- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2009
Let me just say upfront that I am looking for advice and support, not someone trying to convince me to change my mind.
Anyway, I’ve had issues with my father for a long time. Whether it was because I did not feel respected or he was trying to control my life, I have never seen eye-to-eye with him. He seemed to have a certain view of me and refused to believe that I could change. He refused to compromise with me on issues that I found important. For instance, I’m an author and my father self-published my first two books. If I felt strongly about keeping or getting rid of something, he would always refuse to listen and would do whatever he wanted, some of which I didn’t find out until the book was printed.
In May of last year, I found out that my father was crossdressing and wanted to be a woman (and I mean as in wanting to have the sex change surgery and everything). Since then, he has legally changed his name (first and last), which my mom did not find out about until he was in the process of having it done already. He is taking hormone pills, dresses like a woman full time outside of the house, and has changed his entire persona. I will note that he is going to counseling (so is my mom). My parents are still married.
Understandably, I was very hurt by all this, but especially because of the deceit. My parents had been married for 25 years when everything was revealed. The name change was occurring around the time of my wedding last year, but I didn’t find out about it until January. This, to me, is like him throwing our family name into the dirt and stepping on it. It said that he didn’t care about his family at all, because his crossdressing was more important to him.
He has a very skewed view of what a woman is, which makes me extremely uncomfortable. He tries to deal with me as if he were a woman, which to me comes off as emotional and meek. He doesn’t want to outright confront me and apologizes for how he made me feel, not for his role in it. Also, I’m a Christian and he outwardly expressed doubts that I can know where I feel God is leading me, especially when it comes to my decision to move to Indiana instead of staying close to home.
When I found out that I was pregnant, it raised a lot of issues. I had to start thinking about what kind of role I wanted my father to have in my family. My family had a mediation in March about the issues, where my husband and I were setting some boundaries when it came to our future child. However, the mediation ended horribly. My father basically said that the last year of his life was more important to him than any other time before that. He said that we (my brother, myself, and our spouses) could not possibly know anything because of our age and our lack of emotional, spiritual, and mental maturity.
After the mediation, my husband and I decided to cut off all contact with my father.
The day after the mediation was my baby shower. It wasn’t until just a few days ago that I found out that my father was very upset that he wasn’t invited. A lot of drama followed that night as well.
Just a few weeks ago, my aunt had a baby shower as well, and since my father is not allowed in their home, he went out, rented a hotel room, invited himself to the shower and arrived as a woman. Mind you, everything was already planned out and arranged, and he did this without warning. Nobody is happy about the situation.
My decision to not be around my father has started other problems as well. My mom was originally planning on coming up in July after the baby is born. However, since I refuse to be around my father and do not want him to be around my child, my mom has changed her mind and isn’t coming. There were a lot of excuses thrown around about why my father would have to come, such as so he could drive, though there are other options. I know for a fact that my sister-in-law offered to come with my mom, but my mom said no. To note, my mom was going to stay with a nearby relative about 4 hours away and needed someone to pick her up from the airport and then down to visit me. She’s keeping herself away from her first grandchild and has made it seem that I have to go down to her to visit if I want her involved in my child’s life.
My brother and his wife are very supportive of my decision to keep my father away from my child, but my mother, while understanding, keeps trying to convince me that he hasn’t progressed so it’s okay, or that my child won’t remember him anyway because he/she would be too young. This doesn’t change anything for me, and I’m sticking to my decision, but I don’t know how to deal with this, especially when it comes to my mother.