(Closed) Family makes me want to call off the wedding

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
8317 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 Well, firstly I think you should not  give another  thought  to your sister’s plans or lack thereof –  not your problem,  not  your concern , let it go ( or at least stop talking about it, to her or to your parents )  because doing so will only cause more issues.

Sounds like  there is a great  deal of envy and jealousy between you  and your sister . Her   “guess what I got engaged ,god it sucks to be you” is a comment worthy of a peevish brat of 10  wishing to outdo her  (older? ) sister rather than a women  getting married, and you clearly hate the fact that your parents are giving her more than they gave you by way of assistance etc and you believe yourself to be more worthy of it.

Which you undoubtedly are, and  just as undoubtedly your parents  have not been  fair about it . BUT there  is not a thing  you can do about that. Not. One .Thing.  You can’t change the past and you can’t really do much about family dynamics except remove yourself from them .

I don’t know what is going on with your mother except possily an unconscious desire to punish you,  the Good Daughter. We are  sometimes  negative  to people we have wronged, because they  make us feel bad about ourselves. Plus this  ” My mom has always been my best friend and my hero. She and I have always been super close and I wanted nothing else than to be just like her when I grow up.” is a one hell of a thing to live up to all the time .And you are grown up now .

Practically speaking you can write down  every single thing you think your mother ought to know about your  wedding on paper and give to her , then she can’t  claim not to know  anymore .  

If your sister gives even a hint  of not  wanting to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, I’d take  her up on that , she sounds capable of sabotage to me.

Finally , can I just say , re  your thread title , are you really serious about calling  off your wedding because you have problems with your sister and your  mother is unfair to you ?  What about your fiance   , do you want him end up being collateral damage? . None of this is of his making,  poor man.  I say, cleave  to him  and  concentrate on your adult married life.

 

 

 

 

 

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Post # 3
Member
2669 posts
Sugar bee

That  opening paragraph as much too long to read.

Post # 4
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

anybee123:    I am sorry that your relationship with your mom seems to be unraveling. It sounds like the relationship is extremely important to you and I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to have to deal with this while you’re supposed to be enjoying your engagement.

I definitely understand what you are saying about your sister – she sounds like an immature drama queen. Unfortunately, when your sister chooses to get engaged, who she chooses to live with, what she plans to do after she’s married and who supports her financially is none of your business. It’s easy to get pissed about all of these things and gossip to mom about it because your sister is being seriously awful, but I would avoid doing this and I also wouldn’t listen to other family members (aunts, cousins) gossip about mom or lil sis to you either. That could backfire big time.

As far as why your mom is acting like this, a familiar situation comes to mind. My friend and her sister are always at odds because the mom provokes each sister to gossip about each other than she relays the information to each sister at different times to get what she wants from them. For example, if mom wants more time with older sister’s kids she might trash talk younger sister to get in good with older sister to see her kids more.  If mom wants money from younger sister, she might trash talk older sister to get sympathy and money from younger sister. 

Maybe this is what is going on with your mom and sister. Your sister may be giving your mom something she wants right now (mother of the bride attention, control over sis’ life and wedding, the feeling of being needed – whatever). Your mother may be eating it up and in order to get more of it she is trashing you to stay in good with lil sister.  It’s completely toxic and self-serving, but it might be a possibility.  

I would say elope because I have zero tolerance for family drama and eloping is my preference. But it sounds like having your mom and sister involved in your wedding is extremely important to you. In that case, I would send the email to mom asking her why she is suddenly upset with you, Fiance and your wedding and what can the two of you do to change that. Ask for specific examples of what is upsetting her and focus on a compromise for the two of you. Tell her how important she is to you. I wouldn’t focus on why you are hurt, etc. because although you are 100% right, you have tried reasoning with her about that and she played the victim, right? This means that you need to try something else. Best of luck and congratulations on your engagement! 

Post # 7
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Get married with just your witnesses. Make it beautiful and special with the entire focus on the love you feel for our betrothed. Have a great lunch or dinner at your favorite restaurant. Take lots of pictures to remember the beauty of the day. Hold fast to these ideas on marriage and love from the Bible:

Ephesians 5:31<br />Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7<br />Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.<br /><br />You deserve the happiness that comes from finding your love. Get married. Your patience will be tried enough if your children ever throw a tantrum. You don’t need hissy fits from adults.<br /><br />Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

anybee123:  To me it sounds like your younger sister is a bit spoiled and leans on her mom, who enables her. She is involving your mom in everything wedding and you are hurt and need distance so you are not. Your mom is feeding into your sisters toxicity and they are starting to kind of gang up on you which is not nice.

Post # 9
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I completely agree with everything that ElderBee said! You are a grown woman and you are your own person (with aspects of your mother in you). This is the start of your life with your soon to be husband and this should be a happy time. This has nothing to do with him so calling off the wedding just because of family drama wouldn’t be wise. I understand EXACTLY how you feel though as I am in a similar situation with my own mother.

I too, like you, was very close with my mom and I considered her my best friend. Then a year ago during the christmas holidays, a big fight happened with my grandmother (my mom’s mom) and my mom and I. A lot of hurtful things were said between my mother and my grandmother as they have some unresolved issues between the two of them. My mom tried to drag me into it and said that I needed to “back her up and be on her side”. I told her I’m not taking sides. It’s not about taking one side over the other. They were both wrong so trying to recruit me on whichever side just to make you sound more “right” isn’t going to resolve the issue at hand. She said I was part of it (which I was a little bit to try and calm the situation down) and yada-yada-yada… I basically told her she was on her own and she has been punishing me for it ever since. The thing that I find sad about the whole thing is that all three of us were in business together doing family coaching with families in crisis and troubled teens and my own family “claims” to have their own shit together and that past issues are “healed”. But it’s a load of horseshit! So I went out on my own and created my own coaching business because I am not willing to act and pretend like I have it all together and that I’m perfect because I’m not. I’m human for christ’s sake! All I can expect of myself and my clients are to strive to be better every day. Learning is a lifelong process and we aren’t finished learning and growing until we’re dead.

What I notice in my family (my mother specifically) is that she is using all the tools we’ve learned in our trainings to become these high level coaches and trainers, and is using it for manipulation to get her own way and to try to be in control. All she wants to do is yell and fight with everyone and create drama and she tries to tell me that it’s me when I’m barely ever around because I have my own life (and as you can see I keep my distance for good reason).

My mom also tries to project her marriage needs and problems onto me and my relationship with my Fiance which drives me absolutely insane!!! I’ve yelled at her multiple times for this to tell her to mind her own business and to put that energy into her own marriage with my dad. She’s gotten so bad where she’s even threatened to not help pay for my wedding and she’ll throw in a comment like she doesn’t approve of my relationship with my Fiance. And what really gets me mad is that she has the audacity to call me up the next day and try and be all nice and invite us over for dinner after she’s said so many hurtful things to me and about my Fiance and our wedding. I’m basically ready to cut her out of my life completely because of all of her childish games and how much they’re hurting me. I’ve set boundaries with her and I’ve told her straight to her face that I don’t need her approval to marry my man. He is the love of my life and it is my choice who I am with, not hers! And if she doesn’t want to help with the wedding then that’s completely find with me. I don’t need that drama hanging over my head thinking that she’s going to manipulate me because of the money that her and my dad are putting into it. But then she insists that she wants to help…

It kills me and I’m so hurt because of all of this. She is my mother after all and I love her and I obviously want her to be involved in this as this is the most important day of my life. I mean what woman wouldn’t? But I told her if she tries anything with me than I do not want her help anymore and she will only get an invitation and thats it. I also told her that when it comes time for my Fiance and I to start having kids after the wedding her visitation with her grandkids will be VERY supervised and limited. I know all of this sounds harsh and mean, but I need to put those boundaries in place! Otherwise, it leaves too much room for her to interfere. I’m saying loud and clear to her that if you step over that line than you’re out. So if having a relationship with me is as important to you as you say it is, than you will respect my decisions and not try to manipulate me just to try and get your way. I need to do that as a woman and step into my personal power and use my voice because it’s my life and no one elses and I need to take ownership of that! I don’t need that drama in my life and neither do my future children or my Fiance. I refuse to take any crap from anyone, not even my mother. I deserve better than that and so do you!

It honestly sounds to me though like your sister is very jealous and that this is all just a competition to her. She is only trying to steal the limelight from your own wedding which I think it extremely immature. It sounds like she has already done a great deal of damage and sabotage and is willing to do whatever it takes to look “better than you”. But really all she’s doing is making herself look like a child begging for attention. To me, that does not sound like someone who is ready for marriage. I think unconsciously she has a negative belief about herself that you’re better than her and she only acting like this out of low self esteem.

I understand that you love your sister and you want her to be by your side to support you on your big day. But in all honesty, I don’t think she’s willing to do that for you based on what she has done and said to you thus far. I think you really need to be honest with yourself in this. Are you really willing to give her that much power to destroy your marriage before it even begins? I would seriously recommend taking her out of the Maid/Matron of Honor role. You need women in your bridal party who are going to support you and uplift you, not bring you down. You need to put boundaries in place and make it clear to your sister that her behaviour is not okay. You need to put this behind you and just concentrate on yourself and make your wedding work under the circumstances. I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to do it for yourself for your own sanity and for your Fiance. Keep telling your mom and your sister how their behaviour is making you feel and that is really all you can do. Don’t blame or point fingers because that will only put them in defensive mode. Just say what you’re noticing in their behaviour and how it’s making you feel and what you’re interpreting from it. You can’t control how other people behave, you can only be accountable for yourself. And you need to stand true to what you want and your values. No one else can do that for you!

Post # 10
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Holy crap, I just wrote a book haha sorry! I hope that helps you though. It’s a hard situation to be in. Good luck and I wish you all the best with your wedding 🙂

Post # 11
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Letting people crap all over you is not love.  Letting people make you cry while your fiance watches is not love.  Tolerating miserable people in their cruel behaviours (that just make them even more miserable!) is not love.  Do you really think your sister and mother feel good about themselves when they say nasty things to you? Does it makes them think “Wow, I’m such a good, kind person who should feel proud of herself!”?    

Love is setting boundaries.   Like a parent who doesn’t tolerating kicking and biting from their kid.  Love is accepting people’s limitations.  Eloping sounds good.  But if you have a wedding, I’d just ask my sister and mother to show up as guests and not be involved in any planning.  There’s nothing generous or magnanimous or kind about tolerating cruel behaviour.          

Post # 12
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Have a beautiful small wedding with your closest friends or family who are supportive of you – don’t invite anyone else – then high tail it out of your toxic family dynamic. I’m sorry but your sister sounds really immature and not ready to be anyones wife. I never understood sibling jealousy when it comes to these things. I’d be happy if I were you to be marrying out and away. Make your life fantastic. Don’t look back. It all sounds like petty jealousy and thoughtlessness to me. 

Post # 13
Member
8317 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 

anybee123:  Thank you for this nice reply, I was worrying  overnight that I sounded  unfeeling and careless which  I absolutely   didn’t mean  to do. And I take your point about not feeling more deserving , just not less !

I’m so glad that  what you  meant about  calling  off  the wedding just meant the big  ceremonial  aspect, not the actual marriage itself! That being  so, I am with all the  pp’s who say  elope –   just  do it. Afterwards tell everyone  your  FI  insisted – he’s  got your back anyway and would probably be fine with that . Dunno about his family of course………

Bostonbride above sounds like  she has passed through ( still passing  through) the  same sort of crap as you . I’ d take  heed from her post and advice and seize your adult status and run with it. Mother   and sister willl   come round eventually , and if not ,  then they probably never were going  to (unless you grovelled and  apologised and carried  on as if it were all your fault   in some way ) Your FI’s patience  is probably  wearing thin and a big showdown between him and   your mum and sister would be awful for you , though I bet your sister would revel in it .  .Grab him and run girl !

You  might also look at the elopement posts/ threads  on this boards. I don’t think  there  is a single one where it was regretted ,  though there are many who wished they had eloped.

Oh and if you elope you  wouldn’t have to bother with a whole lot of stuff, including    the screed for your mother I suggested suggested earlier. That’d be nice !

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