Post # 1
Does anyone else have a relative or even multiple relatives who send off judgy vibes? Not just with wedding stuff, but everyday stuff too. In other words you tell them something (for example something you bought) and they ask lots of questions in that ‘tone’ or with a certain look.
I think my sister is mine, we have always had a bad relationship, especially since we still live together with our parents. Had a big blow up a couple of weeks ago and have been much better since, but the relationship isn’t where it should be, given that we are both in our twenties now. Anyway, there are times I can feel the ‘judgy’ vibes coming off her, like she is thinking ‘oh you’re not doing what I think you should be doing, I am right, you need to do it how I think you should. You aren’t doing that so you are wrong and I am judging you for it.’ For example, for my birthday recently I asked for an iphone 5s from my parents and a case, and my mum bought her (mum) and I both iphones and cases. My sister was asking all these things like ‘why, how much was it, everyone in the family is contributing right?’ and said things like ‘they never bought me such an expensive birthday present before, they did give me a macbook pro a couple of years ago, but that was for Christmas, not birthday and was also for high school graduation’. Kind of ruined my excitement there about my new phone sis!
Then just today, after I had taken up the groceries and put a couple of things away, my sister and I usually just carry things up and mum puts them away (if she was the one shopping), my sister had come up with some bags and said ‘are you done? aren’t you putting anything away?’, I pointed out we usually don’t and kept walking. I could feel the judgement and negativity coming at me haha.
Anyone else had a relative like this?
Post # 2
My sister! Ha! We can not live together we argue but we get along really well most of the time when we only see each other every week or two!
Post # 3
I think she has a point about the groceries. I don’t see that as judgemental, just trying to help out your parents who seem to help you out quite a bit.
Post # 4
MrsWBS: Yeah I agree with that, I was just using it as an example of her being a family member who judges me and how she does. Do you have any stories to share? 🙂
Post # 5
Neither of those comments seem like a big deal to me… I think it’s nice of your sister to want to help your parents out with groceries and to be a bit taken aback by an expensive gift…
I don’t understand why you’re arguing over such petty stuff in your 20s.. sorry 😀
Post # 6
Jacqui90: nope. I’m not overly concerned with others opinions on the things i do at this point in my life.
to add, everyone judges. Whether it be positive or negative judgements we make. It’s how we make decisions about the world around us. I dont see it as an inherently bad thing.
Post # 7
…it kinda sounds like you already have it in your head that your sister has issues with you, so you’re looking for a depper meaning in her comments that just isn’t there.
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
I moved out of my parents house at 18 (my little brother was 10); I’m 27 now and have never looked back. So no, no one judges me…
I do judge some of my idiot relatives though! Like the ones that are younger than me, have 5 kids they can’t support, and are living in my grandparents’ properties for free. When they can’t pay rent but can buy a new tattoo gun and puppy, I judge.
Post # 9
As an adult, I wouldn’t ever ask my parents for such an expensive gift – even if I lived with them. So I would definitely be a bit shocked and gracious about receiving something so expensive. Also, the grocery thing doesn’t seem like such a big deal, she just sounds like she’s trying to encourage you to contribute to the household and do normal adult things. TBH I still help my parents put away groceries sometimes and I don’t even live with them aha.
Obviously these things feel super judgemental to you, but I doubt she’s going to change. Probably the best way to eliminate these feelings of judgement is to try to see her actions from a different perspective (: If you’re used to always feeling judged by her then you’re automatically going to assume that’s what she’s doing all of the time. I’m sure you’ll be much happier if you try to look at situations in a more positive light and maybe if you don’t feel so defensive all the time then it’ll be easier to have a civil relationship with your sister.
To answer your question, I never really feel judged by anyone in my family. If I do, it’s from people in my family that I don’t see very often and always about little things or things that they’re assuming about me/my Darling Husband.
Post # 10
Jacqui90: My MOM!!! Take heed, future moms, back off! I think she still treats me like I’m 10. I get it, you were in control of my life for quite a long time and so it’s a habit, but c’mon! And now she’s getting older so she’s waaaay losing her filter. I posted this before so forgive me if you read this, but her wedding judgments were: “why don’t you just use your last ring?” (I was previously married) and “I think you are way beyond wearing a white dress” lol!! I wore a long white dress anyway. Booyah! And she never, ever, ever, ever likes my hair. Ever. Just zip it, mom.
Post # 11
RedHeadKel: Lol she asked why you weren’t using your previous wedding ring?! That’s nuts, oh and thank you for posting a story of your own rather than just responding to mine like many PPs did!
Post # 12
Do you seriously expect that no one will respond to the content of your post when you write a novel? If you only wanted stories, then just ask people “do you ever feel judged? Tell me a story when you felt you were judged…”
Post # 13
Jacqui90: no, because I don’t allow family members to be privy to my personal life choices or daily habits. Given that i have displayed i can live well on my own, My family now sees me as an independent adult about whom it would be inappropriate to pass judgment on personal choices, big or small, and accept and respect me for who I am.
This is why it’s generally best to move out and move on once one reaches adulthood. If you don’t want your sister and whoever else all up in your business or judging your life and putting it under a magnifying glass…If you don’t enjoy petty arguments that sound more like the issues of a preteen than grown ass woman….do not create and perpetuate a lifestyle and situation that scaffolds exactly that. Problem solved.
Post # 14
Why don’t you move out and thereby eliminate or at least avoid the judgment? You’re in your 20’s; most people have moved on by that point.
Post # 15
DH’s grandma is pretty judgemental but not to your face. You’ll hear about it from somebody else a few days later. Fortunately, we only see her 1-2 times a year so it’s not that bad.
Also, I know you didn’t start this thread for people to comment on your story but when you give an example of feeling like your sister is judging you for not helping put the groceries away, I think it annoyed some people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her giving you the side eye because you refused to help put groceries away that your mum purchased. Shouldn’t you be glad to help your parents in any way, especially since you’re living there free of charge? Just because you usually don’t put stuff away doesn’t mean you can’t START. Sorry, I’m with your sister on this one.
Wait a minute, I think I remember you, don’t you also get an allowance of some sort? Why are they paying you an allowance if you aren’t helping do basic things?