(Closed) Family relative not invited, but we are. How do we handle it?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Depending on what the falling out was about would I even consider it. Also to take in consideration is your BF’s closeness to said cousin. If they were like brothers growing up for instance.

 

Post # 4
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I think we would go so as to remain neutral. I would not want to carry the feud down to his generation and not going may come off as a personal attack. I think it is best to talk to his dad and make sure he is not going to take it personal if you go but let him know you also want no part of this argument and would like to go to show that. Clearly this is a conversation Fiance needs to lead and a decision he needs to be okay with but I generally don’T like to get in the middle of family feuds.

Post # 5
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

I’d go, but tell your boyfriend’s dad about it and say you wish that there wasn’t the argument but that you don’t want to get in the middle and alienate anyone.  If he’s very uncomfortable about it, then it might be more polite to stay with someone else or in a hotel while you’re there for the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I would talk with your boyfriend’s dad and see how he feels, but I would also try to explain to him that his fight with his sister should mean that your boyfriend cuts off all contact with his cousin.  Depending on what the fight was about and whether your boyfriend’s dad would be terrible hurt by your attending or would understand, I think I would try to go.  You aren’t going to support the aunt, you’re going for the cousin.

Post # 7
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would think it would be okay for you to go; in my opinion this is a chance for an ambassador type role – don’t let the feud continue into the next generation!

I do agree that talking to your Future Father-In-Law (future father in law) is a good idea (or have your Fiance do it probably), so he knows what’s going on. Who knows, maybe they’ll send a car with well wishes along with you and it can start the road to healing…

Post # 8
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

For me the question hinges on the relationship between the cousin and your fiance.  Are they at all close, or is the primary relationship between Fiance and the aunt, or is Fiance not close to any of the family and relates to them through his dad?  Because if he’s close to the cousin, then he can say to his dad, I’m sorry you two aren’t getting along, but I want to support Cousin and it’s not about our parents.  And he could even talk to the cousin about not letting the supposed grownups take their argument out on other people.  If this isn’t the case, then, really, I don’t have any good advice.  Sorry! 

Post # 9
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I really think you should go, because the falling out did not happen between your Boyfriend or Best Friend and his cousin, so there’s no reason that they should carry it on.  It’s important for future family unity that this generation not shoulder that burden.  Your Boyfriend or Best Friend should speak to his dad, and let him know that you guys are going to support the cousin, not as an insult to dad, and hopefully dad will understand.  If he’s upset, you should probably stay elsewhere when you go for the wedding.  Good luck!

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