- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
I have a dilema so I need some other peoples opinions! Here is the short version:
My husband and I got married in October 2012. We had been dating 5.5 years by that point and from the day I met his mom (after dating for 1 month) she LOVED me. We used to joke that she would adopt me if she could. My husband has 1 full blood younger sister (currently 19) and 6 step sisters ranging from 19-30. His mom and the step sisters have never gotten along well so thats why when she like me so much we joke about how I was the 2nd daughter she never had. Well that all changed the second we got engaged (after 3.5 years of dating). She was happy at first, she knew about it before he popped the question. Well two weeks later she handed my husband a list of AT LEAST 30 people that we were expected to invite on her behalf. These were mostly people that my husband had seen maybe 1 time when he was a child (his moms best friends parents who once invited them to Thanksgiving when he was 6 and my husband didn’t even remember their names). Had his mom been the one paying for the wedding we would have given her a little more say in the decision making, however we were 100% responsible for everything and never asked for a dime of help. We sat her down early on and said basically: we will invite your family members (step family that we really have NO RELATIONSHIP with) but we are not having kids at the wedding (theres at leat 5 kids between the step sisters) – but even my niece and nephew who were in the wedding were going back to the hotel room with a babysitter after the ceremony. We also told her that we would consider inviting some of her friends on the list she gave us if they were people important in my husbands life but we simply could not invite everyone. This was the turning point – she has not liked me since and we believe it is because all these years she thought she had control of her son and his decision making and now she believes that I am coming in and taking over that roll. This is not the case at all – she never had control of her sons decisions, she just thought she did because he does not like to argue with her so he just listens to what she has to say and then goes and does his own thing. I do not control his decision making now – we are couple and we discuss things and make choices together. This is something she lacks in her own relationship and we know this because she is constantly asking us not to mention certain things (mostly about spending $$) to her husband.
The other main factor is that my husbands little sister (19 years old) is extremely spoiled by his mom and has some serious entitlement issues. She is a spoiled brat and has quite the list of experiences that prove she is neither responsible or deserving of many favors. She has had problems with drinking in the past (DUI at 17 being just 1). We told his mom MONTHS in advance not to be the one to provide alcolhol to her at the wedding. The night before at the rehearsal dinner the mom and daughter sat next to each other and it turns out the daughter was “sneaking” wine from her moms glass -when this became apparent his mom says “what am I supposed to do?” Umm…..MOVE THE GLASS SO SHE CAN’T GET IT! My husbands sister drank so much at the rehearsal dinner that when she went to go hang out in his hotel room with the him and the groomsmen she was so drunk she could not stand up and had to be taken back to her room.
Additionally – for months leading up to the wedding she bugged and bugged and bugged us about letting her invite a friend to the wedding (she can’t even come to our house and go to the bathroom without her friend going into the bathroom with her). We told her no at first because we made a choice a long time before that if family members were not dating anyone when invitations went out they did not get to bring a date. Well she harped so much that 3 weeks before the wedding we gave in said she could bring one so they would leave us alone, as we were so stressed trying to get everything together. We gave her ONE condition, she was not to invite one person in particular because a month earlier she brought that person into our home and they were both completely disrepectful and the girl tried to pee in the back of my husbands car (yes, in the car). She agreed to this and told me she would be bringing someone else.
The day of the wedding (thanks to twitter) I found out that they had lied and really brough the person we told her not to bring. I texted her and asked and she told me the truth. I was LIVID. The sister and my husbands mom also chose the morning of the wedding to go to his hotel room and start a fight with him over how I confronted her about bringing the one person we told her not to.
So as a recap the only things we asked of his mom and sister were that 1) we invite guests that we actually have a realationship with (we were paying $100/head) 2) that his sister not drink alcohol and his mom not provide her with alcohol and 3) she not bring one particular person.
Our venue is very strict on underage drinking and our coordinator told us if they found underage drinking they would shut the reception down. Allowing his underage sister to drink is definitely not worth shutting down our wedding reception! Well turns out the coordinator saw her and her friend drinking behind a bush and told us so we would be aware. My husband called her cell phone to tell her to stop and she says “Stop trippin'” and hung up on him.
At this point my sister went to talk to his parents to ask them to keep her in line or she would be asked to leave (she eventually was told not to come into the reception as she was not welcome -don’t worry she showed up later anyway). This is when his mom went off on my sister about “picking on” his sister. No one was picking on anyone – we simply asked her to abide by the law by not drinking and to respect our wishes. That was too much for them.
Then, his moms best friends husband actually started yelling at my husband in the middle of dinner for being disrepectful to his mom! In total, 25% of the people that attended the wedding were invited only for the purpose of making his mom happy. We spent $100/head before even counting the bar which was propbably another $25/head.
My dilemma is this -we have not spoken since the wedding, she did not show up for brunch the next morning, did not call for christmas or anything. At the rehearsal dinner she gave us a wedding gift of $1000. My husband and I went back and forth after the wedding about whether or not to return the gift. We ended up keeping it partially because we just did not want to contact her and because we felt that $1000 is the LEAST she can contribute after the hell she put us through for almost 2 years. (somehow she thought this was her wedding).
So now I am sending out thank you cards and I am torn over if I should send her one. My husband wants me to because its “the right thing” to send a thank you card for a gift but I am really and scared to because I don’t want to encourage her to contact us.
I’m not really concerned with whether you think it was right to keep the money or not – believe it or not that really was the short version of the story. Please tell me if you think I should send a thank you card to her and the rest of the family after all that drama?