Post # 1
I didn’t know where to post this to, so I apologize if there’s a better place. This is a completely ridiculous situation and am at a loss at how to handle it. I am 21 and set to marry my fiance, who is 24, this September. Families get along just fine; not great but everyone is amicable. I currenlty live at home and have my entire life. I, of course, am making plans to find a place with my future husband and my mom is dead set against it. She had it in her mind that he would be moving in with us (I think?) or we were going to continue to live apart. She absolutely cannot accept me moving out and it is beginning to cause cracks in our relationship and the wedding.
A bit of background, I was in a car accident and paralyzed at 17. We spent a ton of money renovating our home to make it accessible and it very much is. It’s a great place to live in a wheelchair. I think that is one of hte reasons she is so set against it, but I am a very independent person nowadays and I don’t htink it will be an issue finding/modifying our new home. I don’t know how to get her to let go of this though.
Post # 2
winniebee : So many homes are handicap accessible, perhaps she could come along to see a few of them? I can see it will be hard for her to give up her helpmate status. Have you travelled at all with your FI? That might help her to see how you can get along without her help.
Post # 3
Astra : We have never travelled just by ourselves together, but have gone on family trips. We’ve invited her to be a part of our home search but there is always some dangerous flaw she points out or she goes on about all the work we did on our house.
Post # 4
She might be feeling a bit jilted because of the money and time put into the renovations that won’t be necessary once you move out. I think the two of you (or 4 to include your dad and FI) need to sit down and get to the root of her issue here. She should be happy for you to gain some independence with your future husband.
Post # 5
First off, you were 17 when you were injured. So you were technically a minor in her care and she should have made sure her child could navigate the home. And I hope that you will continue to visit after you move out. So it’s not like the renovations were a waste unless she doesn’t want you to ever come see her again.
I wouldn’t argue this point with her. But every time she mentions that she’s “against” you moving out, gently remind her that you are an adult and are perfectly capable of making your own decisions. Then shut the conversation down. Just because independence is more difficult to achieve for you doesn’t mean that you should give up on getting it and definitely doesn’t mean you should be stuck in the role of perpetual child with your parents caring for you.
Your mom is worried and she is having trouble imagining you navigating the world without her help. But you are an adult and she doesn’t get a say in your decisions. Keep reminding both you and her of that.
Post # 6
winniebee : Just curious, if you’re very independent, why do you still live at home currently? Maybe she thinks you’re not so independent yet.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
It sounds to me like she still sees you as a child she needs to look after, rather than an independent adult capable of looking after herself. Keep reminding her that at 21, you are legally an adult, more than capable of making your own decisions and your mind will not be changed on this.
Post # 8
thepearring : Circumstance mainly. I got my AA from a local community college and just lived at home as it was clearly accessible and had help if/when I needed it. My family and especially mom definitely do help me out with things, but nothing my fiance couldn’t also do or I could find another way or take longer to do.
Post # 9
I think you should talk to her about it. Like a genuine conversation. Be careful not to argue or be compative. Instead, try to get to the actual root of her problem. She’s probably scared for you. I kind of doubt the reno money is the real issue here, but maybe she’s putting it off on that instead of talking about her fear.
Don’t go into the conversation trying to change her mind. It’ll only lead to an argument. Hear her out and talk about how you’re nervous too, but it’s something you have to do. Tell her you hope she can help you get settled into the new place, and remind her that you will come back and visit.