(Closed) Family hysterically upset over my FH joining the military.:(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@katiecat08:  I’m sorry your mother isn’t being supportive. I guess I understand why she’s upset?? You’re an adult and you’re going to make adult decisions. She will get over it. 

Also I am always so confused when people say the Army is the ‘worst branch’… What does this mean? Do you think it’s the ‘worst’ because you think he will deploy more often or..?? 

I think he is making a very smart choice. As long as he is in the military, he will have a job. He will have excellent benefits, and you will get to see parts of the country you haven’t seen before. If this is what he wants, I think as long as YOU support him, let it be known to him regardless of what your mother is saying.

Post # 18
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@katiecat08:  Her concerns are valid, but not the way she is expressing them. I think you need to tell her, “Mom, Fiance and I are adults and are capable of making choices that are right for us. We have discussed this decision thoroughly together and have made a choice that is right for us. I’m sorry that you don’t understand this decision, but it is not up for discussion. We both love you very much and hope you can support us.”

Keep it short, simple, and polite. Emphasis that you both love your family very much and that this was a joint decision. And if the topic continues to come up simply say the decision isn’t up for discussion and change the topic.

@chelseakayd:  I wouldn’t say they are the worst branch (there really isn’t a worst branch in my opinion). My dad was in the Marines though, so I tend to think of them as the cream of the crop. They’re also the most arrogant though, so it evens out. Lol!

@hermom:  +10000000000000000 (also, thank you for your service!)

Post # 19
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@katiecat08:  I completely understand where your mom is coming from. I realize this is an unpopular opinion, but I want you to get the flip side. Through education, many people come to realize that not only are most wars unethical, they are needlessly violent and rarely give the help we think they do. Not to mention the massive psychological problems they bring. While I understand your desire for your family to be more supportive of this next step in your life, I myself would be absolutely devastated if my children made a similar decision.

I do think she is out of line in saying you are better off marrying someone else; this is just a bas decision but does not reflect who you and your fiance are as people.

Post # 20
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

So ex-FI was military.  My Uncle was miitary, and a friend of our family is married to a military guy.  DH is a former Marine, 3 out of 4 of my brothers were military (one a ranger).  The military can be a great way to see the world, to get an education and be an amazing experience.  Probably better time spent than occupying wall street. 

The family friend I mentioned earlier, has somehow managed to get a college degree, a Masters, and start up her own company while moving all over the world.  Her husband just retired, and their home is paid off.   My uncle, retired after 20years, had a house paid off down the street from my aunt’s parents.  He got another job and retired from that.  He has two pensions coming in.  

All the men I know that were/are military wouldn’t have changed a thing.  They are all proud of their service and of their country.  And some of them are even educated (SHOCKING).  

Post # 21
10567 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m sorry your mother is behaving so unreasonably.  Joining the military service is to be commended.  Please thank your Fiance for me.

The military can open up a plethora of educational & career opportunies for your Fiance.  I think your familys’ issues with it belong to them, not you.

Post # 22
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am sorry you’re having to deal with this! As long and you and your fiance are on the same page and have a direction, that’s really all that matters. I know that it’s nice to have support, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Hopefully, your mom comes around and starts being more supportive.

Post # 23
40 posts
  • Wedding: November 2014

I am sorry you are having to go through this.  However, your FI’s choice is very honorable and courageous. Your mom will come around. Many opportunities are available through the Army and if your Fiance chooses he could easily make a lifelong career out of it.  I hope it gets better with your mom. I may be partial coming from an Army family, but I think serving your country is worthy of having full support from everyone around you. I know making life changing decisions is hard- but as long as you and your Fiance want the same things in life that should be all that matters now. 

Post # 24
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@katiecat08:  I’m sorry your family isn’t as supportive as you wanted them to be- that may change with time- it may have been a big shock for them. At the same time, your mother does have valid concerns. I think there is a big difference between doing 4 years v. career- do you know?  4 years when you are young is an opportunity to see new places, serve your country, and there’s great benefits- GI bill, VA home loans, etc. You don’t have a family yet, so you don’t have to worry about babies and kids and schools. It’s a limited time- and though difficult during deployments, it’s temporary. It is a great way to learn new skills and transition back into civilian life with a great job!

Career is another thing altogether. My Fiance was in the Navy for 6 years and I am very proud of him and he has many friends taking the career path (20 years of enlistment).  While I think it is incredibly honorable to devote your career to the military, it comes with many sacrifices for you and especially your family. My friend’s husband will be missing the birth of their second child and she will literally be alone with 2 babies for several months while he is still deployed. He might get transferred to Japan for 2 years and she has to decide whether to stay in the house they own in the US with their 2 kids or move their family to Japan. She still wants to finish school and have a career, and that’s hard if you are re-locating all the time. It is my understanding that Navy has more and longer deployments than a lot of other branches, but it is hard regardless. Over 70% of Navy marriages end in divorce- it is just really hard (only group that is higher is lottery winners- 90% divorce rate). That said, I know many people who do it successfully, I think it is just important to know what you are dealing with and adjust your expectations accordingly. Personally, I couldn’t do it- I have loads of respect for people who can- but if I am popping out a kid, I expect my husband to be there. I want him there for Christmas, birthdays, graduations, school plays, dance recitals, and anniversaries. I want to choose the city and state and country that I live in. You just have to make that decision for yourself.

Good luck and congratulations- what an exciting new chapter in your lives together!  

Post # 25
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@katiecat08:  Isn’t it pretty common in the USA for men and women to join the military? I feel like with her crying and whatnot that she is being extremely dramatic. If my mom cried because of my FI’s career choice I’d be super annoyed. You’re an adult and you shouldn’t feel guilty. Travel within the US isn’t that expensive I don’t think anyway, depending where you end up located. It’s unfair to expect a grown child to make life decisions based on where their parents live and she just needs to accept that.

Post # 26
1841 posts
Buzzing bee

@SummerOfLove:  Nope – less than 1% of the population serve in the military

Post # 27
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

@katiecat08:  hi. If his mind is already made up about the Army this won’t apply but has he checked out the Coast Guard? My ex and my best friend both belonged to the CG and it was pretty awesome. There are some pretty cool jods there from boat mechanics (which are pretty useful as a civilian if you live in a coast as most doctors and lawyers like their boats ans need mechanic/maintenance all the time) , search and rescue, security, photography, work with animals (marine life) and also engineering, medical, public relations … You name it. They get full military benefits and compensation but almost never go to war Or extreme conflict zones. It would require a super nasty conflict where all resources have been used to activate them. For example, in this Middle East conflict they just provided protection in the sea for the Navy and Army. But except a very specific group that went there and were never in middle of combat zones, no one else got deployed.

I come from a military life and it is just not for me. But the Coast Guard was different. It was a very nice atmosphere and they do pretty cool stuff. The other armed forces are awesome and keep us safe. But the CG also keeps coasts safe by keeping drugs and some criminal activity at bay. And it is also a very special feeling at base when they get to rescue people from sinking ships or stuff like Katrina in New Orleans 

Post # 28
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@katiecat08:  She is trying to control your life, definitely. I can’t blame her though, she wants what she thinks is best for you. Just ignore her as best you can.  However, she has a point– if your husband is in the military while you are trying to have kids, you will probably be alone at some point either pregnant or with a baby. I’m saying this as a military wife. My husband is career military and I want more than one kid, so yeah, I’ll be alone with a baby. I accept that. I have already had to deal with a move alone and we JUST got married. It’s a radical lifestyle change. I’m having to move and leave all my friends. I have not seen my husband in months because he is deployed, and it sucks. So be prepared for hoildays alone as well.  I just want you to go in with your eyes open.

Post # 30
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not sure why the Army would be considered the worst branch of the military…but my husband has been in the army 11 years now. My family loved him, but they were sad when we started seeing each other because they knew we would eventually move away. That’s just a part of it, along with deployments and other things. I’m sure your mom will just miss you, and she wants you to think about everything that could happen. Being a military spouse can be very tough, maybe that is why she’s worried for you.

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