Post # 1
my life updating me, calling me to talk or advice (they are both younger), so I put them in my bridal party. Now my mom’s side of the family is getting angry that I didn’t involve my cousin’s on her side. They have grown distant and never talk so I didn’t want to really involve them if they haven’t made an effort to be part of my life. It wasn’t like I wasn’t inviting them. One lives here in Florida but she has 2 special needs kids, a serving job and lives more or less pay check to pay check. The other is in New York is going to school and is also living pay check to pay check how can I expect them to be able to afford being a bridesmaid? They are saying I didn’t even ask but the way I am if I ask and they say they can’t afford it I would feel obligated to pay for them; it’s the way I am.
Now this problem is affecting my immediate family both my parents are mad and they are paying for most of the wedding, but still expect me to ask my cousin’s. My dad said “I am selfish and that is event isn’t all about us it’s about my family.” I agree with him to a point, but he said he is taking my entire wedding away. So of course now I am heated I made probably the dumbest comment I said “ Fine, take it away because it honestly is about my Fiance and I and our love we share if you don’t want to share that experience with us we don’t need a wedding that is not what marriage is about.” This comment was and still is truly how I feel but I am a huge family person I want to have everyone there celebrating this experience with us. I don’t want to look back and regret everything. I would pay for it myself but with my student loans it’s going to take a couple of years to save which is fine we could always get married and in a few years have a celebration but my FI’s sister did this and her family said “we don’t have to get her a gift or come because it’s not a real wedding” I am afraid this is how even my family would view it plus I am the first of my cousin’s to get married so it’s a lot of pressure.
This issue has created so much unneeded stress and I just would rather fold and make my cousin part of my wedding but then if I ask her don’t I need to ask my other 2 female cousin’s where does the line stop do I put her kids in the wedding. If I keep going by fairness to the family I will have all wedding party and no guests. This is rock meets hard place and I lost all sleep last night and have a migraine from crying all night. Please I need some sound advice I don’t want to burn bridges but I can’t please everyone. Is there any way I can make them party of the party without making them bridesmaids or just giving a speech because if they are involved in my life closely they can’t really give a decent speech.
Post # 3
Sorry this is happening to you. Sometimes weddings just bring out the worst in people we love. I think that when parents pay for their children’s weddings, they start thinking it’s their wedding too. Yes, it would be great if financial support came with no strings attached, but it never seems to work out that way. The way I see it is, you have two choices: put your cousins in the wedding (jr bridesmaids, ushers, etc) and let your parents pay for it, or save up yourselves and have your wedding the way you want it. You will never please everyone, it’s just a fact that comes with weddings. Best of luck, hopefully you can give your cousins a bit part (like a reading or ushering or something) and it will be a good enough compromise for your folks.
Post # 4
This was hard for me to fully understand, but I will try to give advice?!
First, your bridal party should be whom you want by your side while you pledge your love to your hubby. Period. It does not matter who is paying, etc. From there, there are plenty of ways to incorporate those that cannot be bridemaids, depending on the type of ceremony you are having! They can do a reading, hand out programs, usher people to their seats, etc, etc.
Furthermore, just because they are not in bm dress, does not mean they cannot be there – next to you – for all your events. Showers, bachelorette party, getting ready the day of, etc. In fact, since it sounds like some would not be able to afford all the things associated with being IN a bridal party, they may appreciate not having to spend money on a dress and shoes but still have the luxury of being incorporated in all bridal events?! Hopefully you find a way to appease *most* everyone. Good luck!
Post # 5
Thank you both I tried to suggest this to my parents about incoporating them but I think the damage is done. I am apartently a disappointment child so I don’t think my wedding is going to happen unless I find a way to pay for it. You know as a child I had big dreams I wanted to go to school do the best I could, find a great job and a wonderful person to spend my life with. I feel like I have had parents who supported m dreams but then when I go to them a say look I graduated high school….look I graduated college….look I found a good job they look at me and say eh why didn’t you do this. Or better yet “we are ALWAYS bailing you out of bad situations which refers to the fact I got into a car accident under their insurance so we were all involved but I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink and I have never been in trouble of any kind. Other then the accident I have never had a ticket, but I am still befundled by that statement. I don’t want to portray my parents as aweful people because they aren’t I just feel like there is so much pressure on me and no one in my family ever shows me respect or pride so I don’t know how to handle this situation with out ruining my family.
Post # 6
Like you said, it’s a marriage, not a wedding. Elope and have a huge vow renewel in 5 years.
Post # 7
@Klein2bReidy: Is there a way you or your Fiance could get a bank loan and do it yourself? Or is there a way you can just have a church wedding and a small reception at the church?
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I would suggest you and your Fiance talk with your parents as a united front and explain to them your decision is final.
Post # 8
@Klein2bReidy: Please stop letting your family emotionally blackmail you and stop looking to them for validation. You’ve described a history of emotional torment and it needs to stop.
Your family will be ok. If you add them to the party and demand they be BMs in throwing you a shower, a Bach party, and paying for their own stuff you will be a Bridezilla to them. Ignore them and enjoy your new life with your Fiance.