Post # 1
I’m curious about everyone’s opinion here.
I received a letter from a family member last night. We’re not particularly close, but he is my mother’s cousin, so he is invited to the wedding. He wrote me a letter saying “FYI my wifes last name is actually Smith, not Waterbury like mine. She actually is a Dr. if you are being formal. Which will you use from now on?”
Personally, I didn’t think the letter was written out rudely (he did congratulate us etc) but I thought the whole thing was a little “extra.” I’m all about women making their accomplishments known and had I known she had a doctorate, I would’ve written such… but I really don’t know this person. Also, he actually spelled my name wrong in the letter and has spelled it wrong my entire life lol.
My mom was offended by it and thinks she should’ve just gotten over it and not said anything (like I’m going to about my misspelled name). My fiance also thinks it is rude and they should’ve just said it politely next time we see them in person or called us to make sure the tone wasn’t off (though who knows when that will be).
My response is just going to be a polite facebook message back or letter back basically thanking them for the correction. I don’t have the headspace to give a shit. I personally don’t think it’s a huge deal.
Thoughts? What would you do in this situation?
Post # 2
You’re better than me, I wouldn’t even respond.
Post # 3
I think your simple reply is a good idea. I wouldn’t blame you for not acknowledging the letter, but your little note would be you taking the high road.
He’s not wrong for correcting, but I agree with you that it was a bit extra. Did he mail a letter or was it a Facebook note? Or was it a note included with their rsvp? I think mailing a hand written letter to correct you would be even more extra.
Post # 4
Hand written!!! That’s why I thought it was so extra lol. A simple fb message would’ve been fine. But he is on the older side so I try not to judge (though he does use Fb actively).
Post # 5
As a female physician who kept my own name after marriage, I think it’s nice that he is trying to support his wife by making her title and name known to his family members. It was direct, but that doesn’t make it rude. I don’t think you are obligated to reply. I would just make sure her placecard at the wedding has her proper name on it, etc.
Something similar but different happened to me with my wedding invitations. I was inviting a close friend of my husband’s family. I was only ever introduced to her by her first name (let’s call her Sara Beth). I had met her daughter once, who has a hyphenated last name (for example Katie Smith-Ryder). I addressed the invitation to Ms. Sara Beth Smith… well, I later received an email explaining that Smith was her ex-husband’s last name and her name was actually Sarabeth (no space) Ryder. I felt SO dumb for calling her by her ex’s last name (which she never took even when they were married!) but it was an honest mistake. I fixed her name on the guest list and everything was fine.
Post # 6
I don’t see the act of correction as rude, that line at the end about how will you address her is a bit smug but whatever. I’d just say something like “Please convey my apologies to Dr. Smith. While we’re clearing the air, my name is spelled XXXX. Hope to see you both at our wedding, thanks for touching base.”
Post # 7
I would probably spend a day debating whether or not to reply at all and then would send a quick message back, “Good to know, thanks!”
It didn’t really bother me until the “Which will you use from now on?” part. That made it feel like a bit of a scolding.
Post # 8
I’m with you 100%. That is exactly how I would respond.
Post # 9
I am also 100% on board with this reply.
Post # 10
Like, an actual paper letter in the mail? I would have thrown it in the trash. Sorry not sorry. I try my best to address people correctly of course, but shit happens.
If it was an email I’d go with kxbx’s response.
Post # 11
He was fine until “Which will you use from now on?” Totally unnecessary.
His “if you are being formal” leads me to believe he just want to make certain her place card is correct. Is he known for being rude? If not, I’d just let it go.
Post # 12
I wonder if by “which will you use from now on?” was directed at whether you’ll be taking your husband’s last name or keeping your own? Like he knows thats a thing and wants to use the correct way to address you in the future.
Post # 13
That’s an excellent point, the note could be read that way too. It changes the tone of the letter for me
Post # 14
Yup I think this is what he meant too! Keeblerelf928 :
Post # 15
yikes. We don’t currently have this drama, but we will soon. I know I might get some heat for what I’m about to wrote, but it’s just our opinion.
Fiance’s parents Are both Medical doctors. Everyone refers to them as dr. So and so. My fiancé will be a doctor in a couple years. We will likely all refer to him as dr. So and so. My fiancé’s sister has a PHD in geology. As a family, we do not call her doctor. My fiancé refuses to call her doctor because he thinks it diminishes his parents and his own profession. I’m honestly indifferent. I wouldn’t want my friends and family calling me Master Lolac just because of a degree.
I noticed that you mentioned your mom’s cousin’s wife has a doctorate. It was clear if she had an MD or a PhD, but I assume PhD given that she was immediately referred to as doctor.
only wanted to ask if you have experienced the distinction in a family setting and how you would go about it.