(Closed) Family trouble already..

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It really sucks when parents can’t put their own emotions away for one day for their kid.  Your mom is being unreasonable and the worst part is she is taking it out on you and you’re the one that’s suffering the consequences.  I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.  I’d try to tell her how you feel and how you wnat her there, but in the end it is her choice and you can’t force her to be there.  Sorry and good luck

Post # 4
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You are not being unreasonable. They are adults, they should be able to sit in the same room at different tables & celebrate your marriage. The good thing is there’s plenty of time for her to a. learn to behave like a mature adult or b. for you to get use to the idea that she may not be there for you. At least you’ll have time so you’re not devasted on the day of. Tell her how you feel & then put your focus on your wedding plans. Congrats!

Post # 5
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

If you agree to be manipulated now, it won’t start and you’ll have MANY family events between the time you marry and the time you die. Do you want to go through this when you birth your first child? Christening? School programs? Baseball games or dance recitals?

If dad is paying for a chunk, he gets a +1. Call mom’s bluff on her messiness and then let her deal. Believe me. If she decides (foolishly) not to come, it’ll hurt her even more to know that her daughter is getting married and she’s sitting in front of her TV watching the Golden Girl reruns while her daughter probably looks even more beautiful than she ever has,

Post # 6
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You’re not being unreasonable. I can see why your mom has a hard time being around this women because your dad cheated with her, but she should be able to put that aside for one day to focus on you, their daughter. Unfortunately some people are not mature enough to be able to do that – I have an aunt who freaks out on her daughter anytime she dares to speak to her father. It’s awful putting the child in the middle like that, and your wedding day is not the right time for her to be addressing these issues or wanting you to dole out punishment on your father and this woman. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it. Being that the wedding is over a year away, I would go ahead and choose a reception venue that you can afford without her contribution, and then try not to worry about this for now – maybe your dad won’t even be seeing this woman a year from now and it won’t be an issue, or maybe your mom will have gotten a bit more used to the idea by then.

Post # 7
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

She has almost a year and a half to change her mind. I wouldn’t make too big a deal of it now, when she may dig in her heels and solidify her position. Just take a wait and see approach, people can adjust and grow a lot in that much time.

Post # 8
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

First of all, hugs! Parents being split up is difficult…whether its recent or happened a long time ago. I too have divorced parents so i understand the difficulty when planning this.

 

You should be a little understanding for your mom. Shes watching you start a marriage while hers is over. I know that sucks…its just the way it seems to be happening.

 

Here’s the part that get me though….you think your father should be allowed to bring his girlfriend because he’s paying, but are upset that your mother doesn’t want to be there for that same reason? Both of them are forcing your hand and personally….I would be upset with both but moreso because that my father wouldn’t think enough of me and MY wedding that he was putting me in this situation. As your parents, their job is to be there for you and act as appropriate hosts. If it were my wedding, I would tell them both to grow up. My mother to be there for me and share in my experience as her only daughter and my father to leave his girlfriend at home. Your wedding is not the place for him to “show” her oYour rub it in your moms face. This split up is still raw and there will be enough emotions running high that day. You and your other family members don’t need the additional drama of dealing with that. 

 

I know its a little harsh, and I dont want it to be, but the day is about you. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

@sariibear:  I do hope your mother changes her mind and I agree with all the other Bees that she is being unreasonable.  Particularly you being her only daughter.  My father didn’t attend my wedding to my husband (2 marriage) for really stupid reasons, but my mother did.  He regrets it to this day.

I can also understand the hurt your mother feels because it is still only relatively recently that they have divorced with the knowledge that this relationship your father had with this woman was established when she was still with him.  It is hurtful.

But, I am sure she will eventually realise that your wedding is important enough to deal with these feelings.  May I suggest:

1. talk to her about the seating plan NOW, and tell her that she will be placed on a table at the opposite end of the room to where your father will be seated.

2. ensure her that she will be seated with all of her family to give her support, and if she has a special friend (male or female) that she can invite them to sit beside her.

3. tell her what an important role she will be playing as the MOB, and that she will be the second most important woman at the reception after you.

4. tell her that you need her to be with you and support you at this important event.

5. involve her in the preparations and the selection of your dress.

If all this fails over the next year, they as one Bee said…. call her bluff and enjoy your wedding day.  Because some people just never get over it.

Post # 10
Member
3283 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

UGH, sorry, honey. Hugs.

 

My parents have been divorced since I was little, and they have still ruined any event they’ve been present at together for my whole life. I spent my college graduation hysterically sobbing in a car because of how awful they were.

 

So, um, a year and a half might not be long enough for them to chill out, I’m sorry. Hopefully your parents can put their bad blood aside for you, but in my experience, it is not possible (for my parents, that is).

 

My advice is to keep your expectations for your parents’ behavior as LOW as possible, and be explicitly clear if there are certain things you want them to do. For me, I want my mom to help me get into my dress, and I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. They could miss every single other event, and I won’t be disappointed, as long as they manage those two things.

 

PM me if you want to talk. I’ve got 25 years of divorced parents/events to give advice. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
917 posts
Busy bee

I’ve personally had this issue and watched my dad go through it too when my older brother decided to invite our mother to his wedding just over a year and a half ago. It’s hard to be around someone you trusted whole heartedly and they destroy that and seemingly get “away” with it. My mother is a piece of work and I told my brother that I would not be in any photos with her, my father advised the something, but my brother demanded at least one photo with the both of them in it. I feel for your mum, I honestly do, Advise your mum that you don’t expect her to speak with your father or his gf, and that they will be seated as far away from her as possible at the reception. Like another PP said, she has a year and 5 months to change her mind, but if you let her know what is expected of her as your mother then hopefully she’ll come around for you. 

Post # 12
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

It’s completely unreasonable.  I’m always floored by parents who can’t put their differences aside for major milestones for their children.  As if simply being in the same room with the “other woman” is going to cause your mother to break out in hives.  We all attend events where people we’re not crazy about are in attendance, and manage to survive without making a scene.

For this very reason, my son will never get to celebrate an event with all his grandparents at once.  Grandpa’s new wife can’t bear to meet Grandpa’s old wife.

I’m sorry this is happening, and I hope she’ll think better of it.  I think your mom is being really immature.

Post # 13
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@sariibear:  I’m sorry but to me your DAD is the one in the wrong. He’s an adulterer and wants the bring his mistress to a family event?

I would not be comfortable either.

Everyone saying your mom needs to be civil can say so because they have not been in her shoes.

Was your Dad cheating the reason the marriage broke up?

Post # 14
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

im in the minority here, but I don’t think your mom is being unreasonable. That woman tore her life apart and I can completely understand why she wouldnt want to be in the same room as her, with the entire family around nonethless. Your dad needs to leave his mistress at home. 

Post # 15
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You are not being unreasonable wanting your mother to share in the joy and happiness of your marriage. I would be really upset too, if my mother practically gave me the ultimatum: either dad’s gf not attending, or I am not attending. That is very selfish of her and, like you said, immature. It is not about your parent’s relationship, not about their divorce, and not about their drama…It’s about YOUR day and about you. Therefore, they should put their differences aside for just one day and be happy for you. If your dad is contributing to your wedding and you want him to help you out financially, I would absolutely invite his girlfriend. About your mother though, I would still give her time to come around. Your wedding is a year and a half away, she has plenty of time to change her mind!

Post # 16
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@sariibear:

Part of me wants to side with her and the other wants to side with you.

Sides with her: It’s probably still very fresh for her.  She’s still dealing with her anger.  

Sides with you: She should start getting use to the other woman because she might always be around.  Weddings are a one time event.

I suggest you just let her deal with this as she wishes.  If she comes and stays that’s great but if not than try to be understanding of what she’s going through.  Depending on the situation I don’t think you should take it out on your dad.  If he cheated on her 3 or more time than personally I wouldn’t be able to forgive him and I don’t think he should be there.  If he only cheated once or twice than we all make mistakes.

I think it’s best to just let her figure this out and try to be supportive of her choice no matter how hurt you might be.

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