(Closed) Family sometimes aren’t really family.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
39 posts
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Ka393: That does sound like a really difficult situation. From the sounds of it perhaps you’re better off not having her at the wedding as she doesnt seem like she really deserves to be there.

Try not to worry about what other people think… its not about your sister on your wedding day, its about you and your fiance. I really hope it all goes well and there are no other dramas.

Wishing you all the best Smile

Post # 4
2262 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m so sorry that your dealing with all this extra stress. It sounds like your sister needs to mature and appreciate her family more. I know you already tried to mend things between you, but maybe its best that she doesn’t attend, at least for your own & FI’s sake. This way you know you will only be sourrounded by people that love & support the two of you.

As for your family that won’t be there, I’m sure that your Grandma & other members will probably be wishing you guys the best, instead of falling for your sister’s attention grab.

I really do wish everything works out for the best & that maybe someday your relationship can at least become a civil one 🙂

Post # 5
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Im sorry. This seems like a really stressful situation. FIs brother pulls similar stuff, and we have just gotten to the point that we ignore his behavior. I hope that you are able to have a relationship with your sister someday.

Post # 6
36 posts
  • Wedding: July 2011

I just posted very similar sister-stuff in “My Vent”… I am 50 and my sister is 52.  This has been going on for at least 10 years (probably longer, but I finally noticed that I’m the one making all the effort.)

I’m also trying to let go and just let her be the person she wants to be.  She’s pretty much told me that her friends and fun are her priority (in context that it didn’t include me.) 

I finally completely lost my temper with her over my regular holiday luncheon (which she had declined to attend, but changed her mind at the last minute when I posted my menu and recipes on facebook…including $25/lb Chilean Sea Bass.)  She treats the meal like fast food before her actual plans, disrupts our gift-exchange with my Future Mother-In-Law, talks my niece and her boyfriend into leaving right after dinner (in terms of going to have actual fun)… then later criticizes our Mother who is usually just kind of quiet at gatherings like this.  No big whoop, ya know?

Anyway, I apologized for the language I used.  But feel I was right in taking up for our Mother.  My sister didn’t need to “have a talk with her” about her behavior… Mother’s behavior wasn’t rude or inappropriate, my sister’s was.

Anyway, wedding plans (which she’s also declined attending) has refreshed this and other past resentments… she’s a taker and if you google “Narcissistic Disorder”, you will get a very good picture of the type of person she is.  If your sister shows similar traits, you may also find information on how to deal with this personality disorder.  The general advice it to not try to get involved with them; there is only one person in the relationship: HER.  There is no compromise or exchange.

Anyway, I’m also trying to just let go.  Because she is your sister, I’d still say be open to any possibility of reconciliation.  I don’t exactly regret the years I’ve spent trying to accomodate her selfishness… it was the right thing to do for a sibling.  It was wasted time, but still the right thing to do on my part.  I’m not responsible for her behavior, only my own.

I don’t intend to give her any more money or materialistic things (she’s only shown up in my life for hand-outs.) If she wants a relationship with me, it will be with me… not with what she can get from me.

It may take getting really really ticked off and angry, but learn to set boundaries as soon as you can.  You teach other people how to treat you by what you let them repeatedly do to you.  You can be a true friend/sibling by holding your ground and respecting them when they behave respectably… But don’t accomodate their truly disfunctional behavior… 

It’s really hard to get over a half-a-lifetime of being treated like the crud UNDER the doormat by one’s own sibling.

Post # 7
36 posts
  • Wedding: July 2011

@fauxtoegraft:… and finally realize how you enabled the behavior all along…  

Post # 8
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Ka393: Dear, I’m sorry your sister is behaving this way… but she’s burning the bridge. I know it’s difficult not to worry about how it effects your family, but that’s not a burden you should have to bear. It isn’t your fault, or anyone elses, save your sister. Every family has that “black sheep”. Lol, mine has several. Some people just aren’t easy to love, though I don’t doubt, that no matter how hurt or dissapointed you and your family are, you will all still love her. I hope that, no matter what happens between your sister and the family, that things work out for the best.

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