- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
Hi Bees. I’m a first time poster, long time lurker. I have seen the fabulous support given on this site to brides and I am hoping for some support or advice myself. This will be kind of a long post.
My uncle and aunt who are the brother and SIL of my father are not going to be invited to the wedding. We are having a small engagement party this coming weekend with maybe 1/3 of the guest list invited and they were not invited to that of course. The reason for this exclusion is that my dad and his brother have not been speaking now for several years, due to a few arguments. The current state is somewhat peaceful because they do not get along, they have just chosen to not speak to each other, and both are fine with the decision and don’t have a desire to be part of each other’s lives. My grandparents, however, have always favored my uncle and it has always been obvious. They frequently go to my dad and ask him to reconcile with my uncle, but don’t put the same kind of pressure on my uncle to do so. My dad has always refused.
The first exclusion on a guest list came from my uncle, when he held a surprise 80th birthday party for my grandmother a few years ago. All of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren were present – except my dad and step-mom. My grandmother was devastated when she looked around and realized my dad wasn’t there. I sat across from her and she cried for most of the meal. After that, two of my cousins (children of my uncle) got married and my dad was not invited to either wedding. My brother and I attended all of these events out of respect for my grandparents and to celebrate with our cousins, but we were both uncomfortable with the situation and discussed it with my dad before attending. He encouraged us on all occasions to do what we felt was right.
Now we roll around to my wedding. My uncle and aunt have made moderate efforts to be in touch with me through these years of discord with my dad, but since I have been engaged they have not called, sent a card, or asked to see me and meet my fiancé. When discussing the issue of inviting them with my dad, he basically said “If they’re there, I won’t be.” My dad is funding the bulk of our wedding, but he not controlling the wedding whatsoever. We know our budget and we are making all the decisions. That is just the kind of guy he is. So while it may seem controlling of him to ask this of me, it is one of only a handful of things he has ever asked me to do and I feel very strongly that I need to honor his request. Because they hadn’t made an effort with me, the decision to leave them off felt a little easier, but in general I am still uncomfortable with excluding them, even though my dad was excluded from their kids’ weddings.
After the engagement party invitations went out, I saw my uncle around the neighborhood and waved and said hi, and he ignored me. My grandfather called me soon after that and asked me why they weren’t invited and told me to consider inviting them. I explained that they hadn’t reached out to me and that my dad was excluded from their events and that this was my decision.
Last night my aunt and uncle called me and said they have a gift for my fiancé and me and that they’d like to meet for dinner sometime in the next couple of weeks to meet him and give us the gift. Frankly, my uncle is manipulative and controlling, and my aunt is his puppet. That is my honest opinion of them. I feel that this meeting will be an attempt to get invited to the wedding. While I am firm in the decision not to invite them, I don’t feel 100% good about it because I know it is hurting my grandparents, and also because I don’t like to exclude people. I don’t think I will “cave” but I am wondering if I should even agree to meet with them? I am also unsure of how to defend a position that I am not 100% comfortable with.
I would truly appreciate any opinions on this matter. I am so conflicted, and it really helps me to see various viewpoints. My fiancé will support any decision I make. Thank you!