Post # 1
I’m asking this question on behalf of a non-bee friend! She’s received an RSVP from a family of four, which originally included the groom’s grandma, Sara. However, the RSVP has replaced the name ‘Sara’ with ‘Sam’, and they’ve written in the song request section of the card, ‘It will be Sam in place of Sara’. After asking, ‘who the hell is Sam?!’, it turns out that Sam may be the boyfriend of the daughter of the family, Lizzie. The bride has never met him, the groom has never met him, and the groom’s mother has never met him. The family didn’t ask to make this swap.
I think she can reasonably say, ‘No, that’s not how RSVPs work, we’re not paying to feed a total stranger a 3-course meal.’ The groom’s mum, although annoyed, says that they now have to include this Sam as she doesn’t want to cause an argument, but my friend the bride is furious that this person will be taking a sorely-needed spot.
Can we tell them no, Sam isn’t invited? How would you word the response?
Post # 2
“Sorry, I understand there could be some confusion. However, the invite is only for xyz. I’m sad to see x can’t make it. We look forward to seeing you, y, and z! Thank you!”
If they come back and say they aren’t coming then just say “We’re sorry to hear that. Thank you for informing us!”
If they come back to debate it… “I’m sorry but the invitations are specific to whom they were addressed to only. We will not be able to accomadate any replacements. We would love to see those invited attend but, if you cannot, we understand.”
Post # 3
In my opinion they have every right to say no to Sam. If the invitation was for a certain person then thats who is invited. It is the bride and grooms day and they get to choose who is at their wedding and if they don’t want Sam, Sam doesnt get to come. I would nicely explain that the wedding is a chance for family and friends of the couple to celebrate the marriage, and that the invitation is for those listed, and no replacement should be made. They should be prepared for the entire family not to come. However, if the family can not understand or at least accept that it is purely up to the bride and groom and they aren’t doing it to be mean then they may not want them celebrating such a special day with them anyway. As someone who is preparing to spend a lot of money on food and entertainment I would not be happy about spending a significant amount of money on someone who I did not invite.
Good luck and I wish them all the best!
Post # 4
Welll… If Sam is a true boyfriend of the girl, he should’ve been invited, as couples should be invited together.
But two rudes don’t make a polite so crossing out stuff on the rsvp was definitely not cool. I’d probably call it a draw at this point, but the bride and groom could definitely say no sorry, the invite was for who it was for.
That said – “sorely needed spot”? B lists are even more rude, so if grandma can’t com and they kick out Sam, they should NOT be inviting someone in his place!
Post # 5
How old is this girl? If she’s still in high school/early college I think it’s fine to say that her boyfriend can’t come. If she’s older and they’ve been dating a while I think it would be best to just let them bring him.
Post # 6
B lists are pretty normal in the UK, so I don’t know that it’s considered that rude here! It’s more that the bride really wanted to be able to invite more friends, but the large family commitments meant that those spots were taken by extended family. If someone is going to replace grandma, it’s certainly not going to be a boyfriend that no-one’s heard of!
I think she is an adult, but the problem is that no-one’s even heard of him! Not only that, but the bride and groom already had to put a strict ‘no partners unless we’ve met them’ rule in place to deal with how big the family was, so if they make allowances for this one stranger then that’s going to cause more issues!
Post # 7
This was very helpful, and I’ve passed it on to my friend! Thanks for your input bee. 🙂
Post # 8
I am 100% in favour of giving these (very rude!) guests a firm no. I like the way soymilk
suggested putting it.
Separately, I don’t agree that all couples should be invited together, and it certainly isn’t required in terms of traditional etiquette. Just my opinion, but I think you should spend your wedding day surrounded by the people you love most – we’re expected to compromise on a thousand different things every single day of our lives, but I’d put my foot down for something as important as the guest list on my wedding day.
Post # 9
I agree on partners! Especially when it comes to extended family. Lizzie is going to be in attendance with her family and will know a good chunk of the guest list, there is no reason her bf need be included.
I feel differently about friends who are being expected to attend alone.
Post # 10
my aunt did this–we invited just aunt/uncle, not the kids (my cousins). That was our cutoff because I’m not close to any of my cousins and they are all hooligans, haha.
But my aunt RSVPd that she and GirlCousin1 would be attending. I called her and said, “I’m so sorry for the confusion, the invitation was for you and UncleName. Will you both be attending?”
None of them showed up because I think they got butthurt over it but hey (I wasn’t sad over it, I didn’t want to invite any of them, haha). But yeah. That’s not how RSVPs work. If it was a +1, then I would KNOW I wouldn’t know the person attending and that’s fine…but if I invited specific people, I would absolutely be letting them know that the invitation was for those that were named, and that you’re sorry for the confusion but just need to confirm which of the 4 invited will be coming.
Post # 11
ocienna : Separately, I don’t agree that all couples should be invited together, and it certainly isn’t required in terms of traditional etiquette.
What “traditional etiquette” are you referencing? Traditional etiquette has *always* required that established couples be invited together. Precisely what constitutes an “established couple” has shifted (very slightly) over the years, but there’s no “traditional etiquette” that I’m aware that would permit splitting up, say, a married or engaged couple.