(Closed) Family meltdown (sorry, kinda long) :(

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Clairedelune

I am soooooo sorry this happens…I can only imagine how awful you must feel.

It sucks that your SO hasnt put any real thought into marriage when you are obviously expecting to be proposed to sooner rather than later.  I really think the 10yrs thing was said out of anger/spite and that once he calms down he will realize he didnt really mean that or wont really do that.

I think its a good sign that he did say he would propose in 10yrs and continue living together meaning he does want to marry you eventually and he didnt even mention breaking up with you as an option even with the “family issues” which i think says a lot about his committment to you and you guys relationship.

I would wait for him to calm down for a few days maybe a week so that you can be calm as well and then maybe gently approach the topic and be like, we need to talk.  Not accusatory or demanding but just exploratory in the sense that you need to make your expectations/timelines plain so that you two are on the same page regarding building or working towards the future that you both one.  Hopefully the same future…

Sometimes men have certain things they want to accomplish before marriage, and it seems to be the case here, with his schooling. Which can delay your engagement but for how long? Would you be comfortable with that? And does he know how you feel about a longer engagement if necessary for him to complete school?

Good luck, it sucks now, but im sure in time hopefully this all works itself out. Hugs to you!!!

Post # 4
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

It was extremely inappropriate of your father to say those things to your SO in public. It’s good that your dad apologized, but if I were your SO it would make it hard for me to be around him for awhile, knowing that he essentially called him “not a man” in front of a whole group of people who will always remember that moment.

I guess I think there are two issues here: your SO and your family’s relationship, and you and your SO’s feelings about hte future.

1) I think he needs to accept your dad’s apology, try to understand where he’s coming from, and move on. But that doesn’t mean that he’ll be as comfortable with your dad/family as he was before.

2)He’s completely right that it’s no one’s business but yours and his. Your discussions with your SO about marriage need to be totally separate from this issue. How do YOU feel about grad school/finances/etc? Your needs matter as much as his. How much are you sacrificing professionally to go with him? Is that the right decision?  What do you need from him to feel secure doing this?

Post # 5
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Yikes! Family can be really great, but other times, they cause more problems than anything! 

This was definitely an emotionally charged conversation on both parts. I think that your dad shouldn’t have said what he did, especially in front of everyone. He was trying to express his frustration and fears and that came out extremely wrong. Your SO had every right to be mad. However, the 10 years thing was also a comment that shouldn’t have been said. And you every right to be hurt over the whole exchange. 

That being said, your dad and your SO are going to have to work through their differences if you are going to get married. That’s something they will have to do on their own. 

For the time being I would give it a few days and then approach your SO in a calm and collected matter. Let him know you’d like to make sure that you are both on the same page. Does he know your timeline for when you’d like to be married? I know you said that you’ve had a few discussions and he seems whatever about the whole thing, but I think it’s super important to communicate your feelings about your future instead of feeling like you have to stuff your emotions. 

I can relate to the conservative father thing. My SO and I moved in together and when I told my parents, my dad pretty much demanded that my SO talk to him about it. He used the honor thing too. I had warned my SO about my dad and thank god the talk went all right. So instead of the outright nasty comments, we get to hear about all the mean things my dad says behind our backs. I’m lucky that my SO is going to propose in the next 3ish months so we don’t have to deal with that for long.

Hopefully things get better for you!

Post # 6
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree with PP that you need to deal with the two issues separately: Your dad and your SO, and you and your SO. I also come from a conservative background, and my dad stopped speaking to me for 6 months when I moved in with my SO. He’s since come around, but it took awhile, and often my SO had to be the bigger person and just deal with my dad’s rudeness. 

I do find it somewhat odd that you two have talked about marriage but that your SO says he hasn’t given it any real thought. I would give him some time to calm down and then let him know how it made you feel when he said those things. Chances are, he was probably just reacting to the situation and wasn’t really thinking about what he was saying, but whatever the case may be, it’s important that you’re on the same page. 

Post # 7
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’ll probably be flamed for this, but anyone still studying for their future is right to not be thinking about marriage.

When I was 25, I wish I’d thought more about my career and education and less time waiting around for my ex H.  I put his career first and it was a MASSIVE mistake.  I honestly cannot express how much I regret it.

So your SO is doing the right thing, in my opinion.  And he’s right when he says it’s none of your parents business.  You are only 25, that’s still very young for marriage.  

If I was your SO, I would be reconsidering the whole relationship, let alone getting married anytime soon.  What your father said was inexcusable – and I’d be worrying if he is always going to be sticking his oar in what is frankly none of his business. 

Post # 8
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry but i can see where your dad is coming from.  If i put myself in his position, he would be very uneasy about the fact that you are giving up all these things to be with someone who hasn’t properly decided to devote themselves to you.  Its not that he hate your SO or anything, its just that he is looking out for your best interest. 

And i think you need to have a chat with your SO.  He hasnt put any real thought into it? As in…doesnt know if he wants to marry you at all? As far as i’m concerned, at your age and length of relationship, he should know where things are eventually leading and should be able to provide a timeline. Even if he gets you a simple ring and you have a long engagement, at least he has made the committment. 

Post # 9
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

I see where they are both coming from. Your dad didn’t just say those things because he’s more conservative than your SO. My guess is that your dad realizes you’d like to marry your SO. He wants his little girl happy, every parent does. If you were really unhappy in the relationship, I can pretty much assure you he wouldn’t be tempted – even by too much alcohol – to pressure your SO to propose. Your SO felt attacked and he attacked right back. Unfortunately, he didn’t actually attack your dad for his behavior with his words. He attacked your relationship.

I think it speaks volumes that your father has come around and apologized while your SO still stews about it. If he’s concerned about what the rest of your family will think of him, it won’t be for defending his relationship with you initially. Any negative judgement will very likely stem from his response of stomping out and then saying the things he said to you, while still being pissy about after the other party has apologized. If he’s worried he’s being judged, he likely is, but not for the reasons he assumes.

I personally think the larger issue is not about how your father’s lame attempt at what might have been a very inappropriate joke blew up, but what your SO admitted in that moment of honesty. The fact is that if the only thing holding him back was a school plan, he wouldn’t have suggested that he wants to wait just out of spite. He’s willing to sacrifice something you find important – something he knows you want since you’ve talked about it before – just because he got pissed off at your father. If he’s wiling to hurt you in that way just to prove a point to someone who isn’t in the relationship, that’s a problem.

Whenever you are ready, you need to sit down and discuss your future. Explain that while you two have vaguely talked about it, his recent behavior reveals that you two might not be anywhere near the same page, and you’d like to find out where you really stand with him. Is his commitment to you really based on who he gets pissed off at? I get that he was reacting emotionally when he made the 10 year claim, but he also spoke some truth that you didn’t realize – that he hasn’t seriously thought about marrying you. You deserve the honesty to know where he really stands. He may be thinking about these very things right now, too. Maybe the fight was a wake up call for him that he needs to be thinking about these things.

If, after that conversation, you guys are still on board with working toward a lifelong commitment, then you do need to talk to him about how to deal with your family. You probably need to emphasize that your father has already been willing to apologize, but that any judgement they are likely to cast is going to be centered around how he hurt you, not what actually happened that day. At the very least, he’s going to need to work with you to show a united front to your family.

Post # 11
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Clairedelune:  How frustrating!! It’s good that you talked to your dad. I think his fears and concerns are valid but no matter how good the intent, the damage is done. Maybe your SO just needs some time to work through what was said. I realize how difficult it can be for a guy’s manhood to be challenged. Egos get wounded and can take time to heal. 

How do you feel about your SO’s plans to go to grad school in Paris? Have you guys talked indepth about goals especially surrounding careers/schooling? It might be time to sit down and really talk about a timeline for your future whether that be school or an engagement. Once you work through that, hammer out plans then maybe you and your SO can go confidently to your dad and show him that you do have a plan, even if it’s a bit general. 

I don’t know; family issues can be sensitive and difficult. You can only do so much to repair a relationship between your SO and your dad. The rest is really up to them. Playing the moderator can sometimes put you in an awkward spot which you shouldn’t have to be in. Hopefully in time, things get better! Hang in there though!

Post # 12
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

That back story gives quite a bit of credibility to your father’s concerns. I’m glad that at least one party was willing to man up and sit down to talk to you about both his behavior and the motivations behind it.

From this udpate, it sounds like your SO has trouble committing to more than one big thing in his life. Have you found he’s like this with other things? If so, he may be having those conversations with you about marriage in the same broad way he seems to be describing moving off to Paris. It’s something he could see himself doing someday, but he’s not actually willing to make either thing happen.

I guess there’s another troubling element I see with his reasons about wanting to wait until he’s done with school that he hasn’t even been willing to seriously try to attend. He wants you to give up what you have created here – a solid education with what sounds like a good career to go support him. An American I knew in Paris said that it’s damn near impossible to get a job there as an American. He told me that his employer had to keep the job open for a long time and prove the case that he had skills or knowledge that were too hard for the employer to find in a reasonable time from French candidates. I don’t know if that’s true or if the guy’s boss was BSing him to make him feel important. (He was highly educated in a highly lucrative field, so I doubt it. Regardless, I put the possibility out there because I don’t know French employment regulations.) But, has he made any effort to research what you would have to give up and whether you even could feasibly move there with him to work? If he hasn’t, then he’s not seriously thinking about you being by his side for this move – if he’s even seriously thinking about the move in the first place.

Maybe one reason he still acts as though he needs space is because your dad’s remark was a wake up call. It might have been terribly stated one, but it may have been a message he needs to hear if he has a problem with seriously thinking through his larger life goals.

Post # 13
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I side with daddy on this one. Think of everything you are doing for him and what he is giving in return. The very least, he should have some sort of timeline as to what is going to happen with you both and thinking about the future with you in it. Maybe your dad was a bit forward, but he is a man that I would have loved to have in my corner when I was waiting.

Post # 14
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think dad is right. If I were him I’d be upset that my baby girl was going to be whisked away to France with a guy that won’t commit to her or even hint at a commitment. Especially now that he said he isn’t going to marry you for 10 years out of spite. I hope that was just the anger bug talking or your Fiance has some growing up to do.

I would only let this go for about another few days, and then Fiance and your dad need to have a talk with each other. You father offered an apology, which was awfully big of him to do. It’s sad Fiance can’t do the same. Be there and suppose both sides. This is a difficult situation.

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