(Closed) Family members that hate each other? Any stories/advice?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Well, if there is a restraining order you need to check on what it actually says. Some say that they cannot be within X feet of each other. If that is the case, you may not be able to take them both dress shopping with you. What if you took one dress shopping and the other when you go to have alterations made?

Post # 5
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Before you do any planning, I would ask step mother/ mother to look at it. After reading it to make sure no one is going to get in any legal trouble, tell them that you would like them both to be a part of this experience with you and that if anyone gets out of line you will ask them to leave.

Post # 6
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Well, as we say, there are consequences for one’s behavior. Their inability to behave themselves around each other means that each will have to miss out on some of the pre-wedding festivities. I think you try to make this fairly “equal,” so that no one feels that she’s getting left out of everything. So alternate dress shopping trips — and the one who isn’t there for the purchase gets a girls’ lunch and alterations.

Hopefully everyone can be cool about this, since they DO love you so much! But if one or the other starts to have a fit about this, it’s time for the “come to Jesus” talk — you and your Fiance love her, but the other one is also part of your life. You are not responsible for the bad blood between them, and that unfortunate reality is not going to be permitted to dominate the planning of YOUR wedding. And if she can’t deal with that and insists on making this process more stressful for you, then *she* will be cut from all the festivities in favor of the one who is NOT making trouble.

My qualifications: divorced and remarried mom, divorced and remarried siblings, FI’s aunts who had an EPIC falling-out a month before the wedding, causing a revision of the seating chart

Post # 8
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I can totally sympathize. I am not able to invite an entire “branch” of my family to the wedding because of a 50-year old feud. Luckily I am not very close to these people (because of the feud… lol) but it’s still kind of sad :(.

If I were you, I would have a heart-to-heart with each of them. If they truly are so excited about the festivities then they should be able to at least behave themselves at your events.

Post # 9
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

After reading the restraining order and making sure you won’t be violating it in any way (ask an attorney or police officer if you are not sure about what it says.)  I highly suggest sitting down with each mom separately and letting them know how you plan to address the issue.  This is the one time you get to say that it’s your wedding and your day so they have to play by your rules or they will end up getting left out and you really don’t want that to happen.

Your goal doesn’t have to be making them friends.  I think PPs’ ideas about separating the pre-wedding events and trying to divide them up as equally as possible is a good idea.  You may need to have two showers.  One with dad’s family hosted by the stepmom and one with mom’s family hosted by mom.  Seating them on opposite sides of the reception hall and in separate rows (maybe even separate sides if necessary) at the ceremony is highly recommended.  I would get some suggestions from your mom and stepmom on what they think needs to be done to make the separation more successful (other than telling the other one to stay home.)

Finally, there will be certain things that come down to tie-breaking and it really should go to the woman you feel is more your mom.  This is a touchy subject and will probably be an issue with whomever you choose.  But you need to be aware that there will be some things that necessitate picking one mom over the other and it’s important to warn them ahead of time so they can be prepared and better understand your choices and reasoning.  (For example, my mother helped me get ready the day of the wedding; it wasn’t even an option for my stepmom because my mother is my mother but I know some people are closer to their stepmoms.)

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