(Closed) Family drama/wedding changes… need advice!

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Well, the question is, do YOU guys want the FI’s father there? If so, I would invite him, only if you really want him to go though. The fact that people are saying they might not go because of someone else that is invited is just pure selfishness. It’s YOUR day, and YOU should have anyone YOU want there. It’s sad you are thinking of eloping cause of the stress they are putting on you. It’s really selfish! Lol, we are having drama of our own and may just elope ourselves, lol, that’s after we just blew like 300-400 bucks on decorations this week alone. I live in Reno, so ya, eloping sounds really good, especially when there is a little chapel not too far away from me. So, if you are wanting to come to NV..it’s super easy to marry here in Reno as well and then you can just have a honeymoon up in Tahoe. You know? A little cabin up there or something. You and I can have a double elope in downtown Reno, hehehe. Just kiddin..:D..it’s really about what YOU want though. If that’s the FI’s father being there/not being there it’s YOUR day and YOUR right to make the choice, everyone else should just deal you know? Or you can just do it NV style..it’s up to you..it’s not about pleasing others..it’s about making it special for you two. Hope that helps!

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

for me this is what matters, “FI wants his father to come to the wedding”

im sorry this is going to cause you drama but this is about your and your FI’s marriage and who you want there to support and celebrate on the day

in some way you are going to have to explain to Future Mother-In-Law that your wedding is bigger than just one person and hopefully she will learn to accept the situation

goodluck!

 

Post # 6
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with Kalliela, it’s your wedding and it should be up to you and Fiance to decide who is important enough that they need to be at the wedding, and it should be up to all other parties involved to be adult about it.  I’d suggest having a good talk with Fiance and hashing out the plan, laying it out, and making it settled. Then, I’d talk (as a couple) to FI’s mom/SD and tell them that you love/respect/appreciate them, etc, but this is how it’s going to be and this is what’s expected of them. Same of FI’s father, just so he’s aware as well.  Really, if 5 year olds are expected to sit politely through a ceremony and not cause trouble, grown adults should be able to as well, especially on such an important day for the ones they love.  

Post # 7
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Darling Husband and I sort of had the same issue at the wedding with his parents. His dad sounds really similar to your FI’s dad with the whole disappearing, non contributing act, and similar to you and Fiance, his dad only reappeared back in DH’s life once we were seriously dating. Their “reconciliation” if you want to call it that has been slow and emotional and even now their relationship is one more of a loose friendship than a father/son relationship.

DH’s mom was really offended when we decided to invite DH’s dad and stepmother to our small family-only engagement dinner, so when I caught the brunt of it I sat down and had a conversation with her that went like this:

“I know you have a lot of history with Future Father-In-Law, but you need to understand he’s DH’s father, and he and “stepmom” have been very supportive of Darling Husband and I since the get go. I understand that Future Father-In-Law hurt you a lot, but you need to set that aside for 12 hours. All I need you to do is breathe the same air. You don’t have to hold hands, you don’t have to pretend to be BFF, you don’t ever have to see him again after that day, I really don’t care. BUT this is our wedding, and it’s a celebration of Darling Husband and I, so you need to put your own sh!t aside for one day for the sake of Darling Husband and I and realize it’s not about you, or him, or your past. If you have any problems with any of this, you talk to me about it. You are not to call Darling Husband and cry about where Future Father-In-Law is sitting or any of your past history or if they’re coming to the rehearsal dinner. You call me. He doesn’t need to deal with this, he’s been going through this with you for nearly 30 years, let him enjoy this and just try to keep the peace for a few hours of your life. End of story.”

Always set the boundaries. It was a touch on the harsh side but she needed a reality check. And you know what? She didn’t call me. And she didn’t call Darling Husband. She was relatively well behaved (other than reports of her being supremely outspoken about how much she hated him to my BMs during our rehearsal dinner, inappropriate much?!). The wedding was great, she had a wonderful time. I don’t think if you asked her if she even knew where he was sitting. At the end of the day, you all have to be grown ups and put your own history aside for just a few hours. I’m not saying “get over it”, it’s more of a “get through it”, just for the sake of your kid you know!

Post # 8
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

INVITE HIS DAD!! if fi wants his dad there, that’s the end of the story. have more talks with his mom and stepdad, and keep asking them to act like adults. tell them how much their behavior is hurting you and how unfair it is.

Post # 9
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh boy, it definitely sounds like you’re in between a rock and a hard place (aside from the whole ‘big wedding’ vs ‘ stuff for our future’ debate).  Really, I think you should definitely try to work on having FI’s father there with his mother’s and stepdad’s blessing.  Sit them down and have them acknowledge that this is about you two and not grudges from the past.  If there’s anything that FI’s mother should be grateful for FI’s dad for is that he helped her bring two wonderful children into the world (cheesy, I know, but maybe it will help them see the light). 

It’s not as drastic, but I’m worried about potential drama for our day too.  My parents are divorced but FI’s aren’t and they are the most happy go lucky people in the world.  My mother though is another story and I never know how she’ll react to anything, especially with my dad and stepmom in the room.  Add in alcohol and she either gets mean or sleepy – it’s a toss up!  My hope is if I seat her next to the priest and her sister she’ll control herself.

Post # 11
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@indyJEEP: I’m not really sure Darling Husband wanted me to have that conversation with her but I honestly didn’t care. He’s had to deal with all this family drama for his entire life, the guy just needs some happy time you know?! Plus I don’t think Darling Husband would have told his mom to put on her big girl panties but she really needed to hear it, LOL! And you know what, Father-In-Law was really respectful of everyone and was really aware of tensions, boundaries, etc. The only thing that he did “wrong” was that he got DH’s stepmom to ask Mother-In-Law if it would be okay with her if Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law walked down the aisle together. In what world would that be appropriate?! Once we got over that tiny hiccup everything was fine. No one died. No one cried. No fights broke out. Everyone still loves us. We’re all okay. We sent the drama llama back to the farm ASAP 😉

I don’t think your Future Father-In-Law videotaping will be a big deal. Maybe it’s the prime example of “He’s really trying and he’s being really supportive of us”. I know it’s a really sensitive situation, but you’re exactly right that they all need to behave like grown ups and for just a few hours, put aside the hard feelings and be there 100% for you guys rather than thinking about their own past.

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