Family name debacles

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Hostess
2882 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah, you’re a better person than me, too. I’d make sure the placard was correct, and if I replied I’d address it appropriately, but I’d be the petty one who makes sure to say something like “btw, since we’re on the topic of name correction, I’m actually JENNIFER, not GINNIFER”. 

Post # 17
Member
11392 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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kxbx :  👏🏼Perfect. 

Post # 18
Member
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

PPs made a good point that he was probably asking which name YOU will be using after the wedding. He’s already corrected you as to what his wifes name is and pointed out that she is a doctor, I don’t think he’s really giving you the option as to what you’re going to call her moving forward.

Post # 19
Member
11392 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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Keeblerelf928 :  I interpreted it this was as well, like he was trying to gracefully segue into knowing this is an issue for all women.

Personally I think it’s sweet, since I’m sure she worked her butt off for that. However, I’d be embarrassed if Fi did this on my behalf, precisely because of how it’s being taken here. Correcting people is tough.  

Post # 20
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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lolac :  I have heard that in traditional etiquette a physician is called Dr. socially as it’s considered a social title and a PhD is an academic title so they are not called Dr. socially. I have many friends who are physicians and several who have PhDs, and I refer to them all as Dr. when I’m addressing letters to them, because I would never want to insult my PhD friends by insinuating that my degree (MD) is more important or impressive than theirs. I do understand that that may not align with traditional ettiquette though. 

Post # 21
Member
614 posts
Busy bee

Ah! A lesson in the importance of clear written communication. If he did mean to say “which (name) will you be using from now on?” it seem less obnoxious.

Still, I would never feel compelled to correct a family letter via written letter about my spouse’s name, but I’m also the person who has let my mom pronounce the word “genre” wrong for a decade because I hate correcting people so much. Tricky. I’d thank him for clarifying and then make sure it’s correct on her place card.

Post # 22
Member
13241 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think he was asking about your preferences at the end there, so he knows how to address you in the future. 

The letter was still a bit much. All they had to do was RSVP with his wife’s correct title and spelling. Done. 

On your end, though, if you were not sure, you should have checked rather than assume. 

Post # 23
Member
931 posts
Busy bee

Letters kind of overtop and idk why he needs to know what you’ll be using in the future?

I like your planned Facebook reply but I would add a “p.s. since we’re on the subject, my name is actually spelled _______” because I wouldn’t be able to pass up the irony that he’s correcting you on his wife’s name but got your name wrong

Post # 24
Member
2307 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

don’t respond

 

Post # 25
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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kxbx :  Agree. Be courteous but be sure to correct him on yours! The fact that he got yours wrong makes the whole thing a little hilarious!

Post # 26
Member
9086 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Well in this day and again no-one should be getting someone else’s name wrong with this kind of thing. Unless they live off the grid entirely we have the internet (email, facebook etc) and mobile (cell) phones which can help us in getting someone’s name correct. It takes five seconds and a couple of clicks to find the name of a spouse on fb, even if settings are set to private.

I don’t think it was rude of him to send the correction. My husband and I both correct people when they call me Mrs Hislastname. Because that isn’t my name. 

Post # 27
Member
5002 posts
Bee Keeper

I didn’t read the letter as rude at all.  It isn’t rude to politely correct people’s mistakes.  It is probably annoying af to have people make assumptions and he was quite polite when he could have been an asshole about it.  I think just changing it on the rsvp would have been passive aggressive rather than communicating directly like he did.  And my guess is he just wanted to make sure if there were placecards they had her name correct (hence the comment about formality).

I also took his last question to mean he was inquiring what name OP would be using after marriage.  If so, he was being polite.  People make so many assumptions (like OP) about whether a woman changes her name and simply asking what someone prefers to be called or will go by is pretty standard.

Post # 28
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I agree with PP that while clumsily written, he was likely asking you what your name will be after the wedding.  It doesn’t make sense to ask you which name for his wife you will be using from now on, since you only have the one option.  I wouldn’t take it the wrong way because he used a letter instead of facebook or email – he may just be used to writing letters and did not see it as an overly formal method of communication.  I would write back (electronically if you prefer) thanking him for the clarification and letting him know what your choosing for your name. 

I have a distant relative who I invited to our wedding.  She’s married however a quick facebook search confirmed that she had retained her own surname so I addressed it as Ms Jane Doe.  She wrote me a scathing facebook message about how she should be addressed as Doctor.  She’s a doctor in Sociology – how on earth was I supposed to know that?  I would have been fine with a polite correction but she ranted about feminism and how hard she’s studied etc. which I thought was completely unecessary. 

Post # 29
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

I can see how reading the tone of this message is a little weird, but I agree with PPs in that I don’t think he was being rude–tbh, a polite (handwritten, so you know he took the time to do it well) letter is really the nicest way to go about this correction. Also agree that he was asking OP what she would do in the future for her name change or lack thereof.

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elleleigh :  I don’t think it’s extra, I think he’s just old-fashioned. Either way, kudos to you for keeping chill about it all. Congrats on the upcoming wedding!

Post # 30
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

It’s totally fine for them to let you know which name she goes by. How are you supposed to know otherwise?? I thought the last line was pretty weird and combative, but then a PP pointed out that he may be asking which name you are going to be using. In which case that is also a polite question and it’s nice that he doesn’t assume you’ll be changing yours. 

Just respond something like ‘thanks for letting me know, I’ll be sure to use Dr Smith from now on. I will be going by X name”. 

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