Family Stones–how do you navigate?

posted 1 year ago in Rings
  • poll: His stone or yours?

    His

    Yours

  • Post # 2
    Member
    5640 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Have you actually been offered a stone?

    If you have been offered and want to know more details I would say that whoever has the relationship should ask to see it.  If his grandmother has offered him a stone surely it is easy for him to say “wow thanks I would love to see it and see if it suits what I had in mind for Girlfriend.”

    If you haven’t been offered it then I wouldn’t ask. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    5127 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Generally the stone needs to be offered. My son has been dating his girlfriend for a long time, she’s part of the family, we all love her and she’s a beautiful kid inside and out. He’s away in med school and will have no money for a ring when he gets out so I have offered my antique cushion ring to them and they’re good with that. But it would be kind of weird if they’d asked for it. To be honest, if I didnt like the girlfriend I dont know if I would have offered. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    9127 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

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    brideonthedancefloor :  I wouldn’t worry too much about “saving” a stone for someone else. Grandma gets to decide who she offers it to and if she’d rather it go to his sister then that is who she will give it to. Decades ago my mom did her will and made a comment that I was getting her big diamond ring. My late sister was pisssssed and thought it wasn’t fair since she’s older and my mom flat out said “tough shit it’s my ring and I pick her, I left you all the other jewelry to make up for it”. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    5015 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Well, PP’s are correct in that a stone is offered, not requested.  So do you have two separate people, one from each of your families, offering a stone for you to use and you’re just trying to decide which one?  When you say specs, are you talking about just general shape and size because you know nothing about it and have never seen it, or you’re talking about the actual full-blown specs? 

    If it’s the former, then ask pretty much exactly as zzar45 suggested.

    If it’s the latter, then I guess I’m of the mindframe that specs beyond general shape/size/condition don’t much factor in on heirloom stones.  You’re either a) choosing it because of the sentimentality of it being an heirloom, or b) choosing it because you can’t afford other options and in that case beggars can’t be choosers and it’s a bit crass to ask beyond the generals.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1653 posts
    Bumble bee

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    brideonthedancefloor :  Another thing to consider is that usually family stones come with strings. Depending on the specs, it may not be worth the trouble, especially if your main concern is cost savings.

    Post # 7
    Member
    10102 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

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    brideonthedancefloor :  

    Unless and until the grandmother(s) actually show the ring and offer it to you outright l don’t feel it is right to ask anything about it. Particularly not specs etc, as if you were buying the thing. 

    If one offers but not the other, you can hardly say, oh lovely but you just hang on to it till we’ve seen grandma x’s which we might like better.

    Frankly, l’d put it out of mind until you really are offered it/them. Certainly don’t ask for or about either. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    2002 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    View original reply
    brideonthedancefloor :  I might have an unpopular opinion but I think family comes before a future in law when it comes to family jewelry.

    Using your boyfriend as an example, if his family have any stones for engagement rings his sister should have first pick because it’s her actual parents or grandparents jewelry. If there are any male wedding bands available than your boyfriend should get first pick before they were offered to his sisters future husband. That make sense? I would be very upset if my parents gave one of my mothers diamonds or grandmothers diamonds to a sister in law and not to me. I would want first pick. I also wouldn’t ever want to offer a wedding band that was my grandpas to my husband to use if my brother wanted it. I feel that’s pretty fair. 

    When it comes to things like this you just have to have a discussion on either side and discuss together. You would talk to your family about what’s available and so would he. You would then talk about the options and what they are and decide which you want to request to use. Then you can discuss re purposing the stones into a new ring. I was lucky that my mom gave me my grandmothers diamond ring when I turned 30 and so that was what my husband used when he proposed after we discussed it and agreed to use it. I would love to have my daughter someday use it, or use my moms diamond some day when she gets engaged. 

    regardless I do firmly believe that if you do use a family stone and you end up divorcing you need to give it back to that family, or at the very least to the ex husband or wife to keep to give to your children if you had any. But I don’t think it is ever ok to keep a family ring/ stone if a divorce happens as those things are meant to keep passing on inside the family and are considered heirlooms. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    373 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2021

    Why not both? Assuming you’re offered stones from both sides. That’s what I did anyway. Bought the center sapphire, the larger diamond was my FMIL’s and the two smaller diamonds and the gold were from my mom.

    Post # 10
    Member
    6603 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Personally if I had the choice I’d use mine and honor my own family! 

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    brideonthedancefloor :  

    Post # 11
    Member
    6603 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Wow so cool!! 

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    soonzak :  

    Post # 12
    Member
    373 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2021

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    wrkbrk :  Thanks very much!

    Post # 13
    Member
    10557 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Does this mean I can’t marry into your family now? ☹️ 

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    sunburn :  

    Post # 14
    Member
    10557 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Dude that’s cool 

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    soonzak :  

    Post # 15
    Member
    5127 posts
    Bee Keeper

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    slomotion :  Lol. Marrying into this family might get you more than you bargained for. You’d have to learn how to keep all the relatives straight, and with a grandmother and aunt who’ve been married 4x that’s not easy. And you’d have to be perfectly calm when my 54 year old sister shows up with her latest 28 year old boyfriend. No laughing allowed.

     

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