Family issues – Long post

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3227 posts
Sugar bee

We teach people how to treat us. If you want them to stop being cruel to you, stop allowing it. But that also comes with paying for your own bills and your own school. You can’t have it both ways. There are clearly conditions for their support and you have to decide if you want to abide by those conditions or not, and accept their behavior. If you don’t want to accept their behavior, draw the line in the sand and be willing to accept the fallout thereafter. 

Post # 3
Member
11102 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

pumpkinwaffle :  

I made it through a little over half way through your post before I started screaming into a pillow.

Sweetie, your parents are radioactive for you.  The less contact you have with them, the happier and healthier you are going to be.  You will never change them.  You will never have their approval.  Because they’re aresholes.

Stop sharing information with them.  They are not entitled to know the details of your personal life.  

Unfortunately, as long as your parents are giving you money, they have power over you.  It’s a toxic situation, you’re much too enmeshed.  For the sake of your own mental health, it’s time for you to find a way to pay your own bills and school expenses.  Look into your financial aid options.

There’s a good book called Toxic Parents, by Dr Susan Forward. You may want to take a look at it.

Post # 4
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

I gained some extra freedom after I finished my undergrad when I started working. Money sometimes is used as a tool for manipulative parents to control their children. Sad but true. Setting boundaries is a healthy action but it does take some sacrifice. Unfortunately your mom knows no boundaries when she decided the best option to embarrass you was to make a scene in public place. My mother did that. I was utterly embarrassed. After that trip with her, I didn’t go home for a year. My relationship with her isn’t the best. About your parents and bf.. guess it’s good that your bf wants to ask for your dad’s blessings. You’ll never know. Ask him to try but if your dad says no, will you still be happy marrying him? This is a question for yourself. To wish our parents to change is like an impossible dream. At some point I hope I’ll get there and to be able to accept she’ll always love my brother more, and expect the impossible from me. And learn to forgive her and treat myself better. Your bf is awesome. Love him more each day. May your love for each other be your pillar to recover from the toxicity of your family relationships. Hugs xxx

Post # 5
Member
5846 posts
Bee Keeper

pumpkinwaffle :  If your therapist is saying “I can’t believe they haven’t warmed up to your boyfriend yet” IMO you need a new therapist. Is your therapist not hearing the way these people treat you? These are cruel, toxic people who are damaging you- and your therapist expresses surprise that you didn’t all get together over a Sunday dinner? It doesn’t sound like she’s grasping either the reality or the seriousness of the situation. 

Unfortunately, sometimes the people we need to cut out of our lives are family members. It’s an extreme reaction, but when certain people are so toxic that they affect your mental health, your well being, and your happiness, it may be a necessary step. If you can’t bring yourself to cut them out entirely, at least not yet, then at least extricate yourself from their influence as much as possible. 

Most universities have tons of help and support available to you. I would advise you to go into their Student Wellness & Accessibility Services (your university may have this under a slightly different name) where you can receive counselling and advice- not just re therapy but in applying for financial aid, student housing etc. The less control your parents have over you, the less they are able to use money as a means to keep you under their thumb while treating you like garbage. 

Then, when you are living independently and receiving therapy etc, you can decide how much, if any, contact to have with them. ON. YOUR. TERMS. If you find the strength to cut them out of your life entirely, it’s certainly understandable given how horrid they’ve been. If you aren’t ready to cut all ties, you can limit your contact with them to occasional visits- and if you go to visit them and they are mean or nasty or picking a fight with you, you can stand up, look them directly in the eye, and tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not allow yourself to be treated like this, spoken to like this. And leave. You will feel so much better saying this, empowered. And you make it clear to them that you will not see them unless they can behave like decent human beings. 

^^ And this is exactly what abusive people hate. The loss of control. They KNOW they can get away with speaking to you the way they do, because they can lord their financial help over your head as a means to control you. Take away their control Bee, you will have so much more freedom and happiness, even if you have to take out student loans and find student housing (there are several options for student housing). 

Good luck sweetie, you have some difficult steps to take, but these steps will be so liberating and lead you toward a happier, healthier future. 

Post # 6
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  THIS! I was writing a long resposne but coul not have said it better.

Their reaction has nothing to do with your relationship. No matter who you would be with or if you would not be with anyone they would have something bad to say about it. You have to cut them out of your life for you. I feel like they are contradicting themselves just to find negative things. They look down people without a pedigree and who are lower class than them, yet they are pressuring you to be a waitress? Eventhough you have the word “lead” in your current title? Sounds like they just want to control you and find things wrong. Just take the financial damage and run. You’ll be so much happier paying off student debt and being free.

Post # 7
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

I’m not sure how old you are, but I will guess maybe 19 or 20 given that you are in college.  This is a transitional age for you, where if your parents are giving you financial support, they will still feel like they have a say in how you live.  Let’s talk about your life plan.  Do you intend to finish college and do you have a plan for starting your career?  I think if you want to allow your parents to pay for your college (assuming it’s not via loans that they will dump on you later) and help with your apartment, then play their game and do well in school, take summer classes, etc. and finish your degree and get a self supporting job as soon as you can.  Look for other jobs that you can do so you can support your living expenses and truly make it on your own, or, find a roommate or two and then live on your own.  

With the boyfriend, be careful that he is a boyfriend and not your only escape from your parents. Have other friends, etc.  He sounds like a good guy, but take your time to become who you are as an adult first before deciding to get marrried. 

I am assuming that the boyfriend is not living with you in your apartment (when he is not helping his mom).  

You could probably get a better job than working in the gas station?  Find the best pay and learning experiences that you can and whenever you can move up, move up. 

Save your money, it will buy you your freedom from your parents.   Good luck. 

Post # 9
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

Don’t sweat the family gossip.

My best guess is that your parents are very disappointed that you are living with a boyfriend.  Honestly, I’m not a fan of living with someone before engagement/marriage, either.  

What is your plan?  What are you going to go to school for?  How long will it take you to finish college?  What job are you planning to get after college?  Most pepole who start college after high school would be done and starting in a regular job right now.  How long is it going to take you to launch and be independent?  So you did 2 years at community college and then will finish in 2 years at Stout by age 25?  How many hours a week are you working and studying?  

I think your parents are concerned about you being able to stand on your own feet.  They also may be concerned about your decision making if you have moved in with the boyfriend instead of a female roommate.  They may also want you to work in a place that is nicer than a gas station.  That’s not that bad.  You don’t want to work at the gas station forever, either, do you?  How close are you to being able to cover your bills on your own? 

You’re well into adulthood, but your parents want to see you off to a strong start and it sounds like they’re worried about how it’s going so far.  I feel I would be worried too if I were in their shoes.  They want to see you succeed and that means finishing school and being able to become indepenent, safe and happy, not needing your parents or a boyfriend for financial or emotional support. 

 

Post # 12
Member
2262 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

pumpkinwaffle :  don’t “play their games” any longer. It is not worth it. You can support yourself through college if necessary (I did). It would be better to have loans than to put up with their BS. Tell them that you won’t tolerate their negative comments about you anymore. They can choose to stop being so abusive and still help you with college. If they try to hold the money over your head tell them it is not worth tolerating abuse for money. 

I had a hard time learning to stand up for myself. I don’t tolerate that nonsense anymore. You shouldn’t either. You are your own person. 

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