(Closed) Family slighted.. Gift Ettiquette?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Personally I find inviting people to only parts of the wedding to be very poor taste. I would skip everything and not send a gift.

Post # 3
9443 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would not attend at all and I would not send a gift.

Post # 4
459 posts
Helper bee

Wouldnt attend and forget the gift.

Post # 7
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

“my family came to realize that she picked and chose who in each family got an invite to the reception or the wedding and dinner.”

Well, its an invitation, not a civil rights case so it doesn’t have to be applied equally. If she is close to someone she should invite them even if she is not close to their sibling. 

Nothing in etiquette requires you to get a gift for an event you do not attend. 

Being invited to part of an event would annoy me, but I’m told in some countries that’s how its done. 

Post # 8
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I don’t think a gift should be a must just because you were invited. Just don’t go if you don’t feel right about it, and don’t give a gift. 

Post # 9
13558 posts
Honey Beekeeper

A gift is always voluntary, but I can’t imagine attending any part of the wedding, whether ceremony or reception, without giving a gift. If you’re not moved to celebrate the couple, just don’t go. 

For their part, the favoritism is bound to cause hurt feelings. They obviously are willing to live with that. 

Post # 10
30391 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

As wedding maven stated, a gift is never required, nor should your decision, whether to gift or not, be based on how your siblings were treated. If it pains you to send a gift, send a nice card with your heartfelt best wishes.

Post # 11
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I wasn’t invited to my cousin’s ceremony but some were. I didn’t have any hard feelings about it because even though I love my cousin I’d never actually met his wife and they’d been together for years. I don’t have a problem with couples having parts of it smaller that other parts. They wanted a more intimate ceremony and a bigger reception NBD to me, it’s their wedding. She clearly feels closer to you than your siblings so, especially since the food part is the expensive part, probably had to make cuts somewhere. She probably didn’t want to totally not invite them and totally spurn them but had to draw a line somewhere. Unless you have heard from her that she’s trying to cause drama with it I don’t know why you would assume it. Sounds like you’re not close with the other side so maybe some of them didn’t get a full invite either. Even if that isn’t the case, if she’s closer, she’s closer. I originally thought I couldn’t make it to my cousin’s wedding and sent a check with the regrets, later my aunt called and offered me her home so I could afford the trip so I went. A gift is voluntary if you don’t go so that’s totally up to you. Maybe I’m reading the situation totally wrong not knowing the history but my reaction would be giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Post # 12
7224 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree with julies1949- send a card!

Post # 13
4766 posts
Honey bee

I don’t give gifts to weddings I don’t attend.  Simply receiving an invitation to a party does not necessitate a gift.  Otherwise why wouldn’t people just send invitations to literally every person they have ever been acquainted with and just rake in the gifts?

If you are aren’t attending, then simply send your regrets with a nice congratulations card wishing them well.

Post # 14
595 posts
Busy bee

Am invitation does not equal a gift. You definitely don’t have to get  gift for a wedding you’re not attending. 

Post # 15
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’ve never heard of anyone dividing invites between the ceremony, reception, and dinner. I’ve heard of distant acquaintances inviting people to the ceremony and not reception for financial reasons, but I find that to be in poor taste. If you are asking someone to travel, prep for, attend your ceremony, and obviously give a gift, you should feed them dinner. I just think guests should either be invited or not. I wouldn’t feel obligated to attend or give a gift. I would only feel obligated to give at least a small gift if you do decide to go. Otherwise, it’s completely voluntary in my opinion. I have to ask though- how do people word this on the invitation, when only inviting someone to a certain portion? I can’t see this being done in an appropriate or tactful way.   

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