(Closed) Family gift exchange… Exclusive to Family members?

posted 5 years ago in Holidays
  • poll:
    Yes, that's being polite. : (6 votes)
    22 %
    No, you don't even know her : (11 votes)
    41 %
    Ask her if she wants to participate : (10 votes)
    37 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    328 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I think it would be a nice gesture. My husband’s famliy is very inclusive and I was invited to particpate in all of their holiday traditions within a couple months of dating. It meant a lot to me at the time, and still does now. It’s a nice gesture of good will that will go a long way.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2104 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I would absolutely include her IF she was going to be there with you, but if she’s not even going to be present during the exchange, then that’s silly and no.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3720 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    My in-laws do siblings only for the gift exchange, but include all girlfriends/boyfriends in the same way as those married in. I say if you were included when dating, she should be too.

    Post # 6
    Member
    8884 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I voted yes it’s police, but it depends – how long have they been dating and how serious is it?

    Darling Husband and I had only been dating 4 months by the time our first xmas came around. But it was very serious and his family wanted to include me in their secret santa.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1920 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I would say if she was going to be at Christmas than definitely yes. Because nothing is worse than being at the event and being excluded from something like that. But being that she won’t be in attendance. I don’t think she really needs to be included.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3720 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I also wouldn’t read anything into the baby shower or apart holidays. Your BIL wanted her invited to the baby shower to feel includes. She probably declined because she knew you didn’t want her there– she might be trying to stay on your good side because she is serious. As far as holidays apart, families are full of drama. It might be easier for all involved not to spend them together this year. I would say that if you would be included if you weren’t there, she should be too. What is the harm of including her? Your BIL sounds like he has had a hard year and this is important to him.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2781 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I say yes, it’s polite and will help her feel included, regardless of her being there for the gift exchange. I do think that the gf should be specifically asked if she would like to be included though. It’s not your place to determine the seriousness of a relationship.

    FI’s family does the same thing, we each only have to get gifts for the kids and one adult. I wasn’t included our first christmas together because we literally started dating in December, and I only met his family shortly before christmas. I was, however,  invited to join them for chrismas dinner if I wanted. 

    You don’t want to start things off on the wrong foot with this new gf, she may become family one day. Extend the offer, and if she declines she declines, at least she will be made to feel welcome.

    Post # 11
    Member
    5657 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 2012

    If she’s not going to be there, I say no.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1399 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Don’t ask her- she might feel obligated. I know I would.

    If she was actually coming to Christmas, I’d say include her to be polite. But since she’ll be with her family instead- no! That’s awkward.

    Post # 13
    Member
    9955 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Tough one.

    Including her would be seen as being polite & inclusive (which is probably WHY your BIL is pushing for this)

    BUT a lot of this decision IMO would be based on what the family has historically done in the past…

    If the family is quick to include GFs then ya it would make sense even if she can’t make the event…

    BUT if it is as you say, typically only after a couple is more established (you were aprox 1 year dating, I take it these two are just a few months) then I could see WHY the rest of the family might be “weary / wary” (lol funny typo)

    As a DIL you might not want to be the one to go against the grain here (not sure WHO usually heads up / organizes the Secret Santa Family Draws) if you feel that would make YOU yourself look pushy / rude

    However, if the family is a fairly open one…

    It might be the BIG thing to say in this situation,

    “I volunteer to be the Secret Santa for NewGirl   as  BIL Name  really wants us to include her”

    As someone who has been divorced, I gotta say that I “sort of get” where your BIL may be coming from… Divorce is hard.  It sucks when you feel like you don’t belong as you once did “in the bigger picture”… true enough it may seem pushy for him wanting this “Barely known GF” to be included in family events (more so if this relationship proves out not to last long)… but I also know that being a Divorced Person, that the Holidays (Christmas – New Years – Valentines etc) are all really really hard… they just seem to scream “You aren’t one of us… in a happy committed relationship”… and if this is the first year post Divorce / Break-Up by far that is the worst.

    Hope this helps (some)

    Lol… I know not a conclusive answer, like you were probably looking for… needless to say I didn’t vote in your Poll.

    Post # 15
    Member
    2781 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @amoret11:  I still say send out the offer, I don’t think she will feel obligated to do so. I definitely didn’t feel obligated to join FI’s family for christmas dinner that first year, and my family doesn’t do any holiday stuff on christmas, so it’s not like I had my own family stuff to do.

    Chances are she won’t automatically feel offended if you don’t offer to include her, but if her SO starts complaining or shows that he is himself visibly upset about it she is more likely to see it as a slight. She doesn’t know what’s is normal traditions in the family, but if her SO is getting upset over her not being included, she will likely think that in the past the family always included gfs and feel like she was being left out because you all prefer the ex-wife. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    1297 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I don’t know how exactly to vote in the poll, but this is how I feel:

    If she was going to be attending, including her would be a really nice gesture.

    Since she’s not going to be there, I wouldn’t include her.

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