(Closed) Family Member Not Invited

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
413 posts
Helper bee

Oh girl.  I could have written this post myself.  As a MOB here on the site, I hope that as a mom and as a daughter who who lived this life herself, that I can help.  This is such a horrible situation to be in.  You feel bound by your duty to honor your dad and my grandparents did the same thing, it was always my dad that should make the effort, never my uncle. 

My dad was a very wise man (he passed in 2001).  He told me that his battles were not my battles and that I should choose for myself what I felt was right.  My uncle and I never speak (although we see one another on occasion at weddings, funerals, etc.) However, as for us cousins, we do have relationships.  If you went to your cousins wedding and you are involved with them, then invite them.  Your uncle is a grown man and he also ignored you.  As an adult you lead by example.

I am now 42 and my daughter is getting married soon.  I am just now understanding the full circle and the full effects these things can have on a family.  You live the life that you choose!  You be happy with YOUR decisions and do not allow the decisions of others to affect you.  I cannot tell you what to do.  I believe you know what you want to do.  Follow your head and not your heart in matters of family.  Sadly, that is where most of the hurt in life can come.  I wish you the very best.  Feel free to private message me if you like, I’ll help any way I can  Wink

Post # 4
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

my dad’s younger brother cut off ties with everyone in our family except my grandmother (his mother) a few years back. my dad would like his younger brother to rejoin the family, so to speak, but my dad’s older brother has no plans to ever talk to the youngest brother again. after discussing it with my parents, we’ve decided to be the bigger people and invite my uncle and his wife. it’s up to them whether they want to come or not. but in the end, me and my parents feel better sending the invitation and giving him the chance to reconcile his issues (and yes, they are all his issues).

Post # 7
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I, honestly, would respect your Father’s request. While you may be uncomfortable being in this position and worry about hurting your Grandparents, your first loyalty should be to your Dad. Your wedding isn’t the time for any kind of reconciliation, nor should it make you uncomfortable worrying about what may happen.

I really think there isn’t a decision to make..your Dad wins hands down.

Post # 8
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I have to say it’s a tough situation, but I think you should stick to your guns on this one and not invite them.  How horrible and stressful will it be for your dad if they’re there?

If they say anything about it when you meet with them, I’d suggest you point out the things you’ve pointed out to us: they very obviously haven’t invited your father to anything, so why should he (who, technically is hosting the wedding since he’s paying), invite them? Ask them why, if it’s that hard for them to be around your father for other occasions, would your wedding be any different?

In the end, your dad is your dad, and he’ll love you no matter what.  If your uncle didn’t speak to you or congratulate you before he was trying to weasel an invite to your wedding, will his behavior change after he gets what he wants? I’m thinking not.

Post # 9
Member
413 posts
Helper bee

I’m glad your consin’s (most of them) are coming!  As for meeting your uncle, I would say this:  It sounds as though you have made the decision to meet him, yet you worry about his motives.  So, meet him.  IF you feel comfortable accepting the gift, do so.  If they bought you a gift, it should be with no strings attached!  If they “hint” at an invite, let them know that unfortunately, because of this “issue” you are honoring your father’s wishes but that you sincerely thank them for their kindness, their gift and that you wish for them to continue to play a role in your lives.  That “this thing” between he and your dad has nothing to do with you.  He will know that.  Sometimes their pride has a hard time knowing it.

I also messaged you 🙂 

Post # 11
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I think that your response to this whole debacle should be: “Until [Uncle] can put his big boy undies on and reconcile with my father, he is absolutely not invited to an event which my father is hosting.  His half-hearted attempts to reach out to me are appreciated, but don’t dissolve the tension he has created with my father.  If he would like to call [my father] to talk it out and ask to be invited, it will be my father’s decision to invite him or not.  But he really has a lot to apologize for before that is going to happen.”

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you meeting with your uncle, and receiving a gift from him and his wife.  If his efforts are genuine, then he shouldn’t expect you to invite him to the wedding.  He should just be happy for you and your fiance, like his invitation would imply.  If he asks to be invited, I would tell him that your father is hosting the event, and he needs to ask your father.  (Trying to draw you into the middle of it all is LOW CLASS.)

Honestly, your uncle sounds like a total jerk.  TOTAL JERK.  He’s trying to guilt you into inviting him just to bother your dad.  How aweful is that?  Consider from your dad’s point of view that he has been excluded in MAJOR family events by your uncle.  Now that the shoe is on the other foot, your dad probably feels justified (and gratified) at being able to tell your uncle to piss off.

Post # 12
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

Many families are estranged and while many family members may think they know all the ifs ands or whys, in reality, only the actual people involved truly know why they no longer speak. As is said, there’s always three sides to every story…yours, mine and the truth.

Your Father and his brother seem to have no need to have each other in their lives, but have not prevented (nor should they try) to make any other family mambers take sides. Their parents, I’m sure, would just love to have all their family together for all special occasions, but their children are grown adults who make their own decisions. That’s how it should be. While they may be hurt that their family no longer functions fully as one, they should probably know by now that the harder they push your Dad the harder he will resist. As an adult, he has the right to either forgive and forget or to let this relationship go and exclude those who have no place in his life.

We didn’t invite anyone to any wedding if there was a possibility that there would be problems with them being there, or if they weren’t on good terms with anyone who’d be there, or who weren’t coming for the right reasons. Your Uncle did what made him the most comfortable with regard to his childrens’ weddings, so I’m not sure why he would expect to be invited to your wedding?

Surround yourself with those people who love you the most……..and I guarantee in the excitement of the day you’ll know you made the right choice.

Post # 14
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My Fiance has a family situation similar to yours; it has been really hard on him to figure out exactly how to handle them with regard to the wedding.  I hope that you are able to figure out a way to do this that does not add any additional stress! Just remember that all of your family wants to celebrate this occasion with you, even if they are not quite sure how to do it.

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