ruining your wedding seriously.
Post # 19
Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts and advice. I had a discussion with both sides of my family and after some time of trying to get them to see my position, we finally came to an agreement. My mother and yougner sister who is the flower girl will be there. As well as my grandma, although it took a heated discussion between her and my fiance to get her to turn around. So as it stands now, my family is relunctantly accepting my decision to keep her out of the bridal party. I said I would still like her as a guest, but unfortuneatly my sister will not speak to me and will not attend the wedding.
Overall, I do feel more at ease. I wish she would at least come to the wedding, but there is not much I can do there. She cannot see my reasoning on this ordeal.
I am grateful that this situation did get a little better. Hopefully everyone will get along and still come out to my wedding day. I am so thankful for all of the advice and support on this forum, I truly do appreciate all insight!
Post # 20
I am sorry to hear you struggled with that for so long. I do try to remind myself of her mental illness and do take it into consideration. I still love my sister and still want her to be a part of my life, but sometimes that is very difficult when she does nothing but lash out at me, threats me, hurts me, etc. And I wish she would at least express some amount of apology for the hurtful things she says and does, but she continually does these things without sign of remorse or regret. Regardless, I will continue to encourage her to seek help and get medication. Hopefully one day, she can understand my decision for removing her from the bridal party. Maybe she will find the right combonation of medication and we can form a bond later on in life. But until then, I am not going to over exhert myself or risk her ruining a special day for me. I still extend my invite to attend the wedding, but it looks as if she will not come.
Post # 21
missapricott: I hate to say this but I do want to help and I want you to be prepared for the future: this is not over. If your wedding day goes perfectly and you give everyone what they want and you have a very harmonious perfect wedding day, it is still not over. There is a precedent set that these cycles of events are going to continue and when you have children they will still probably continue. Unfortunately, it would seem that all you can do in the situation is what you feel the right thing is to do. This is your wedding day if you don’t want a bridesmaid for whatever the reason then they should respect it however it doesn’t mean they are going to family or not. I would strongly suggest letting everyone know that you are not having her as a bridesmaid not just for you but also for her safety as you don’t feel like she is mentally capable of handling the responsibility. And in truth it doesn’t seem that she is mentally capable of handling this. Let everyone know that you want them there and regardless of what nasty things they may say let them know that the doors open to them to be there. All you can do is leave the door open and be kind but you can’t control their actions. Be prepared for retaliation and be prepared for your sister to come and try to ruin your wedding day, if anyone gets out of hand have security escort them out and deal with it on a later day. Its security knows ahead of time they will stop anything before it happens and you don’t even need to get your hands dirty. I’m not trying to sound mean I’m just trying to be pragmatic. I’m really sorry for your situation but you can’t go on continually appeasing people that can not be pleased. All it’s going to do is exhaust you and they will still be upset with you about something.