(Closed) Family hurt that they aren't invited to our four guest wedding

posted 4 years ago in Elopement
Post # 31
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I can see extended family but I couldn’t imagine not inviting my own siblings.

Post # 32
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

submart:  Honestly, it’s your wedding and you can decide what you want it to look like. Having said that, your decisions do have consequences. I would be heartbroken if my brother didn’t invite me to his wedding, and our relationship would probably never be the same after that.

Here’s my opinion: I know you don’t want your brothers to have to use vacation to fly out for a 15 minute ceremony and lunch, but it’s up to them whether or not to take off work and fly out. If you want to include them, you should invite them and let them decide whether or not to come. 

I feel like it’s the same situation with your grandma. You shouldn’t decide whether her bad knees preclude her from coming or not – that’s for her to decide. If you love her and would want her there if she could make it, then invite her and tell her that you know she can’t make it because of her knees, but you wanted her to know that she was loved and thought of and that you would include her if she did end up being able to make it.

As for your fiance’s siblings, it’s up to him whether or not to invite the sister he doesn’t want there. If they don’t get along, it sounds like he wouldn’t mind hurting that relationship because they already don’t like each other, you know? 

 

Post # 33
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

It’s your choice, and you technically did not do anything wrong.

That said, I would be crushed if I wasn’t invited to either of my brothers’ weddings.  I would hope it wouldn’t be relationship-ending, and I would hope I wouldn’t be angry.  But I think I would be deeply hurt and I’m not sure I could ever let that go.

Post # 34
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Fiance and I are also eloping and we are completely prepared for some family drama… he has just not told his family any details yet (I know, bad idea but will he listen??) and my parents are kind of in denial and plan on turning up anyway. This is my second marriage and FI’s first so I think his family are more likely to be hurt by not being invited. However, the way we’ve done it is that NOBODY is invited and we’re getting married overseas, so we don’t have the “why was x family member good enough to come but not me??” discussions.

I can understand why your siblings might be upset, but I think refusing to speak to you is a major overreaction. You and your Fiance have the right to make your own decisions regarding your wedding and if eloping is important to you, they shouldn’t be trying to guilt you out of it. IMO it’s very petty and immature to take someone’s wedding choices as a personal slight against you. If you can live with them carrying on about it, then you do you, Bee!

Post # 35
Member
893 posts
Busy bee

You have the right to do whatever you and your Fiance want and I completely understand wanting to have an intimate wedding (I had one too!) but if my only brother didn’t invite me to his wedding, I can’t imagine our relationship would ever be the same. I’d be so hurt. I feel like siblings are a little different than aunts/uncles/other extended family. Good luck with your decision!

Post # 36
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Do as you want to do. It’s not like you are having a big party and everyone is included but them. People are way too entitled these days. It’s one day. If they wNna stop talking to you for the rest of your life for 15 minutes of one day, well then that’s on them. Not you. If they truly love you they may be hurt but they will accept that this is whaT makes you happy and so be it. I am in a similar position to you but I am standing my ground. Just parents. I spoke with my siblings and they are just too happy for me to make this about them. 

Post # 37
Member
13838 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would honestly be devastated if I didn’t get invited to the wedding of one of my siblings.  It would truly change my relationship with them to know I wasn’t wanted at one of the most special and important days of their lives.  That my support in being there wasn’t wanted.  Even thinking about it now, it makes me sad and it’s not even an issue for me.  

It’s your wedding and your decision on who to invite, though.  You’re the one who has to live with the reprecussions.

Post # 38
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I think there’s a big difference between not wanting to have all your extended family there and excluding your siblings from your day. That seems really extreme to me. Weddings simply aren’t all about what you want, they never have been and never will be. We always have to take other people into account when we make decisions.

Post # 40
Member
6638 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

That’s a hard one. I’d be pretty upset if I wasn’t invited to my brother’s wedding. But I’d like to think I would understand if finances precluded the invite (his Fiance has several siblings and they have several kids so if they were feeling like they would have to invite everyone in order for me to attend…)

People’s emotions are their own responsibility. They can choose to focus on being happy for you or they can choose to focus on themselves and what they think you should have done. You can’t control it. So I would explain what was happening and why and let people handle their emotions in their own way.

Post # 41
Member
13838 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

submart:  To me, watching a video of a loved one’s event that I wasn’t invited to (especially a wedding!) isn’t a solution.   You know you’re hurting people’s feelings in this, and you may damage some relationships, but I guess if you go into it knowing that could be the outcome and you’re okay with it..they’re your relationships to manage.

Post # 42
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

My Fi and I had a similar problem. I’m an only child but he has 4 brothers, two of which would be married and each of the married brothers has one kid each so with plus ones for the two brothers without partners that is 10 people just his siblings.

We considered doing just parents but his parents wouldn’t be able to afford to fly and stay where we want to go. My parents would be able to with some planning but his would go into credit card debt to do so. We can’t afford to pay for both sets of parents and it isn’t fair to only pay for one set, if they would even let us.

So we are eloping, by ourselves, in a location we want to, on a date that means a lot to us.

Are they hurt? Yes.  Have they said they would show up anyway? Yes. Has the ENTIRE family given us grief over it? Yes. Are we going to change our minds? No.

If they love us, they will get over it. Everyone lives their lives the way they want to. It’s only for weddings and babies that people all of a sudden think they have a right alter your life to suit themselves. Not happening.

Post # 43
Member
44 posts
Newbee

submart:  

 

Personally, I would just invite them.  However, I think it’s all in how you say it.  I would be clear that it’s not a typically wedding and you can’t afford to fully accommodate them.  If they’re willing to pay for their own flight, food, lodgings and can accept standing room only at your ceremony then you’d love for them to be present.  The reason why you excluded them in the first place is because you couldn’t afford to be the most gracious host which is why you opted for a small gathering.  

Post # 45
Member
849 posts
Busy bee

Good choice!!! I’m glad they received an invitation.

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