(Closed) Family says I can’t have a shower.

posted 8 years ago in Parties
Post # 137
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@bsig: Me and Fiance have already been through two deployments, probably three before getting married. Why? Because we wanted to get married for the in front of friends and family for right reasons. Is it taking longer than thought because of the military schedule? Sure. But I’m not going to let my parents not be there with all the pride they deserve when I actually get married.  Sorry it would be totally fake and anticlimatic for me to do it the legal way first and then have a big wedding.

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@HeatherMM:  Sorry, for your medical issues, but I’ve been single up to this point and have never gone one day without insurance whether it was individually bought or through my job or cobra. I’m not going to compromise an important part of my life for something that I should already be taking care of.

Post # 138
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@Treeline:  

That’s great that you were able to keep yourself insured, but not everyone can afford to do so. I’ve looked into getting myself insurance many times and with my pre-existing conditions, it’s way more than I can afford right now. I get that for you it would make your wedding day less special if you were to get married ahead of time, but not everyone feels that way. I know you probably weren’t trying to sound rude before, but everyone’s situation is different and saying it’s sad when people do it legally ahead of time just came off as really judgemental.

Post # 139
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

*sings* Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends?

It got REALLY serious here. Wow. I was surprised to see this thread pop back up on the main board and even more surprised to see all the comments. Here. I’ll try to lighten the mood with a corny joke.

What kind of cheese isn’t your cheese?

 

 

Give up?

 

Nacho cheese!

 

hahah ha…ha……ha………

*leaves discussion*

Post # 140
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@HeatherMM:  I am always going to find it sad when people turn marriage into some kind of business transaction.

Post # 141
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Marriage is just supposed to mean more than that. It just feels yucky.

Post # 142
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@Treeline:  

Marriage means a lot to us too and if we do choose to get married legally this year, it won’t make our ceremony next year mean any less. It may seem like a business transaction to you and probably a few others on here, but I see it as my fiancé wanting to take care of me and make sure I’m healthy at all times. As I said earlier, it’s a lot easier to judge what other people do when it’s not your health in question. It’s not as though a wedding wasn’t already planned and we’re not getting married anyway. I would consider a wedding for the purpose of getting someone you don’t want to be married to citizenship or insurance a business transaction. Two people who are already planning a marriage are not cheating the system. If we were having our wedding in a couple of months like we planned and a courthouse ceremony was never a plan for us, I’d still feel the same. Whatever works best for people is no one else’s place to judge.

Post # 143
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I wouldn’t attend a shower after someone was legally married for an entire year. It’s gift grabbing and I can’t see any way around it. If you want to have a party, then that’s fine, but a shower is basically a party where you expect gifts. If you elope you give up the shower. That’s one of the consequences.

Post # 144
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’ve 8 years married (just for civil law) , my church ceremony-big party is this december , after reading all the opinions about civil marrige and months or year(s) later have a chuch ceremony and big party with all your family is called vow renewal , farce or not wedding at all , I’m really surprised b/c we aren’t gonig to married under the civil law again for calling vow renewal, farce? let me laugh lol b/c now it’s under god law it can’t be called farce ,  but I understand it’s something cultural ,each country had their own ettiquete rules and  traditions. Were I come from a civil marriage is not important; the church ceremony it’s the most important for the people ,we’re not “good” married until we’ve the church ceremony.

Post # 145
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@Treeline:  The legal side of marriage is a business transaction. If you don’t believe me, just ask anyone who has ever gotten a divorce. I understand that there are larger religious and personal commitments in marriage, but I think it is foolish to ignore the legal, business end of the deal. In my opinion, far too many people do. You should make sure that you get married at a time that makes sense logistically as well as emotionally, and, for some people, that means going to the JOP then having the religious family celebration later. Also, it is not gaming the system. It is following the rules of the system exactly the way the system laid them out. Just because you don’t like the way the legal side of marriage is set up doesn’t make it a game or scam. 

Post # 146
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@Treeline:  I’m always going to find it sad when people judge me for a decision that I’ve made when they’ve never actually been in my position. You say I’m ‘gaming the system’ because I’m choosing to marry my Fiance in a civil ceremony before our actual wedding due to immigration reasons? Do you care to explain how that is so wrong – because right now I feel like you’re just running your mouth. 

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@obsessivebee:  Well said! 

Post # 147
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@Treeline:  Well, it can also be “yucky” to be separated for legal reasons, as well as “yucky” to be in a committed relationship where the end point is marriage and not have insurance in case of illness or injury. Marriage itself also has some yucky-poo poo realities, like having to hash out combined finances and family dynamics. I still don’t agree with the original question, but yeah. Practicality doesn’t mean someone’s marriage doesn’t “mean as much” as someone who chose a different way, come on now.

Post # 148
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Basically some people are getting married early so they can have all the benefits of marriage and then acting unmarried so you can have another ‘wedding’ later at a more convenient time. 

Some people have a commitment ceremony instead of a wedding so they can continue to recieve benefits from a previous marriage.

I don’t know, all of these things sound really close to an ethical line I wouldn’t want to cross. It’s fine not to agree with me but I don’t think I’m going to change my mind and think these kind of things are alright.

Post # 149
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think all this back & forth is really moot. The OP’s family does not agree with her having a shower, so clearly it’s not appropriate in her social circle. To all those in similar situations: if your family/friends offer a shower- great, they share your views on the “2 wedding” situations. If you’re getting resistance, then it’s not acceptable in your group to have a shower, and, unfortunately, your views on whether or not you are entitled to pre-wedding events don’t matter.

Post # 150
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@Treeline:  The only ‘benefit’ that I will be getting is that my Fiance will be allowed to stay and live in the same country as me four to six months sooner than he would otherwise. WHAT THE HELL IS SO WRONG WITH THAT? SERIOUSLY? Please explain!

I have a solution for you though. You don’t like the idea of what you’re referring to as ‘fake weddings?’ Fine – then don’t bloody have one and/or go to one, problem solved! 

Post # 151
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think if a friend or co-worker wants to throw you a shower then I see no harm in letting them.  However, I personally wouldn’t throw myself a shower.  I was in your shoes 2 years ago and didn’t have any of the normal wedding parties between my legal ceremony and the family/religious ceremony.

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