(Closed) Family Issues!! If Dads invited Mom won't come (Long Story, Kinda Short)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think your dad is trying to sabotage everything.  It sounds like he was hurt that he wasn’t told in person, by you. 

For the time being, I’d keep most of your planning quiet.  Don’t pick attendants yet.  There isn’t much need for attendants at this point, since you’re still two years out.  Once you really start planning in another year or so, hopefully you’ll have a better hold on your guest list and family situation. 

Post # 4
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

 

Believe me I get it!

I have similar family drama. About a week after I got engaged I was asked about my guest list by several members of my family to see if certain people were invited (Other family members. Several of my aunts are not speaking to each other.) My brother also threatened not to attend. AND my mom said she didnt think it was a good idea my dad walk me down the aisle (They are divorced and I am the only girl of three boys) like really. I didnt get a chance to enjoy my engagement at first. I feel your pain. You are NOT a bad person! Do what makes you happy.

 

Post # 5
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Firstly, congratulations on your engagement! Secondly, I have to agree with abbie017,  I think maybe your dad was just hurt that he wasn’t told by you in person. Perhaps this put uneccessary tension on already strained relations. Maybe in a few weeks after things have cooled off, you could invite your brother, sister and parents out for dinner to make a joint announcement. If your parents don’t want to have dinner together you could take them each out for lunch personally. Maybe that might make your dad, especially feel a little more pacified?

For what it’s worth, I got engaged this past Christmas,  jumped right into planning a 2013 wedding and told everyone that very same day. They all expected so much out of me that it was ridiculous. Take time to enjoy your engagement and this new aspect to your relationship, before rushing into things. Trust me, the worst thing you can do is tell too many people too much information too soon. Especially if they’re people with big opinions and big mouths but no money to back it up, like my parents. :p

Post # 6
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I was sympathetic until I saw the last sentence when you turned into “Bridezilla” with “I’m the freakin bride to be”.

Tell me, how on earth is your father supposed to take you out to celebrate your engagement like you seem to expect when he didn’t actually know about your engagement and was told through a third party (your sister). 

Why not use this time in your life to try and build bridges with both your parents rather than drive them further away?

Post # 8
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It won’t matter if you add extra paragraphs on, you clearly did not tell your dad you were engaged as you left it up to your sister. I have not told my parents yet but I can assure you I will be telling them myself and not leaving them to hear from someone else. If you want to improve relations with your parents you have to start by talking to them yourself, forget about creating drama by turning into a monster at the very mention of taking some family out to dinner. 

No matter what you think about your parents, if it wasn’t for them getting together in the first place you wouldn’t be here today. They don’t get along and that’s hard enough without you making things worse for yourself by creating unnecessary drama over 1 request of dinner. 

 

Well unless you pick up the phone yourself and try to talk to your father, I can’t see this improving. If you are not prepared to take them out for dinner why not invite them around for a meal? I’m speaking from experience here because I didn’t speak to my own brother for almost 2 years, it was a long time ago and even though it was his fault initially I really regret that time of my life now that I’m a lot older. In my case it only took one phone call to mend things, had I not picked the phone up all those years ago I don’t know if we would be talking right now and it would kill me if he wasn’t at my wedding. 

Post # 10
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I come from a divorced family (as well as DH) and our policy is to tell each parent on the same day in the same way when we have things to announce. I think most of these issues comes from one parent feeling left out and hurt.

From here on out I would talk to each parent directly. They shouldn’t be finding these things out second hand. And then talk to your sister(actually talk to her abut this, don’t text), that you would like your relationship with her and your relationship with your dad to be seperate. If has thing he wants you to know then he can call you and tell you himself. Have this same conversation with your dad as well.

Post # 11
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee

I have to imagine it’s really hard to find yourself volleying between two parents and being the only one of their children to try and maintain relationships with both. I know that you are in a tough spot and there must be a lot of pressure trying to please everyone. Take a deep breath…relax…just remember that sometimes you just can’t make everyone happy…so you just need to do your best and leave the ball in their court.

It pains me when I hear about parents using their children as go-betweens and making them deliver messages and thus straining the relationship between siblings. My best advice is to sit down and have a heart to heart with your Dad after you decide what kind of relationship you really want with him. If it’s awkward like you mentioned…do you want to fix that? There are a lot of things you have to decide on a personal level before you can truly try and remedy your situation.

As for having your sister as Maid/Matron of Honor or a bridesmaid – give it time. You are two years away from your anticipated wedding date and nothing has to be decided now. I wouldn’t choose your attendants until 10-12 months out from the wedding. A lot of things can change between now and then and it’s far easier to wait to choose rather than regretting a decision after it’s made!

Best of luck, OP! Keep us posted and one more thing…CONGRATULATIONS!

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