- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
This is a little long, but I’d appreciate any advice. We basically just found out that we might have to change our wedding plans (and piss off a lot of family members) in order to accomodate my FI’s parent’s wishes. FI’s mom and stepdad have asked us not to invite his father to our wedding. They said we can invite everyone else on his side of the family (ie: grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc.) – just not him.
Here’s a little background info: my FI’s parents got divorced when he was about 5 years old. His mom re-married about 2 years later, and his stepdad has raised FI/FI’s little brother as if they were his own sons. FI’s father basically dropped off the face of the earth after the divorce (never visited, paid his child support, sent B-day cards, etc.). His father’s parents, brother and sisters (FI’s grandparents/aunts & uncles) have all kept in touch over the years. However, in the past three years or so, FI’s father has occasionally invited us over to dinner, called to catch up and say hi, etc. — which is the first time he’s ever actively participated in my FI’s life.
Fiance wants his father to come to the wedding, but mom and stepdad have said that they “don’t even want to go” if he’s going to be invited. Seriously? Are we in high school again?? (Let me add that these are normally very intelligent, rational and loving people) BUT, we feel that they are being extremely inconsiderate and selfish for not wanting to put up with FI’s father for a few hours on their oldest sons WEDDING DAY. They are claiming that his father’s presence will absolutely ruin the day for them and they won’t even be excited about anything the whole time if he gets to come. Their reasoning is that he shouldn’t be invited because he was never a part of FI’s life before and so he shouldn’t get to participate now on this very important day. We get that, but FI has always sought his father’s attention and he knows that his father would come to this event now that they are closer.
If we don’t invite FI’s father, he and the rest of that side of the family will be absolutely hurt/pissed. The rest of the fam would probably come to the wedding, but probably wouldn’t speak to us after the fact (note: they’re a little bit on the dramatic side). Actually, they might not even go to the wedding if they found out that FI’s father wasn’t invited. Or they might bring him/have him “crash” the wedding. Regardless, Fiance doesn’t want to ruin his relationship with his father or that side of the fam because they have always been there for him, regardless of his own father’s actions. Also, FI’s father has kindly set us up with a DJ friend for free, so that’s another potential slap in the face.
If we do invite FI’s father, then FI’s mom and stepdad will be furious with us. They are very serious and stern people and I legitimately feel that they would make our wedding day less than happy. Plus, their negative attitudes toward FI’s father will most likely be noticed by other guests and ruin the “mood” at our wedding. They have warned us that they will be sulking and all of our pictures will have ‘fake’ smiles/expressions. Also, they no longer want to go to their son’s wedding, which is something that they’ve been looking forward to for over a year already. Also, if they are stuck together in the same room with alcohol, FI’s father’s family might start some drama with FI’s mom & stepdad once they get a few drinks in them. Yikes.
We basically don’t know what to do. We don’t feel comfortable NOT inviting FI’s father or his family. We don’t feel comfortable with FI’s mom and stepdad being pissed off at us and ruining our day if we DO invite him (and we certainly don’t want to spend a ton of money on a wedding that is going to be awkward and upsetting for us, as we are paying for it ourselves). It doesn’t seem fair to us that we are being asked to make changes on OUR special day.
We’re considering ‘semi-eloping’ and having just FI’s mom & stepdad and my parents join us at the courthouse/go to dinner with us. Then we could throw a mini “reception” a day or so later and invite the rest of our family and friends and FI’s father’s fam (FI’s mom & stepdad can choose not to go if they don’t want to, since we’ve already included them), but it isn’t fair for the rest of our family members to miss our wedding simply because FI’s parents can’t ‘suck-it-up’ and deal with FI’s father being there. We also talked about setting up a Vegas wedding on very short notice and anyone who can/wants to come can join us, but if FI’s father decided to come then we’d still have the same issues. Plus, we’d much prefer our planned vineyard wedding.
We just don’t know what to do. Please share any of your thoughts, advice, or experiences that may help us make a decision/”cope” with the consequences.