(Closed) Family “issue” ruining wedding for FI

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It is a long way off, and things could change a hundred times between now and then.  Is there any chance that the father and brother are just willing to suck it up and let bygones be bygones for that one day?  Or is the only way you Fiance will be happy is with an apology?  It’s so hard when families fight 🙁  I hope the two of you are holding up well together through it all.

Post # 5
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

Have they ever tried family therapy? Sounds like having an unbiased moderator would be best.

Post # 7
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

The sad thing is that therapy probably wouldn’t help.  Parent’s who do not respect their children as individuals and value them as adults will never be able to acknowledge their own shortcomings. Their relationship is more of a power play.

Another option would be for your Fiance to write his father a letter explaining his feelings and explaining that if an apology isn’t forthcoming, then it’s clear that the father doesn’t care to continue a relationship, and he should stay away from the wedding.  Now with that, a split with the mother could happen (depending on how strong an individual the mother is).

Unfortunately, this type of person rarely changes.  We were estranged from husband’s parents for over twenty years, and recently reconnected because of frail health and them needing assistance.  Not one word of apology of acknowledgement of bad behavior has been or ever will be mentioned.  Drives me crazy.  They missed out on their grandchildren’s entire childhood.  But, we couldn’t let them flounder.  Ugh.

I’m so sorry you have this situation in your life.

Post # 8
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I have a similar situation with my father except my parents are divorced. My brother is still on good terms with my dad and my mom can be cordial with him as well. I made the choice not to invite him because in the end it was my day and I didn’t want to chance anything ruining it. But in the weeks leading up to the wedding I was beyond sad that things had gotten this bad and that he wouldn’t be there because afterall he is my dad. Its kinda a catch 22. There’s no way to really win in this situation unfortunately. My suggestion is to send a letter from both of you stating that its unfortunate that things got this bad and that you two would really appreciate it if ffil could meet with you (or call you, etc) to try to settle things. I would base the decision of inviting him on how that meeting goes. And in the end if it comes down to only inviting Future Mother-In-Law I’d send her the invite and a note that says something about how its sad that these problems have escelated this much and that you don’t want to fault her for them so you hope she’ll be willing to come on her own. But if she doesn’t you guys will have to understand and move on with your day. In the end I don’t think its worth having her there if she’s only going to come with Future Father-In-Law if its going to make your fiance miserable. That just doesn’t seem fair.

Post # 10
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Eeek, sounds like a real problem. All I have to say is it’s your wedding, both of you. If he is hell bent on not having him there, that’s how it should go.. I would sit down with the family and talk about how all of his makes you both feel and maybe that will change something.

Post # 11
Member
46408 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Is it possible for your Fiance to view  his father’s decision to attend the wedding as as his Dad reaching out to him- just as he said he wanted from his Dad?

Family issues can be so devisive. We don’t get to choose our family like we get to choose our friends. But we can make a decision to suck it up, grow up and behave civilly in public. Your fiance doesn’t even have to talk with his Dad at the wedding if he doesn’t want to.

There are many divorced parents who have attended their children’s weddings and managed to be polite, or at least not create a scene. Children can do it also.

 

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