(Closed) Family has said some hurtful things about us getting married…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
8008 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

 I am an older, encore bee- so I’ve actually done this twice- and I do totally get what you are going through.

For my first marriage, my mother was being super overbearing and wanted to do things her way.  So we eloped. One of the best decisions I ever made. 

The second time around, I was older and we just paid for everything ourselves.  I didn’t ask her imput on anything- just sent her an invitation telling her when and where to show up.

I really do wish you good luck because I know what a pain it can be!

Post # 18
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

They have made it clear that nothing you do is going to make them happy.

Since that is the case, do what you want to do. They are going to create problems no matter what you do, so you may as well have the wedding you want. If you want to elope, do it. If they choose to miss out on your wedding day because it isn’t exactly the way they expect it to be, remember that they are the ones missing out on the moment. It’s their loss, not yours. You’re getting married! It’s exciting, and it’s wonderful, and the people who truly care about you and are truly excited for you will be by your side to celebrate with you. Don’t let them guilt you into making your day all about them. It’s YOUR day, not theirs.

Post # 19
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
ZebraPrintMe:  I agree with PPs and your Fiance. Don’t accept the money and plan what you two want. It is absolutely not worth the stress and anger you and your fiance are feeling. Maybe not accepting their money may mean you have to go slightly more causual that you originally thought, but hey, think about how nice it will be to completely disregard any input from them. I’d say do whatever you can to pay for it yourselves so you don’t spend the entire time feeling this way. Good luck!

Post # 20
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
ZebraPrintMe:  Well, too bad for them. You two will have to stand up for yourselves. If you’re an adult and are getting married, you are more than old enough to tell them the wedding decisions are not their concern. If they get ticked, so what? What are they going to do if you two are paying for everything. Stop worrying about them and focus on the two of you. 

Post # 21
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Just pay yourself and sod them. Oh, and don’t give them any details until the day. Covert op! I had a few similar issues and the solution is just not to tell anyone about your plans and just do it!

Post # 22
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Similar situation-ish for my fiancé and I.

If you really want to make the biggest statement just pay for it yourself and do it exactly how you want it. If they are making your wedding a negative experience, just cut them out of the planning part of it. If they get upset you are allowed to ignore it because it wasn’t their money, it was yours.

Post # 23
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
ZebraPrintMe:  *hug* I know where you’re coming from…I have already had a few minor clashes involving my future FI’s sister, and I haven’t even recieved my official proposal yet. If this is what she’s like just from hearing that my SO intends to propose this year, I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when I actually get the ring. Some people are very toxic, and from what you’ve written it appears that you have some toxic future SILs on your hands. 

My advice is to never let them see you cry or break a sweat again. They obviously take joy out of ganging up on you and watching you get more and more riled up. The best thing you can do is to smile through their bullshit and stand firmly behind your decisions without sinking to their level. If they get on you about wedding traditions, reply with something like “Well, when you’ve found the love of your life, you feel the freedom to break tradition a bit where it suits us as a couple because appearances aren’t as important as the emotionality behind the event. Certain seating traditions just aren’t very ‘us’, and we don’t want a cookie cutter wedding, I’m sure you can understand!”. Take the high road and watch their blood boil. Let all the drama be on their side so they look crazy. 

What concerns me is how your Fiance goes silent as the vulture pack brings you to tears when he should be stepping in to defend you…

Post # 25
Member
507 posts
Busy bee

I wanted to elope. I REALLY wanted to not do the big thing since my sister got married last year. Then, I guess I caved and decided to do the wedding (the big wedding). It is a lot of fun to have a project with Fiance, but when I think about it all, I wish I had at least settled on a smaller ceremony. It was not in the cards for us since this is FI’s mom’s firstbig wedding – meaning he is the first child and first to be married – and I think that everyone wanted a little bigger of a deal. I think I may ask Fiance for a five year commitment ceremony/ elopment just between him and I. 

Post # 26
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

You are right that it’s your responsibility to go toe-to-toe with your parents. And now is the time to step up and do that. I would be having some serious reservations right now, if I were your Fiance. Is this going to be an ongoing issue in your marriage, for instance? Will your family constantly be sticking their noses in and dictating your preferences and whether or not your preferences are legitimate if they are their preferences? Will you spend your marriage disolvinginto to puddles of tears and giving in becuase it’s easier, thereby throwing your husband and your own little family under the bus? Will you sacrifice your husband and children at the alter of your parents because your husband is less demanding than them? These are the things you need to ask yourself. If you are an adult mature enough and capable enough to get married, you need to demonstrate that by exhibiting some backbone here and now.

Post # 27
Member
4845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow. They are horrible.

This is your wedding, not theirs. Other posters have already given you the same advice I was going to, but sheeesh I’m really sorry they were so mean. 

Post # 29
Member
4038 posts
Honey bee

They can’t walk all over you, if you’re standing up and facing them

Post # 30
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Dont take the money have the wedding you want and hun look at it like this your becoming a wife you no longer have to listen or accept what they want for you i am not saying be rude and push them away but you need to respectfully set boundaries with them now and if you cant then your future husband should otherwise you will end living your married life for them which will cause your marriage great stress trust me in this i have been where you are and after planning a whole wedding to please this one or that one i finally came home one day crying told my now husband i wouldn’t marry him he was so hurt n asked why I told him cus nobody likes my dress the date the venue the food anything i am trying hard to make a nice wedding for evryone i just broke down n he said that is it i have had enough he called the whole family told them the wedding was off and why not one person called to say sorry or anything thats when i made the choice to elope with my mom n his mom and had are friend who is a pastor marry us and you know what they all flipped out but i didnt care i got to marry my husband n didnt have to stress or worry bout upsetting anyone i hope you get what I am saying hun you need to stop the madness now dont let it get away from you if your not strong enough then let your Fiance do it in a kind respectful way have the wedding you want dont let them push you into anything other then your dream wedding cus you dont get a wedding redo n if you settle you will regrets and heartbreak be strong hun you know what you need to do 🙂 blessings to you and your FI 

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