(Closed) Family drama over Facebook post

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
7449 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think it’s great that you called your aunt out, and I think it’s great that your mom is backing you up. But this probably isn’t the last time this is going to happen, and if you do need to call your aunt out again, a more gently worded message might actually help get her to see your point instead of sending her into defensive mode. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

Post # 17
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

stardustintheeyes :   No apologies for doing the right thing.  I am glad your mom supported you. 

I would advise you to reject cultural norms that seem backwards. You are a grown woman who seems sensible. Don’t let your elders insist they are always right. 

I was raised in a Latin family and your family just seems a bit katty. I wouldn’t expect this sort of behavior from my mother’s sisters. 

Post # 18
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I don’t think this is the most ridiculous thread ever, actually. Little things like this can really come between people and I think the way it’s handled is important.

I think you’re fully in the right that her behavior was unwise and unkind and just generally not what we need more of in the world. However, I think publicly shaming your aunt for publicly shaming this woman was not the best choice, and likely not the most effective one, either. Had you sent her a personal message using a respectful tone (not because she is your elder but because she is a person), things might have turned out differently. And I certainly think resorting to name-calling is never okay (but I totally understand getting angry).

My suggestion given where you are now would be this:

“Dear Auntie ___,

I think the situation with the Facebook post has gotten out of hand. When I saw it, it really struck a chord with me and I became very upset – enough to post a comment that I can see now was needlessly inflammatory and public. However, my stance that your original post was misguided still stands, and I still feel concerned by it. It pains me to see someone I love and respect act in ways I find reprehensible. I hope you will consider my viewpoint when I say that I believe all people have a right to a bit of privacy and slack – whether or not they choose to wear panties on a summer afternoon. I tell you because I care for you.

Love,

OP”

Post # 19
Member
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I think what your aunt did was wrong and you were right to call her on it. However, I think indirectly, not understanding how your culture may view it, you might have embarrassed your aunt by calling her out so publicly. You sort of did the same as what she did. Now, if (and it’s a big if) you think she would have still responded and taken the post down if you had private messaged her then give her an apology – “I believe you were wrong for posting that status as I mentioned in my comment however I admit I could have handled the situation better and informed you why it was disrespectful via a private message and for that I’m sorry”. If she would have still kept the post up after you had private messaged her, I think that’s different because it’s clear she hasn’t learnt her lesson and actually only took it down because of her embarrassment. So I guess it depends on your aunt and what you think her reaction would have been if you sent a private message.

Post # 21
Member
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would say, “I’m sorry you think I’m wrong in this situation, but you need to understand that what you did was disrespectful to that girl.” You technically did say sorry 🙂 My point though, is that I would stand my ground. She can be mad all she wants, which I’m sure she will get over soon anyway, but she should know you’re not going to change your mind, espeically if your mom agrees with you. Don’t give in to your aunt because she’s being a bully.

Post # 22
Member
3064 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

stardustintheeyes :  I am so glad you said something. This whole ‘trend’ of posting pictures of people online is SO DISGUSTING and flat out cruel. You aunt was a jerk and Im sure this will die down but keep standing up for yourself.

You are a good person to call her out. I would have done the same thing. I dont understand why people feel the need to be such jerks to each other.

Also- do NOT apologize. You did the right thing. And you did it in a respectful way. If you aunt doesnt want you to call her out on her bad behavior, then maybe just dont be FB friends.

Post # 23
Member
1495 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

stardustintheeyes :  I’ve never been in a situation like this so I really can’t say how I’d react or if I’d say anything but I applaud you for sticking up for this stranger, it definitely was not appropriate to take a photo of her without her consent, especially since the woman most likely did not know she was exposed. I would not apologize because you did the right thing and you mom is right in backing you up. Your aunt should be embarassed and stop turning this on you because YOU are not in the wrong.

Post # 25
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Don’t apologize, she’s being ridiculous. She chose to post that on Facebook (which was totally wrong), she doesn’t get to get mad at people for having an opinion on it. Ridiculous. So she can get offended at someone else being offended, but how dare someone be offended at something that she posts? Just silly.

I may consider half-apologizing if your mom wanted you to (“I’m sorry I didn’t message you privately,” “I’m sorry that you were embarrassed”), but your mom told you not to. She is an adult and can decide if she is okay with taking your aunts harrassing her. She decided that it was worth it to have you not back down. Good for your mom!

They’ll back down eventually, and hopefully after this they’ll realize that they can’t bully you or your mom.

Post # 26
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’ve been in a similar situation. However, I approached it from a different way.

My mother (not that this is unusual for her…) posted a comment to an article that was pretty disgusting. The comment basically was grouping an entire race together and wishing them all harm. Now, keep in mind, while its not okay for whatever race it might have been, this particular race is what my Fiance belongs to and someday would be what our biracial children belong to. She also had friends of this particular race/ethnicity friended from Facebook games. 

My mom and I had talk after talk about how frustrating it is to see people see someone commit one bad deed and then lump everyone in that race with them. So, it never got any less frustrating when I would see her comment these things as if no memory of these conversations we had.

Anyhow, the second I saw her comment…I texted her. I basically said, “while I under the article was very emotional and terrible…and while I understand you felt a great level of upset..it’s completely not okay to insult an entire group of people the way you just did. I’m extremely hurt by your words and I expected better.”

She quickly edited her comment and told me “you’re right, I changed it.”…

While I can’t say my mother was any better in private with her prejudices…it did achieve the result of having her remove it and having her be more careful about what she lets slip to others. While I hoped all the talks we had in private would help her achieve a higher level of compassion…it really just helped her with maintaining a good face to everyone except me. Your direct comment on the post probably didn’t help with avoiding her getting defensive. You may have had better luck doing it privately especially if she’s a person you otherwise have respect for. Doing it by phone or text message would have given her the benefit not to be embarrassed publicly but to still remove her post. 

However, nothing you did warrants you giving an apology. What she was wrong. Hold your boundaries because right now she’s trying to test them. Eventually she’ll get over it.

Post # 27
Member
8673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

stardustintheeyes :  I would have done the same thing. She was being a bully and you called her on her shit. I say well done. 

ETA: I just saw your post about how she always twists words and goes running to your mom to tattle on you. Why on earth do you even bother dealing with her anymore? I have a few family members that I just don’t bother with anymore – life is too short to waste more time than necessary on people that suck just because we share a bloodline. 

Post # 28
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

stardustintheeyes :  I 100% think you did the right thing and you were tactful in your resposne as well. If she feels disrespected that you told her you had an issue, imagine how disrespected the blue dress woman feels being ridiculed online (if she somehow found out).

I hate that now there is this online culture where old people (really not even old, just 40+) can say whatever they want because it’s “their opinion” and in their day “people weren’t so easily offended.” UMM? First of all, you can have an opinion without being a dick. Second, people got mad when people of other races wanted to use the same bathrooms, so yes, people WERE so easily offended. Third, if standing up for people whose voices have been stifled for whatever reason (unawareness of the picture being taken, or on a bigger level like races/religions/etc) is considered wrong, then I’d rather be wrong all day.

You did the right thing. Good for you.

Post # 29
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee

“The next day my aunt called my mother to tell her she was extremely disappointed that i would embarrass her that way on social media and how disrespectful I was”

LOL, how ironic. I would point that out to her.

Post # 30
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Your aunt is in the wrong but maybe you should have PM’ed her about it rather than calling it cruel, etc. Clearly she’s proud and embarrassed and will not admit to it because how you handled it wasn’t very sensible either. Coming from a European family I know that personal pride trumps the wellbeing of a stranger in their books, so I don’t think she’ll ever understand. I’d apologize for publically shaming her no matter how right you are. Also another trick I found useful (when it comes to my brother in law and his inappropriate quasi racist and sexist posts) is unfolllwing him from my newsfeed. Unfortunately some arguments will never be won and sometimes ignorance (not knowing what is being said) is bliss. 

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