- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2016
My fiance and I have been engaged since July 2013 and we haven’t planned anything yet…I got my dress and that’s pretty much it. Not because we don’t want to be married, but because neither of us want to plan the wedding. We already live together and as we aren’t planning to have kids for several years, there isn’t really any incentive to marry in the near future. Especially with things the way they are.
For several reasons, I think it would be best for us to elope. As I said, neither of us wants to plan a wedding. Neither of us sees the idea of a wedding as a particularly big deal, especially for the amount of time and money it would be worth…as long as we’re together it doesn’t matter what the formalities are. We want to be married, but don’t particularly want to GET married, with all the social and financial implications that carries. Not judging anyone else for their choice to have a big fancy wedding, but that’s how we feel. Plus tbh I feel like eloping is more romantic.
I also feel that a wedding, in our current situation, would just be awkward. My immediate family is…a bit dysfunctional. I don’t speak to my dad anymore. My brother is an alcoholic who verbally abuses my mom (and used to physically abuse her as well) and is kind of a loose cannon, like, all the time. My mom and brother have strained relations with the rest of my extended family so I am not close to my cousins and so on at all (they are perfectly nice people but I don’t have much in common with them anyway). In general we are seen as the “Jerry Springer” part of the family.
In addition to that I don’t have a lot of close friends…I used to a couple of years ago but after college people moved away or changed and you know how that goes, people just drifting out of your life. I have maybe six friends who I could invite and most of them would have to travel quite some distance to get to the wedding so I feel bad asking them to do so. I’m not even planning to have a maid of honor because I don’t have a best friend, or bridesmaids because I feel it’s too much to ask. My fiance doesn’t really have any friends he regularly hangs out with anymore (even though I always try to tell him to have a guys’ night out and so on) but at least he has a lot of old friends he could invite, who still think fondly of him. I don’t know who his best man would be either, though.
Ok so here’s the drama part…my Mother-In-Law to be has other ideas about how our wedding should go. She is from Bangladesh and apparently in Bangladesh weddings are like a huge 3-day affair where you invite basically everyone in your entire extended family and it’s a super huge deal and super fancy and so on. My fiance is also the only grandchild of her grandparents, and her only child, so that makes it an even bigger deal. She wants us to have a massive fancy wedding and invite literally several hundred of her relatives, most of which my fiance has only met once or not at all. Apparently her relatives will be offended if she doesn’t do this. And if we only invite some of the relatives, other ones will show up uninvited because they will just assume it’s ok for them to come.
She wants to pay for everything but still. Just thinking about this makes my heart start pounding. I feel like it’s just going to be so embarrassing, not knowing 90% of the people at my own damn wedding! And having barely anyone for my side, some relatives who I am not close to, and a couple of friends, and my family where I will be nervous the whole time that my brother will start fighting with my mom or say something inappropriate, or some other drama will go down. Like to me that sounds like my worst nightmare come to life. Like I am being put in the stocks in the public square, while wearing a wedding dress, for everyone to laugh at about how inadequate my life is.
Now of course you might say, why can’t we just disregard what my Mother-In-Law says and do things our way? Well here’s where the insanity comes in. My fiance has brought it up to her before trying to compromise by saying “I want a smaller wedding, you can invite some relatives but just the ones who I actually visit and know” and she FLIPPED OUT. She started screaming at him and saying she was literally going to DISOWN him if he didn’t have the wedding her way. I don’t know if this was exaggeration or not, but he says it was serious.
Although, non sequitur, but the last time we visited her he mentioned wanting to get another tattoo and she flipped out saying “if you get a tattoo, then you can tell me and never speak to me again!” and I totally called her out on it and got her to apologize and admit that she was just exaggerating to try to manipulate him into doing what she wanted. So she MAY be exaggerating. But a wedding is also a much bigger deal (to her) than a tattoo, so she may not be.
Now if she was my mom I would be like “Ok. Disown me. Bye.” because I don’t have time for awful people trying to control my life, but my fiance is of a more…generous temperament and he wants his mom in his life, and wants to reach some sort of compromise. Except he is afraid to even bring it up to her because he knows she’ll flip out. And of course he absolutely refuses to let me confront her about it. He says she knows something is up, that there is some tension there, because she used to mention our upcoming marriage all the time and now she doesn’t bring it up. He said he would bring it up to her when he goes to visit in a couple of weeks.
So like…I guess I’m not sure why I wrote this, I just wanted some perspectives and advice I guess, on how to approach and resolve this issue. Especially from people who may have been in similar situations.
tl;dr We want to elope but my fiance’s mom will disown him if we do.
- This topic was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by mysocalledlife.