(Closed) Family hurt that they aren't invited to our four guest wedding

posted 4 years ago in Elopement
Post # 2
407 posts
Helper bee

submart:  It’s all a question of what you can live with. I don’t think its worth the hurt feelings to exclude them. Your relationships might never be the same after something like this.

Post # 3
4257 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

We dealt with that with our family too.  They got over it.  Well, one aunt didn’t, but at the end of the day, that is her choice!  And now she has missed out on knowing our kids.    You are allowed to have the wedding you want!!  You do not need their approval or permission, and you can have the day you want, with just 4 people.  They need to get over it.  We had a super low key family BBQ later, and invited everyone.  So they could celebrate with us.  But is was very relaxed and I felt no pressure whatsoever.  That day was more of a family gathering, imo, but it made people happy that they could still be a part of our celebration, just a few weeks later.

Post # 4
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

submart:  i was going to say “As a mother I understand how they feel”, until I saw that the parents were the 4 guests. Parents put a lot of work into raising their children, and I can understand when parents get upset at missing their child’s wedding. But anyone else, even siblings – no, they don’t get a say.

Personally I would always invite my siblings. And I’m at a loss how feeding 25 people can cost $10K – surely it would be $2K tops to take them all to a restaurant for dinner, and probably closer to $1K since it sounds like a number of them are children? But that said, it’s your decision, and your siblings aren’t owed a wedding invite.

Post # 5
1301 posts
Bumble bee

I’d be very hurt if I wasn’t invited to my brother’s wedding. I don’t know if my relationship would be the same after that. 

Obviously, you can do what you want with your guest list, but you will have to live with the consequences of not inviting siblings. If you think it’s worth it, then do it.

Post # 6
5876 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

submart:  I agree with you that it’s unfair and crappy that others make the wedding about your relationship with THEM instead of about your relationship with each other.  I don’t think everyone in the world should be obligated to throw a wedding just because they want to get married, especially when none of those poeple are offering to foot the bill.

But you’ve got to decide what you can live with.  If they are unhappy about it, can you live with that?  If not, just invite them.  If so, soldier on.

I had a good friend elope with just a few guests (lucky for me I was one of them) and her parents and siblings were really hurt to not be invited.  They have mostly come around, but it was tough.

Post # 7
1865 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You have a right to do what you want.  I will admit that I would be heartbroken if I was not invited to my brothers’ weddings.  I also would have been heartbroken if they did not attend mine.  It sounds like you don’t feel that close with your siblings though.  So I guess what I am trying to say is that nobody is wrong here.  You just have to decide whether it is more important to you to have your tiny wedding or to not hurt your siblings.

Post # 8
3855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I mean, weddings are about other people, at least a bit. Otherwise we’d all just elope. I know the point is the couple but other people are always going to have feelings. I personally think you should include your siblings because I would be so upset and confused if one of my siblings got married without me. After all, they are getting a new brother/sister in law so this does kind of affect them. If you really don’t want to, well of course you can do what you like, but you may have to deal with the fallout.

Post # 9
1866 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

How many extra people are you looking at by inviting siblings, partners and children? 

Post # 10
1149 posts
Bumble bee

Your parents should definately be there at the wedding since they spent a lot of time and energy raising you. Your siblings? Thats up to you. I understand why they would feel hurt, but honestly the wedding is about you and your significant other.  People need to stop making other people’s wedding about them.

Post # 11
32 posts
  • Wedding: February 2020

aussiemum1248:  to me it sounded as though OP would feel obligated to fly her families in from where they live to where she is or putting them up in a hotel on her dime, although that could have been a misinterpretation on my part. The number was an exaggeration, yes, but still more than they wanted to spend on their elopement. 

Post # 12
1800 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I would never get married without siblings, but it’s your choI’ve. Just remember, every choice has repercussions and you need to be able to love with them.

Post # 13
1199 posts
Bumble bee

I mean, it is your wedding so ultimately you set the guest list, but I would be hurt beyond belief if my siblings did not invite me to their weddings (same goes for my best friends). If having a 4 person wedding is more important to you than including your siblings, you probably have a different relationship than I do with my sisters, and thus maybe you shouldn’t feel the same obligation to invite them that I would. 

Post # 14
2626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull

I was pretty upset that I didn’t get to go to my Sister’s Wedding (destination Wedding, divorced parents, I was 11… sigh)

However, it’s your day and you deserve to do what makes you happy. I know a lot of my family are pretty upset that my cousin plans to have a quicky Wedding at the Registry office next year with like no guests, but it’s her choice and I think people should be respectful of that 🙂

Post # 15
460 posts
Helper bee

For me personally I can’t imagine not having my sister at my wedding but then I’m as close to her as I am my parents. Darling Husband has a douchey sister we’re not a fan of and if we were doing a super intimate wedding we wouldn’t want to invite her…

Can you open the invite up to siblings but in the sense that they’re welcome to come, but you won’t be inviting their families (because then you would also need to open up invite to close friends and other family etc.) and that you won’t be hosting anything other than a nice, simple dinner so of course you understand if they don’t want to come.

Husband and I had a big, non-legal wedding ceremony performed by our friend (public can’t get ordained in the UK) but we needed to sort out the legal stuff in a legal “ceremony” separately that morning. We initially didn’t want to invite anyone to the legal bit because we didn’t want to take away from what we considered our real wedding, but our parents wanted to attend the legal bit. So we invited parents and then to be fair our siblings too but made it clear it wasn’t a big deal to us and nobody was expected to be there. Regardless, DH’s douchey sibling was angry that her husband and kids weren’t invited. We explained that if we invited them we’d also need to invite other siblings’ husband and kids, other close relatives and really the whole wedding party, by which point it would be half our guest list. In the end she chose not to come without her family, so maybe if you invite your siblings sans family but with zero expectations at worst they can’t be any more offended than they are now?

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