(Closed) Family drama over ring

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 92
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

 

noms…cake:  Well, I sincerely hope Alzheimer’s is not the issue here! Doesn’t sound like it is, so that’s good (although, he seems to have ‘selective’ Alzheimer’s). I can understand your frustration… I don’t know how I would deal with parents that are manipulative hypocrits. I hope they come around some day and you have this fairy-tale movie moment where you warm their stone-cold hearts and teach them that happiness doesn’t come from material things and social status! You will put your mom in some old clothes and have her get her hands dirty building a garden with you and you’ll laugh and tease each other and she will say “well, darling, I never knew this could be so much fun! Screw the country club!” and you’ll all live happily ever after!

If not…. that’s the way the cookie crumbles and you’ll start a new family with your Fiance and your parents will just be grandmother and grandfather who live in the states and send christmas cards (hopefully with some money, lol) to your children. Either way, I’m confident you will be happy in life. Don’t let it get you down too much and don’t fight your parents. They are set in their ways and you just have to accept it and let their comments roll off your back.

Post # 93
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

noms…cake:  Hey! I think its a shitty situation you had to go through, and your parents sound, well, unique, if I may put it nicely. I am really sorry you had to go through this ordeal when the occasion should be joyous.

i read over your story and your responses (as well as responses from other bees), and although some people may telling you to exclude your parents or elope, the decision may not be that simple. Although it is easy to just say “eff it, let’s elope” if you are angry over family drama, decisions are always made best when we are in our wise-mind. At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself a couple of questions. The way I see it, there are three questions to consider that will render three different results:

1) Do you want to continue the way things are, and try your best to ignore the comments and drama from your parents (by the way, I think this is WAY easier said than done, I feel like people are implying that it will be easy to just ignore various comments, but your parents opinions can have an effect on you even if you don’t realize it. They don’t have to love the ring, but they also don’t have to throw plates or even make negative comments about the ring either. Just thought I would add that in case their comments are still getting to you ad you feellike you *should* ignore them, which isn’t necessarily true or easy, not to sway your thinking)?

2) Would you like to cut off contact from your parents or have a more strained relationship?

3) Would you like them to understand that you are 26, indepenent, and you won’t always see eye-to-eye with them on everything in life, but you would still like them to respect your decisions and your own unique way of doing things? (they certainly don’t have to like it, but they can respect it). 

 

The reason I ask is that I feel like excluding them or eloping may add more feul to the fire. Your parents sound like they are hot-headed and set in their ways, so it is unlikely that they will ever see eloping or exclusion as a result of their behaviour, and may even see it as milicious. I know it may not seem like a big deal now at this point in your life and relationship, but it can still carry on. I will give you an example. My boyfriend’s sister is 17 years older than him and we saw the ‘eloping’ path play out as a result of his unreasonable parents. They didn’t like her future husband and caused A LOT of unnecessary drama around the wedding. Instead of trying to really figure out the problem or work on the issue as a family, my Future Sister-In-Law and her now-husband eloped. My boyfriend’s parents are stubborn and hot-headed (they didn’t talk for 5 years over it), and to this day, they remember how hurt they were. Moreover, though they felt releif at the time, my Future Sister-In-Law and her husband regret that decision now. At the end of the day, a wedding IS mostly about the couple, but I come from a big fat Greek family which is a little more collective, and a daughter getting married is just as important to parents as it would be important to the bride (and I am not exaggerating). My Future Brother-In-Law feels like he robbed his father-in-law the opportunity to walk his daughter down the aisle, and now that he has a daughter, he deeply regrets the decision.

I know that people have thrown in their opinions, but at the end of the day, you have to consider what YOU want and the type of relationship YOU and your fiance want to have with your parents. I work in counseling and family therapy, believe it or not, these issues can be handled and delt with, and it may better your relationship. I know counselling isn’t about giving advice but more about working with what the client wants as a goal, so I am sorry that I gave my two-cents. But there is only so much I can do with one post from behind a keyboard, LOL. I also feel like I may be adding a perspective that hadn’t been added.

Anyway, I wish you all the best with your decision, and I hope you are happy overall! your ring is beautiful and you sound like you are strong, independent, and decisive, which are incredible strengths. I hope your parents appreciate that about you 😀 

 

Post # 95
Member
12208 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

My guess is that  the real issue, despite the comments of the inevitablity of your marriage, is they  don’t want you to marry  FI and are desperately doing what they can to prevent it. Part of me thinks they are trying to scare him off with this crazy behavior. After all, who wants to marry into dysfunctional and crazy?   If Fiance  was country club correct with great career prospects but not a whole lot of money, I’ll bet anything you could have been wearing a ring pop ring for all they’d care. 

Post # 96
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

noms…cake:  It was no problem. If the situation has gone that far, that is an understandable reason to elope and I can see why you and your fiance would consider. Your mom sounded like she was on the right track (somewhat) with that half-assed apology (I thought, maybe a step in the right direction?) but it sounds like it has gotten worse after that. My boyfriend deals with a lot of issues like the one you are going through, so I see second-hand the effects it has on a person. Stay strong, and adopt your fiance’s family as your own, it sound like your future in-laws are awesome. Your fiance sound amazing too! 

Maybe time is all that is needed to let this sort of diffuse, and then a conversation can be had abut how this makes you feel. Parents should be there there for love and support. They may not agree with your choice in ring, decore, etc., but this isn’t abou them, its about YOU and your marriage to your partner. I don’t think your parents are bad people or bad parents, I just think they had a certain standard set for you (which is kind of a compliment, they want what they perceive to be the best for you) and they don’t know how to let it go/can’t understand why that would make you happy. 

As for your extended family, that is really shitty that nobody acknowledged your engagement. That is almost like they don’t take your relationship seriously. If you are feeling depressed about it, which is totally valid, talk to someone who understands your family (we don’t know the whole history here) or a professional who will help you sort out how you feel and help you chose a course of action. 

All the best! and congratulations on your engagement! celebrate with your fiance, in-laws, friends, and surrogate family. having that support all around you at once can make the world of a difference! 

Post # 97
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

Hands down the craziest sh*t I have ever read on WeddingBee.

Post # 99
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

New here and just saw this, have to say WTH is wrong with some people?!?!  Just to throw my two cents in, your ring is absolutely gorgeous!  I’d be thrilled with such a unique token of your lives together.  : )    For those who are throwing a fit over it…the ones NOT wearing it… well, scr*w them. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  MrsShipman.
Post # 100
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

noms…cake, I sure hope that you’re having a happier spring.

And, it’s a good thing that you’re not planning on tattoo wedding bands, huh? 😉

Post # 101
Member
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

noms…cake:  Wow. Just wow. How cold and inconsiderate of your parents. Sending you huge hugs through internet. Let them relax few days and let the dust settle. At the end of the day, ring is just a piece of a metal and what really matters is your relationship with your Fiance. They will come around eventually I hope, and meanwhile congratulations on your engagement and I personally thing your ring is beautiful!!!

 

Post # 102
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

You poor thing. I just read this entire thread, and I feel so mad at your parents!!!! They are behaving like a pair of spoilt children. I nearly sprayed coffee out my nose laughing over the reaction to the tattoo – I’m so sorry, it’s really not funny but it just sounded hilarious your country-club mum carrying on about you being marked of the beast etc etc

You and your Fiance sound like you have an amazing and supportive relationship, and are very much able to do this your own way without input from your parents. Unless your family starts behaving like reasonable human beings I’d totally agree with your decision to elope!! 

Big hugs!

 

 

Post # 103
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

Okay, so I just slogged through all seven pages and I just want to say that I am amazed at how down-to-earth and level headed you turned out growing up in a household like that. Your Fiance sounds like a great guy as does his family. Eloping (ESPECIALLY in your case) sounds romantic and wonderful. They’ll be dissapointed in you either way so why not go the least stressful wedding route? Have a bang-up party with all your reasonable family afterwards.

Post # 104
Member
774 posts
Busy bee

noms…cake:  well this level of ridiculous has only one solution. You have to tell your parents that you broke up with your Fiance. The next day, bring home your new girlfriend. Let that sit for about a week, then casually mention how Fiance has been calling and dIis trying to woo you back. They will then think it is a splendid idea! Go back to Fiance and revel in the peace.

But still elope. If this is the ring reaction, I cant even imagine how much your choice of tablecloths would crush your poor mother’s soul.

Post # 105
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - His Way Church & Chesapeake Room @ Downs Park

I just wanted to say that I agree with what Chrissy said regarding your Dad. As soon as I read the post, his mental state came to mind. Obviously, there is more going on here than that, but it definitely sounds like his reaction is a result of either Alzhiemer’s or a similar brain related issue. Let’s hope that’s not the case, but it could explain at least a little bit for what’s going on. 

Also, not to alarm you, but before my grandfather died, we found out he had brain cancer. As his mind deteriorated from the disease, he became very hostile toward my grandmother and other family members and said things that were out of left field. Like I said, I hope that none of these things are the case, but hopefully someone (if not you) can convince your father to go get examined by a doctor. As far as your mother is concerned, there’s no advice there. 

Goodluck!

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