(Closed) Family Issues

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I sympathize with your situation.  Have you discussed these issues with him when he isn’t around his family?  If so, what did he say? 

I am very close with my family and my husband has often felt out of place at our get togethers.  He brought it up to me and told me how he felt.  I had never really even noticed that was how he felt, but I understood and made a very big effort to change things.  I have and he is much more comfortable and happy now when we are with my family. 

He might not realize that what he is doing hurts your feelings and unless you bring it up to him away from the situation and give him good examples, he can’t change things. 

Post # 4
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think in this situation, it’s not red flags necessarily.  I had the same issues sort of early on with my Fiance, as his family is close too.  The problem was this: his mother did EVERYTHING for him, so he was still acting like a baby when he went home.  He wouldn’t act like the mature individual he was outside of his family.  Subconsciously, he is just reverting back to his childhood behaviors and it seems like from your description almost treating you like a sister who he doesn’t want to share their attention with.  Sounds weird, I know.  I think you have to bring it up.  That’s what I did and he said he didn’t even realize he was doing it.  After a little while, he does MUCH better.  🙂 

Post # 7
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Hmm, I would think that he’d slip more into his comfy relationship ways with you after you spent 5 days with them, than out of them.

If you tried talking to him and he got defensive, it’s hard to have a productive conversation.  You can remind him that he wants you to love his family, and it’s harder when you feel so alone when you go to visit them, and ask for him to be sensitive to involving you.

Maybe at the time joke about a few things – make a point of reaching for his hand even if he doesn’t reach for yours, and if he drops it, comment on it.  (“Hey where are you going?!  Come back here.”)  Call him out on the pampered comment because that’s really not cool.  (“I noticed you didn’t complain about being pampered when I made you dinner every night last week!”)

Observe how his parents interact – are they very affectionate?  They likely model behaviors for the house for what’s appropriate, ranging from sexual tolerance to romantic tolerance.  You can only push this so far before he’ll feel uncomfortable, as if the unspoken rules are being broken.

And when you get back and start opening doors again, comment on that positively.  “Thanks, I love it when you open doors for me.  It makes me really feel like a lady!”  Maybe even add “I missed it last week at your parents.”

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