(Closed) Family Drama (long)

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  I think it’s pretty immature of him not to discuss these things with you as they were occurring since you and your siblings appear to be adults.  Growing up, did he ever have behavior that indicated this or is this rather sudden, out of the blue?  However, your father is an adult and you have to respect his wishes as he should respect yours.  Your mother is doing a worse thing by not acknowledging both of you.  I really think that counseling for all of you would be good.  But just keep in mind, since you mentioned you’re a Christian, that you must love your neighbor and that includes family.  You shouldn’t condone his behavior if you don’t want to and you have every right to withdraw your husband and child from them if you want.  My only suggestion is trying to speak to your mother in private about how you feel, reiterate to her that you will not accept his behavior.

Post # 4
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My only advice is to really look at whats important. Sometimes we get so caught up in the here and now that we can’t see the big picture. Is it more important to you to have your mom there as you have your first child? Or is it more important to stand your ground with your dad? Only you can decide which is most important since you will never be able to get this experience back.

Post # 6
581 posts
Busy bee

I can understand your feelings with regard to your father, and I can understand your father’s view also.  I’ve known some amazing people who have lived a lie because the truth would hurt their family.  My thought is that your father has finally decided to live as he feels he should.  The sad thing is that he didn’t take the initiative, to talk to his wife and you and your brother and be open and honest with his feelings. He is overcompensating for what he “thinks” is the right way to do things. 

I don’t think he will have a negative affect on your child.  Are your afraid he may sexually abuse your baby?  I know families with all types of parent combinations, and if you handle questions in a matter-of-fact manner, the child is fine.  When you put your personal bias in the mix, the child is confused and internalizes the negativity. 

I think your father’s idea of how to be a woman is a little off.  If you are comfortable with it, you could help him with this.  I know this is a big step, but can you imagine being one way on the outside with people having a certain impression of you, and you feel like a creature in someone elses skin?  This is probably how he has felt for years.

Your mom is in the worst place here–right in the middle.  I know you need to do what is right for you, but please think a little outside the box.  Are you worried about what others think?  In the bigger picture, family is what counts.  What if it was your child who was struggling with their sexuality?  Just a thought.

I’ve seen people struggle with this situation and have seen all of them lose.  It’s really, really sad.  Not easy, but sad.

Somestimes the truth is the best.  “Dad, I love you, but this new you is creeping me out!?    When wait for his response.  Just a suggestion.

You are in a difficult place.  I wish you all the best.

Post # 7
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I can too understand your feelings on this matter, and you really do need to stand your ground if you feel that way. You have to do what you feel is best for your child, no matter if your mother or father agrees or disagrees with this. It isn’t their place, and they have to respect your decision.

Post # 8
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Okay…first off…Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I am so sorry your father is acting like this. I can’t imagine how you and your family feel right now, other than betrayed, confused and frustrated. 

I don’t have a relationship with my father (basically the same reasons, different story) so it’s hard for me to try and look at it from his side. It sucks your mom refuses to see her grandchild 🙁 I have no advice, I’m sorry. 

Post # 10
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Wow.  I COMPLETELY understand you cutting him out of your life.  It sounds like he’s all about everyone just agreeing with him instead of listening to what you are saying.  Yeah, he has the right to be whoever he thinks he is, but you have the right to have feelings about that too.

I wish I had advice, but if you are going to make your mom choose between her husband and her grandchild, she’s going to choose her husband (only because she hasn’t formed a bond with the grandchild yet).  The only thing I can recommend is for you to handwrite a letter to your mom explaining how important you feel she is to her grandchild and detailing what role you wish her to play in her grandchild’s life.  A letter is ideal because she can’t just hang up a phone or interrupt you.  It allows you to put it all out on the table, and leave the ball in her court.  After that, you can’t do anything, it’s up to her to act.  I hope (for your sake and your baby’s sake) that she will choose to support you as a family.

Post # 11
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

First, I would suggest counseling.  This is an incredibly complex issue and I think you will need professional help and advice. 

You need to understand what your father is going through, what that means for your relationship with your mother, and also how to cope with your own emotions.  It might also do you some good to figure out what you think a woman “really is” and why you think that way.

I don’t think you can expect your mother to chose you or your unborn child over her husband.  In fact, I think it is unfair to do so.  I don’t think it is unreasonable that, given the circumstances, she would want you to come to her.

Post # 12
26 posts
  • Wedding: November 2011

I just don’t even understand some of the responses on here. Shouldn’t we be more accepting of people? I realize you’re here to look for support and not someone to change your mind, which I have no intentions of doing, there can be a lot more going on that I don’t know about and it would be hard for me to judge the situation fairly,

but on the surface it sounds like your father has decided that he should be a woman rather than a man, this is not crossdressing, and it’s not selfish or him putting his life before anyone elses. He, based on the little bit of info you have provided, is transgendered and probably has felt like he should have been born a woman and has dealt with societies rules that he is a man and should act like one, self denial and gender roles lead him to what has been his life. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or want to be a part of your life, even when he says this past year has been the  best. That doesn’t mean everything else was meaningless, it’s just for a person who was born in the wrong body, they live there whole lives living a lie and are afraid of being who they are, when they do they are often met with negativity and disgust (as seems to be the case here) He (or rather she) was finally able to live life being the person they always felt they were, that’s a huge relief and can make someone feel 10 times better, again it doesn’t mean that you mean nothing, but walking a mile in another’s shoes can do wonders.

Sit down and have a talk with your father, explain how this has affected you, and listen to your father as well about what he is going through and how it affects him If you’re struggling with the way he “portrays” a woman, explain to him that he is not acting appropriately for either sex, and offer him help, guidence, he needs just as much support right now (and it appears your mother is the only one willing to provide it) as you do at this point in time.

Post # 14
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I do agree with Mighty that if you can’t find a middle ground with your father, you are probably cutting ties with your mom.

I can’t even fathom what you are going through, but my calculus professor is not a “mrs Dee”. Used to be a David. And a captain in the army. He has 4 sons and is still married to his wife. i used to run into him at the gym and it was all very surreal. I always wondered about his family. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this and while I can see both sides, logically, as an outsider, I have no idea how i’d actually react! You have to do what’s right for your budding family, though

Post # 15
348 posts
Helper bee

This sounds like a really difficult situation, and I assume it’s difficult for your father as well.  The only advice I really have is to try to leave open the possibility that, at some future time, you and your father will be able to have a relationship again.  Right now that might not seem possible, but if he’s just come out as transgendered, his life must be very much in flux.  Who knows where he’ll end up five years from now?  And maybe your mom will take it better if you phrase it as “I can’t handle interacting with him now, we can revisit the situation in a year (or a few years, or whatever), but at the moment it’s too emotionally charged for me and trying to force it is just going to make things harder in the future.”

If you do want some kind of communication with your father (if only to be able to state how you feel) it might be worth writing a letter.  Right now, he probably takes your unwillingness to be around him as a rejection of his being transgender.  It sounds like you are actually more upset about feeling lied to, and about the way that he’s treated you recently.  A letter might let you express that clearly.

Finally, yes, counseling of some sort to help you deal with your own emotions might be helpful.  You mentioned you are religious – is this something you could talk to an understanding pastor about?  (Also, I know it’s hard, but try not to take your father’s rejection of your religious beliefs too seriously right now.  Transgender people spend a lot of time hearing self-identified Christians say hateful things about them, and it can make it difficult to remember that Christianity can be a force for good in peoples lives).

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