(Closed) Family & FI problems – need some serious advise and perspective.

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Have a big wedding with your chosen attendants and his chosen attendant. You can have them all walk in one after the other.

Or have a small wedding, with the same attendants.

Or have a medium sized wedding, same attendants.

You can’t expect your Fiance to match your attendants just because…respect his feelings there.

But your big girl pants on and set a guest list and kindly tell anyone that asks that this is our guest list. You don’t have to explain anything else. This isn’t your parents wedding. It isn’t anyone’s wedding but the two of you.

 

You are both going to have to compromise. Part of marriage. Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Your situation is a little similar to mine, so I’ll try to give some advice based on how we’ve dealt with things:

First problem: My family is also larger than his, and we’re having the wedding in Sweden where I’m from. I definitely got the same feeling from my Fiance in the beginning, that he felt a little inadequate. Based on the fact that he’s only inviting those very closest to him we did apply a similar selection to my side – ending up with a guestlist of 46. Any chance you can reduce your numbers somewhat (around 50 guests), to make it a little closer to your FI’s suggestion? Then you can still have a dinner with many of your family members but that’s still closer to your FI’s vision. If you want to, you can then have a party for your friends when you return.   

Second problem: You don’t need to have the same amount of bridesmaids and groomsmen. I would just go with his best friend, and they you can still have the girls you want! My Fiance will have one of our common friends as his Bridesmaid or Best Man, and then I’ll have my two best friends from university as my maids. Adding another person to his side would just feel awkward as no one is close enough. Better to have one less than just add filler material!

 

Post # 5
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@FauxBoho:  you can have uneven sides.  There’s not reason that you can’t have three bridesmaids while he has one groomsmen.  They don’t have to do the typical “groomsmen escorts the braidesmaid” exit back down the aisle.  Just have the first two girls walk in and walk out alone, and the last girl can be escorted out by the 1 groomsmen.

The size of the wedding guest list is much harder—this is a problem that comes up on the boards over and over.  I would just explain to him that having your family and friends there is important, and that 70 people is still a small wedding (considering at least 10 percent won’t come).  Definitely go into your list and cut it down to your minimum—see if you can shave off 10-20 people.

Maybe if you compromise with the wedding party, he’ll be willing to compromise a bit with the amount of guests attending. 

Post # 6
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@FauxBoho:  First off, why can’t he just have one groomsman and you have 3 bridesmaids? They don’t have to be equal, you know. If it’s photos you’re worried about, photographers can do some creative shots… just let them know ahead of time. It’s no biggie.

As far as the difference in how many guests to invite, do you really need 70? I get that you want people you’re close to, but can you honestly say you’re close to over 60 people? I sure can’t say that. I’m truly close to maybe 5 people. There must be some way to meet closer to the middle on this. At least you’re not wanting to invite 100+ guests, though.. then this would be a lot tougher.

Post # 7
Member
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@BookGirrl:  +1

I agree that you don’t need even sides so have your 3 girls and he can have his 1 guy. That one’s easy.

The guest list is harder. I think you really have to talk to him about this. Why you want to invite your family. Why he wants it small. Maybe he’s intimidated by your family? If so, would it help if he got closer to some of them and they started to feel more like his family too? Could your maybe plan some dinners or short trips or Skypes with extended family members you’re close to so that your fiance can get to know them better?

Post # 8
Member
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I don’t see why you can’t have an uneven bridal party. 

As for the other part, I think that you two really have to get to the bottom of this and he has to understand that he shouldn’t exclude your family just because he doesn’t have a big, close family. They are going to be his family, too. 

Post # 9
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

If you invite 70 people to a Destination Wedding, I think your final guest list might be closer to 50- from what I’ve read on the bee, it sounds like the average Destination Wedding RSVP rate is 60%. Depending which coast of Canada you’re on, the flight can be a royal bi-atch, and it’s not a long weekend- people would probably have to take an entire week off work, at least, which would cut down the RSVPs.

Uneven bridal party shouldn’t be an issue. And you could always have the two girls closest to you as bridesmaids, and have the other do a reading.

You can also have a reception back in Canada, for those friends of the family you can’t invite.

Post # 13
Member
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@FauxBoho:  I agree that it’s sad. But you’re right, it’s his choice. And he knows best about whether having his bros in the wedding would be a net positive or a net negative.

Post # 14
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think it’s fair you should have to exclude people because his family can’t get it together. You really need to sit down and talk with him, what he is proposing is very self serving and does not take you or your desires into account at all. 

Post # 15
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

@FauxBoho:  First of all, I can understand your husbands feelings about having a small family. The only family I had at our 75 person wedding was my mom, brother and sister. Everyone else was friends and my husbands family. I cried when we were making our lists because I have always wished for a large family. With that said, I LOVE my husbands family and I was so happy to have them be a part of our day. And for that, I compromised. I gave up my dreams of a small wedding so we could include his family as well, and I dont regret it at all.

Now, I think your husband needs to compromise a bit. did I read correctly that he wants the guys to wear a suit that costs around $1K?? If so, that is completely absurd. He would rather wear a fancy suit than have his brothers stand up with him?

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