(Closed) Family Issues

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m all about preserving the family unit and all, but seriously??!! It sounds like the woman is seriously imbalanced. She was classically abusive. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to you, calmed down, probably felt guilty, and said that she was sorry. The problem is, she’s not sorry for how she made you feel. She’s sorry she looked like an ass. It was still all about her.

Take the high road. Tell her you’re sorry she feels the way that she does and end the conversation. Don’t worry about talking about it further. You handled it like a lady. If at some point in the future the woman comes to you and seems to be sincerely sorry and has demonstrated sane behavior you can reevaluate then. Until then, stay away from her, she’s poisonous.

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, just remember, the fact that she’s obviously bent is in no way your fault. You didn’t cause it and you can’t prevent it. If anything you should feel badly for the rest of the family that actually does see her more often.

Best of luck to you!

Post # 4
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I had a similar thing happen to me, but it was for a family reunion instead of a wedding.  This was over 4 years ago and I chose to ignore the comments and just let those who I am close to know that I really had no choice.  To make a long story short, it has been made very clear to me that I am the only one in the family that didn’t attend.  So, when I had my wedding in August and some family members chose not to come to my wedding I knew why, and I realized that it didn’t matter.  If they are really so petty hold a grudge 4 years later, that is their problem.  The family that I love and am close to were all at my wedding; the petty side of the family that bitches about everything wasnt’; it worked out great!

Post # 5
20 posts
  • Wedding: April 2009

Well done for not going down to her level. If YOU want to, talk to your COUSIN!!! NOT YOUR AUNT afterall it is HER wedding! LOL! Just explain that you’re extremely sorry that you are unable to attend, and that whilst you have had to RSVP unable to come, that you would like to help, be there for her should she so require in so far as your course allows. OR that you could see her after her honeymoon, and have a little welcome home thing with her and her husband. If there is further demoralising behaviour then thats their problem…Your a very intellegent lady by the sounds of it, and it would seem that your Aunt and Cousin still need a little bit of maturing to do. Although to be honest, they could just be ignorant of what it is you do and the limitations it places on your personal freedom.

Post # 6
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Interesting that your aunt wants you to care about everyone else’s feelings, yet she’s not the least bit concerned about YOURS!!

It sounds like you definitely took the high road on this one. I agree with andriab, your aunt’s behavior was very abusive and spiteful. I think keeping your distance is definitely the safest bet…unless your aunt decides to SINCERELY apologize at some point in the future. Good luck!

Post # 8
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I had a similar situation with an aunt.  The first time she did that kind of thing to me I let it go- it was brought up by a death in the family (not a wedding).  Then at my wedding she make a huge scene and spectacle in the parking lot as all the guests were gathering for brunch by turning her venom on another aunt.

After that I wrote her off.  I haven’t contacted her since the wedding (6 months ago) and she hasn’t contacted me.

My family had been close, but her behavior was really the last straw for me.  I pretty much have no use for her.

I will continue to be civil and take part in family gatherings and such, but I’m not making any effort to reconcile with her.  If it weren’t my love for my uncle and cousins (her husband and children) I would probably have it out with her.  But for the sake of my relationship with them, I’m holding my tongue.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I agree that your aunt was totally out of line.

Post # 9
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I’m so sorry. What is it about Weddings that seems to bring out the very best… and the very worst in people? It sounds like your Aunt definitely overreacted. And while her words may seem unforgiveable, it is fair to realize that most of the things people say when they are upset like that are aimed to HURT and these things are not usually a genuine reflection of how people really feel.

 That said, it sounds like this overreaction was a long time coming. Based on other things you say, it seems a fair observation to say that she has been looking for an excuse to do just that. You clearly handled the outburst with class and dignity, and I hope you can soon put this behind you.

 Take care,

Miss Rain

Post # 10
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wow, just wow!  If someone wished my grandparents dead for my wedding, not sure if I could ever forgive them.  I think the best is to not let this crazy person, who your family obviously hasn’t been very close to for a while (apparently with good reason) not weigh on your mind too much.  There is a point after which there is very little you can do.

That said, it might be worth reaching out to your cousin.  You have no idea whether she’s actually upset or even aware of her mother’s behavior, so if that relationship is important to you it might be worthwhile.  

And, FWIW, the issue of your grandparents seeing everyone together may have some merit.  You might also consider making that happen however you can if you think it will matter to them (and it matters to you).  But seriously, w.r.t. your aunt, it’s really not clear to me that much good will come of further trying to reach out to her.

Post # 11
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I completly agree with you. I would not be able to forgive her. She showed her true colors in that phone call to you. That behavior is unforgivable.

You should reach out to your cousin though. She may have nothing to do with how her  mother is acting and may be horrified. You should reach out to her and she is she acts a little more classy than her mother

 Geez! I am sorry. Family can give us suck pain sometimes

Post # 12
5282 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

All I can say is WOW! You were def the bigger person here, I would of hung up on her once she started with the insulting statments. It’s always shocking to hear stories like this, I mean, yes my wedding is important TO ME. But I don’t expect it to be everyone in my extended families number one priority, esp cousins!

Hopefully your cousin isn’t like her mother, and if you think she is, I would just suggest writing your cousin a quick note to avoid any more confrontations, vs. calling her.

Stick to your guns, school (esp your finals) is more important then your extended families wedding. Good Luck to you!

Post # 14
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009 - Red Fish Grill

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.  I don’t know what it is about weddings that brings out the crazy in some people, but they do.

I’ve been experiencing similar pain due to the crumbling of part of my own extended family, which I never imagined could happen.  I know that absolutely no good can come from communicating with my aunt, so I’ve decided simply not to.

As hard as it must have been to not expose your aunt’s vile words, you did the right thing in protecting your grandmother’s feelings.  She is blessed to have you as her granddaughter!  I hope that you will soon be able to put this situation behind you.

Take care…

Post # 15
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Geez, I am so sorry all this is going on. I think you are right not to tell your grandmother what your aunt said (is she your grandmother’s daughter? wishing her dead?? oh dear!).

Could you, would you feel comfortable, or have you — told them that you tried to move your finals and it’s impossible? Do they see merit in your studies? I ask because some of my extended family & older family put more worth on marriage than education; they never expected me to support myself. To this day, I only have 1 other female cousin who is not a stay-at-home mom. They didn’t support my choice to work. 

Have you been able to ask your cousin to intervene yet? 

Even if your grandmother wants to see all your family together, you can visit her yourself or else suggest another time people get together. We used to always meet, almost like a family reunion, at my grandmother’s birthday. Now that she has died, I have rarely seen some of my extended family. 

I know I wrote a lot about me, but I feel for you — really — although my situation is nowhere near as tense. I’m getting it from both sides, attending a cousin’s wedding and an aunt threatening not to come to my own. ((hugs))

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