(Closed) Family trouble already..

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 33
Member
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I suggest your mother start seeing a therapist. There should be no reason that a grown woman cannot control her emotions enough to be around her ex-husbands new girlfriend. Divorce is a fact of life, it sounds as though she needs help processing this.

Instead of allowing yourself to be manipulated or getting into the arguing and emotional stuff, sit your mother down and ask her if she would be open to speaking with someone about the problems she’s having with moving on. 

 

 

Post # 34
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@KSBlueyz:  

 

i agree with this.he needs to leave that woman home.your mom should not have to look at her or her with the man who left her for that woman.its your day you are their child and both your parents should put your needs first,it does not matter if your dad is paying alot towards your wedding.it will not kill him to leave her home for 5 hours for your wedding day.

its important to you that both of your parents be there which is why i wrote the above.

 also your wedding is a while away,alot can change,your dad may not be with this woman by then,your mom could be in a relationship and it will not bother her to be around that other woman for the day or your moms feelings could change were it wont bother her to see the other woman.i would not stress over anything until you are 6 months to your wedding day

 

i sure hope everything works out for you♥

Post # 35
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I might be in the minority but I’d tell my dad to leave that girl at home.  Moms more important than she is and that’s that.  I’d let him have a +1, just not her.  Their relationship started when your dad and mom were still together, just try to empathize with your mom a little bit, that is a lot of hurt and negativity that will come to your wedding because of that woman.

Post # 36
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

@sariibear:  This is a really awful position your parents have put you in. Personally, your mom should put aside any bitterness and resentment she has for your dad and go to your wedding because this is about you not him.

Secondly, your dad needs to leave the mistress at home. After what they did to your mom, she has no business being there and until this “other woman” has a rock on her finger she’s not family. Your dad can bring anyone: a friend, sibling, relative, etc. as his plus one. This day isn’t about him and if he had any respect for you or your mom he’d take someone else. You’re not asking him to dump her or never see her again but you can certainly ask him to leave her at home for 1 day out of his life to prevent hurt feelings and drama.

I think it’s incredibly selfish for him to have the audacity to bring this woman to your wedding. She broke up your parents’ marriage. I would be disgusted to have her there. I can’t even imagine being your mom and knowing that my daughter was getting married and my ex brought the woman he cheated on me with to my daughter’s wedding. I would feel so hurt knowing she got to share in such a special day. I feel for your mom but, ultimately, both your mom and dad need to put aside the b.s. and do what’s best for you.

ETA: If he is helping to pay for the wedding, it should be because he loves you not so he can have some leverage in feeling entitled to do whatever he wants. He should also respect whatever you decide, whether it should be to have her there or not. Perhaps, I’m being overly harsh but cheaters have no class and absolutely disgust me. If it was me, I wouldn’t even invite him to the wedding but it looks like you’re close with him and you should have your day exactly the way you want it. It’s about you not them!

 

Post # 37
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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@ClassicStarlight:  The other woman didn’t break up the marriage, it takes two to Tango.  The husband is just as much at fault as his mistress.  Under your value system neither of them should be there.

I am not condoning the actions of anyone, just pointing out that the other woman couldn’t break up the marriage without the husband participating. 

Marriages don’t breakup if both people are happy and content.  No one ever knows what goes on between two people and who are we to judge.

It is a very sad situation for the OP to be in and I feel very sorry for her.  Maybe she needs to sit down with her two parents in one room and talk this through.

Post # 38
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

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@Aussiemum:  What do you mean my value system? At the bottom, I did note that I wouldn’t want him there either. I’m not letting him off by any means. I said that cheaters disgust me. He’s more at fault than the other woman is. He broke his vows, his “girlfriend” did not but that doesn’t stop her from being a classless hussy. I take marriage vows/fidelity very seriously. No woman with any class would get involved with a married man. There’s a good chance both her mom and dad are at fault. I can’t imagine that the mom was 100% an angel in the marriage but they are her parents and this other woman is just that, the other woman. I don’t think she has a right to be there unless the OP truly wants her there.

Post # 39
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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@ClassicStarlight:  I meant no offence by saying ‘value system’ probably chose the wrong words.  I have been married for longer than I want to admit with children and 7 grandchildren.  I have an amazing husband…. but….

Friends of mine have divorced, some friends have had affairs, even my own father,  though he stayed with my mother until she passed away, there were a series of affairs.  Horrible things for my mom and I to deal with, we both wished he would just leave with one of those women.  But he didn’t because he was ‘doing his duty’ and my mum was not a strong woman and had to look after me – we were migrants and she had no support system.  The last affair he had was when I was 28 years old.  Enough is enough.

So I guess when I said, it takes two to tango, I said it from very personal experiences.  I am the only child and had to bear the brunt of both of my parents, it is life draining.  So under my ‘value system’ for want of a better word, it is better that each go their own way and be adult enough to work as a split family.

I honestly don’t support in any way ‘cheating’.

Post # 40
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

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@Aussiemum:  No worries. I didn’t think you meant to offend me; I just didn’t understand what you were saying by “value system.”Smile It’s difficult to interpret tone on the internet. I wasn’t angry or hurt more so than feeling passionate about the issue. I hope that clarifies.

I can’t even imagine being in that position, like you and your mom. I’m sure that was awful! With kids involved, I’m sure it would have been hard for your mom to pick up and leave him with no support or financial means of taking care of you.

I have a hard time with cheaters. Surprisingly, I’ve never been cheated on nor have my mom and dad ever cheated on each other, but when I hear stories of infidelity I take it to heart.

I understand no one is perfect in a marriage but the idea of trusting someone and then having them go behind your back with someone else really appalls me.

i hope the OP’s parents can put aside their own issues (regardless of what happens) and she can enjoy her day. Every woman deserves a day of complete happiness, excitement without other people’s issues getting in the way.

Post # 41
Member
311 posts
Helper bee

I would love to hear how things are going for you now, and how you handled things.   I have a similar situation, except that its my FI’s parents.  They’ve been divorced for 20+ years but still obsess over each other (more in their hatred and constant beratement of each other).  They are constantly bombarding us with comments, digs and questions about the other, their role in our wedding ect.  It’s exhausting!  FI’s Dad is bringing his long-term Girlfriend (nothing to do with their divorce) and we like her and she has been great to us, but we know there will be fireworks.   We’ve assured them both we will not make them sit together but they’re still already fixating on each other’s presence (this has been going on since we got engaged, and now we’re 3 months out from the wedding).  FI’s had several “talks” with each of them but they’re so blinded by their hatred for each other that they’re missing how much stress they’re putting on the family.

Post # 43
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would have a smaller wedding and tell dad leave the other woman home.  This is a celebration about marriage, with all that entials.  Faithfullness.  Taking one person.  How would you feel if YOUR fiance cheated?

I am appalled at the people who say, well mom had to be at fault too, based on no evidence. 

Yes, dad is just as guilty of having an affair, but dad is likely a lot of things to his kids, all the other woman is well, the woman who slept with her dad while he was married.

I hope you make it clear to dad that his Girlfriend is NOT to be accorded ANY parent of the bride status, and that while you prefer she not come, she will NOT be seated up front.  She will NOT get a corsage.  Her relataives will NOT be invited.  Her name will NOT go on program, etc.  Of couse, I doubt you will do any of this.  I wouldnt be surprised if your dad tells you 6 months from now, he wants OW’s name on invites, he wants OW to get a corsage, etc.   If I were your mom, I wouldnt pay for any of the wedding either.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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