(Closed) Family trouble already..

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@UltrasoundTech:  The only problem with that is that by the time the OP gets married, the ‘mistress’ may be her father’s new wife…

That happened to me, when I got married the second time.  My mother was a nightmare during my 1st wedding, and I knew my father would want to bring his new wife, the woman he left my mother for.  My solution?  None of them were invited to my wedding. 

In this particular situation, I wouldn’t accept money from either parent, make my own plans, review the situation when it comes to sending out invites, then decide how to proceed.  

Frankly, as someone who has had to deal with nearly 25 years of my mother’s bitterness and anger over her failed marriage,  I think the OP’s mother needs to get used to the idea that her ex’s new partner is going to be at family events.   I only wish I hadn’t succumbed to emotional blackmail 25 years ago…

Post # 18
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Aussiemum:  Perfect advice. +1.

Post # 19
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@UltrasoundTech:  It’s not a mistress, but seems to be a very serious g/f.

Post # 20
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Wow. Your parents BOTH need to grow up. The event is well over a year away and she’s already screaming that she won’t go?! Who is even to say that your father will still be with this woman in a year? If he was willing to cheat once… 

 

At present I think you should just tell both of them to not discuss one another with you. It’s THEIR problem and they’re forcing you to deal with it in a way that negatively impacts your life. Just keep planning your wedding (the fluctuation of 1 or 2 people on your proposed guest list won’t matter at this point) and hope that they calm themselves in the coming year. If they insist on acting like children I suggest calling in reinforcements, whether they be family or mental health professionals. You shouldn’t have to deal with this crap on your own.

 

Post # 21
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Atalanta:  she was the mistress.  The OP stated her dad started dating this woman when her parents were still together. 

 

I think your stuck. I get your Mom’s life was nuked and it takes time to get over that.  I think maybe if you give her some more time, you do have time until your wedding is here, she may be in a better place.  I think it stinks your dad is bringing his affair partner with him.   I say table this for awhile, and revisit.  Time seems to help out alot.  My sil had the same thing at her wedding, but her parent’s have been divorced for 15 years and her dad married the other woman 10 years ago.  Her mom wasn’t seeing anyone and had a great time with her family at the wedding.  Hang in there. 

Post # 22
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@HisIrishPrincess:  yes, keyword WAS.  Saying the dad should leave the mistress at home is way out of line.

Post # 23
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Atalanta:  I corrected you on one point of your post.  I never said he should leave her at home. 

 

Post # 24
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You are not being unreasonable. My dad tried to pull the same crap on me and it hurt. With time he came around and now intends to come to the wedding. But parent drama still sucks and I know that it will only be the first of many issue between my parents and my wedding that I will have to deal with. Best of luck to you.

Post # 25
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@HisIrishPrincess:  you should probably read the post I am replying to before you “correct” me. 

Post # 26
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Atalanta:  I did read the post…. even if she is the g/f she is still the other woman.   Have a plesant day. 

Post # 27
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Oh dear what a messy situation, I feel for you I really do as I am going through a very similar situation. My only advice is to invite both of them anyway to both parts of your wedding and if they decide to come then they will have to be civil and if they dont wish to come then at least YOU tried. You can’t force it and it will only make your stress double if you are trying to. 

My Future Sister-In-Law doesnt speak to her mum and her mum and dad have been divorced for 14 years (they still dont get on as he cheated on her with his now wife and has another child with this woman then she had a breakdown and both my Fiance and Future Sister-In-Law, went to live with their dad) Future Sister-In-Law has said she wont come if her mother is there but we would never not invite her and Future Mother-In-Law is saying she doesnt want to be near Future Father-In-Law its a mess but we ar going to invite all of them and let them choose, they are all adults and it is not up to me or Fiance to solve their problems and if they cant get over themselves for one day then hey its their loss.

Post # 28
Member
1781 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I understand your mom’s in a world of emotional misery right now, and I’m sure she wants nothing more than to claw BOTH their eyes out.  But sometimes, you need to put on the big girl pants, hold your head up and smile like you’re having the time of your life.  Your wedding is one of those times.  And it’s entirely possible that the ‘other woman’ will be your father’s new wife or fiance by the time your wedding comes around. 

Unfortunately, this is where precedent gets set.  If you allow your mother to dictate who your father can and cannot bring to events, this will not stop here.  It will continue for other family events – children’s birthday parties, recitals, etc.  Once you give in, you’re effectively saying that this behavior is appropriate and acceptable to you.

And to everyone passing judgement on the father and his girlfriend – none of us (including the OP) know what their marriage was like.  For all any of us know, her mom may have been a hateful shrew for decades.  Or she may have been a saint, we’ll never know.  The question is about the behavior NOW, and her mother’s inability to fake a smile for a few hours.

Post # 29
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP I think your father is being super disrespectful. There is no way I would let my father bring the woman he cheated on my mother with to my wedding. I’d tell my father to keep his money, she is not welcome. I would do the same if my mother had cheated on my father. This isn’t about your mother being unreasonable this is about your father and this woman and the role they both played in breaking up your family. Not sure why either of them thinks its ok on a day that is about family and respect its a good idea for her to be there. I’ve got to side with your mother on this one. 

 

Post # 30
Member
7414 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

First – HUGS! I totally get where you’re coming from.  My family is the same but i have my parents AND my grandparents who act like children – thankfully in my situation the wounds have healed a little and they’re a bit more willing to act like grown ups.

 

I understand that your mother is upset, and she has a right to be.  Your father should understand that bringing the new Girlfriend to the wedding is awkward.  We’re looking at something 18 months down the road.  A LOT can change in 18 months.  I wouldn’t worry too much about things right now.  Leave it alone, tell your mom you hope she changes her mind and leave it at that.  When  you get closer, a year from now, hopefully cooler heads will prevail and everyone will be able to get along. 

 

I know it completely sucks for you right now, the best thing you can do is proceed with the wedding you want to plan, don’t take sides – they’re your parents and always will be – and hopefully it will all be okay by the time your wedding is here.

Post # 31
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sariibear:  IMO your mom is not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t want to be in the same room as the OTHER woman either.  Think about your mom.  Just because your mom isn’t paying for the wedding doesn’t mean her feelings need to be ignored, she’s still your mom.

 

Is your dad insisting he take his gf? Because if he is, think about it…he is probably doing it just to spite your mom (I’m pretty sure he knows that makes her feel uncomfortable).  In that case you should have your dad keep his money and pay for your wedding yourself then you call the shots at YOUR wedding.  And invite whomever you want.

 

If I was in your situation, I would tell my dad to leave his lady wherever it is she lives.  I wouldn’t want someone who was the key reason for distroying my parents’ marriage to be at my wedding.  BUT you are the only one here that knows exactly how things went down so I’m not judging.

 

GOOD LUCK! I hope you all come to an agreement 🙂

 

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