Post # 1
Im new to weddingbee, I only got engaged on June 8th! The wedding won’t be until 2014, future hubby is a police officer so we have to work around his schedulae, BUT the wedding drama has already started!! People its only been a week!
To give you some background my parents are divorced. I have an older brother, 29 who hasnt spoken to my father in over 10 years, he lives with my mom, I live with her too, and I have a younger sister going to be 20 on July 6th who lives with my dad, she hasnt spoken to my mother in over 2 years. Me, Im going to be 26 on July 23rd, and I try to be involved with both parents, although my father and I arent really close, I almost feel ackward when Im around him, its like a weird uncomfortable feeling. Anyway….this is my dilema, I feel like my father is trying to sabotage EVERYTHING!! I feel like it would be easier to just cut my ties with him so I can try to enjoy planning my wedding over the next two years.
Let me give you all an example, the day I got engaged I told my sister! She was super excited and sooo happy, I wanted her to be my maid of honor, but thats shaping up to look like a disaster cause she cant not get herself involved with me and my fathers issues, he likes to speak through her and he makes her feel guilty that her and I have a relationship and me and him do not. Anyway…so she was really freakin’ excited and that made me happy, BUT not even two days later she sent me a text telling me that I was a bad person for not taking them out to dinner to tell them I was engaged! LIKE REALLY IM SUPPOSED TO TAKE YOU GUYS OUT!! IM THE FREAKIN’ BRIDE TO BE!!
Post # 3
I don’t think your dad is trying to sabotage everything. It sounds like he was hurt that he wasn’t told in person, by you.
For the time being, I’d keep most of your planning quiet. Don’t pick attendants yet. There isn’t much need for attendants at this point, since you’re still two years out. Once you really start planning in another year or so, hopefully you’ll have a better hold on your guest list and family situation.
Post # 4
Believe me I get it!
I have similar family drama. About a week after I got engaged I was asked about my guest list by several members of my family to see if certain people were invited (Other family members. Several of my aunts are not speaking to each other.) My brother also threatened not to attend. AND my mom said she didnt think it was a good idea my dad walk me down the aisle (They are divorced and I am the only girl of three boys) like really. I didnt get a chance to enjoy my engagement at first. I feel your pain. You are NOT a bad person! Do what makes you happy.
Post # 5
Firstly, congratulations on your engagement! Secondly, I have to agree with abbie017, I think maybe your dad was just hurt that he wasn’t told by you in person. Perhaps this put uneccessary tension on already strained relations. Maybe in a few weeks after things have cooled off, you could invite your brother, sister and parents out for dinner to make a joint announcement. If your parents don’t want to have dinner together you could take them each out for lunch personally. Maybe that might make your dad, especially feel a little more pacified?
For what it’s worth, I got engaged this past Christmas, jumped right into planning a 2013 wedding and told everyone that very same day. They all expected so much out of me that it was ridiculous. Take time to enjoy your engagement and this new aspect to your relationship, before rushing into things. Trust me, the worst thing you can do is tell too many people too much information too soon. Especially if they’re people with big opinions and big mouths but no money to back it up, like my parents. :p
Post # 6
I was sympathetic until I saw the last sentence when you turned into “Bridezilla” with “I’m the freakin bride to be”.
Tell me, how on earth is your father supposed to take you out to celebrate your engagement like you seem to expect when he didn’t actually know about your engagement and was told through a third party (your sister).
Why not use this time in your life to try and build bridges with both your parents rather than drive them further away?
Post # 7
Wow…I didnt realize this until Irish-Bride said I turned into Bridezilla at the end, but that wasnt the end of my post there was supposed to be 4 more paragraphs after that sentence. There was way much more to the story…ill try to fix the post so you guys can read the rest it.
Post # 8
It won’t matter if you add extra paragraphs on, you clearly did not tell your dad you were engaged as you left it up to your sister. I have not told my parents yet but I can assure you I will be telling them myself and not leaving them to hear from someone else. If you want to improve relations with your parents you have to start by talking to them yourself, forget about creating drama by turning into a monster at the very mention of taking some family out to dinner.
No matter what you think about your parents, if it wasn’t for them getting together in the first place you wouldn’t be here today. They don’t get along and that’s hard enough without you making things worse for yourself by creating unnecessary drama over 1 request of dinner.
Well unless you pick up the phone yourself and try to talk to your father, I can’t see this improving. If you are not prepared to take them out for dinner why not invite them around for a meal? I’m speaking from experience here because I didn’t speak to my own brother for almost 2 years, it was a long time ago and even though it was his fault initially I really regret that time of my life now that I’m a lot older. In my case it only took one phone call to mend things, had I not picked the phone up all those years ago I don’t know if we would be talking right now and it would kill me if he wasn’t at my wedding.
Post # 9
@Irish-bride: actually it would have helped to finish the story, because I did end of calling my father the very next day to try and talk to him, and to this day he has NOT returned my phone call!
I love how you say your engaged, have set a date, but have yet to tell your parents?! Are you kidding when I got engaged I told anybody and everybody who would listen! It was one of the most exciting times of my life! If you’ve told other people other than your parents, dont you think that its going to get back to them.
I wasnt asking for anyone to tell me I was wrong or right, I was asking for advice not for someone to jump down my throat. You do not know me and if you did I am the FURTHEST thing from a bridezilla, if I could have someone do all the planning for me, pick everything out, and just tell me the date and time to show up I WOULD!
So please if your only going to have a nasty view on my post, please dont comment, Im not here for arguements Im here to get advice from people who have or had the same situation. Thank you!
Post # 10
I come from a divorced family (as well as DH) and our policy is to tell each parent on the same day in the same way when we have things to announce. I think most of these issues comes from one parent feeling left out and hurt.
From here on out I would talk to each parent directly. They shouldn’t be finding these things out second hand. And then talk to your sister(actually talk to her abut this, don’t text), that you would like your relationship with her and your relationship with your dad to be seperate. If has thing he wants you to know then he can call you and tell you himself. Have this same conversation with your dad as well.
Post # 11
I have to imagine it’s really hard to find yourself volleying between two parents and being the only one of their children to try and maintain relationships with both. I know that you are in a tough spot and there must be a lot of pressure trying to please everyone. Take a deep breath…relax…just remember that sometimes you just can’t make everyone happy…so you just need to do your best and leave the ball in their court.
It pains me when I hear about parents using their children as go-betweens and making them deliver messages and thus straining the relationship between siblings. My best advice is to sit down and have a heart to heart with your Dad after you decide what kind of relationship you really want with him. If it’s awkward like you mentioned…do you want to fix that? There are a lot of things you have to decide on a personal level before you can truly try and remedy your situation.
As for having your sister as Maid/Matron of Honor or a bridesmaid – give it time. You are two years away from your anticipated wedding date and nothing has to be decided now. I wouldn’t choose your attendants until 10-12 months out from the wedding. A lot of things can change between now and then and it’s far easier to wait to choose rather than regretting a decision after it’s made!
Best of luck, OP! Keep us posted and one more thing…CONGRATULATIONS!