(Closed) family update

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4284 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I never read your previous posts, I am a “newbee”… I think you are in a tough situation, not knowing what happened to cause all of this in the first place. I hope everything works out regardless if you talk to them again or not.

Post # 5
Member
7364 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If they would do something like what they did, I doubt they will ever realize that they were in the wrong.

Post # 7
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Have you explicitly explained why you were hurt? I find some people just don’t clue in until everything has been explained. 

Also, this might just be how they operate and butting into your lives is not a big deal to them. This is sort of the same thing with FI’s family & mine. His mom thinks she has say in things that are none of her business and it’s been a hard adjustment for me. I’ve learned to just ignore her. 

Post # 9
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I honestly think the letter would add more fuel to the fire. I would just continue on with your life as you have been. Until they contact the two of you, just let things be.

Post # 10
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

You’re in a really tough spot and the wound is still new. I think there are two ways of looking at this.

1) They could be extending an olive branch by wanting to drive out and see how (not sure how long of a drive it is, but the way you said “all the way” I’m going to assume it’s a fair distance). They sound like they want to talk and maybe patch things up. Previous history may show otherwise, but maybe separate that visit from this one. If they didn’t care, they wouldn’t want to drive out.

2) They truly don’t get it, will never get it, and want to convince you to come to the wedding.

At the end of the day, at some point all of you are going to have to agree to disagree. Are they not going to come to your wedding because of this? If you guys have kids, are they not going to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives? It sounds like you guys have had your ups and downs, but there’s a lot at stake here.

I had a falling out with my Father-In-Law and SMIL, and at the end of the day, it was the idea of our kids (down the road) that convinced us to patch it up with them. It felt weird to not have them in our lives, and weirder to think of all the future important moments that they would miss. It just didn’t seem fair. So we had an honest conversation and all agreed to move on.

Post # 12
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I went back through your threads to see if I could offer anything and… yeah… there’s just a whooooole lotta crazy there.

*hugs* :

 

I wasn’t clear from the other posts, though – it sounded like you were good with the rest of the family, and on others, that the wierdness was throughout the family. Is that any better? Are you good with FBIL/FSIL (the ones who just got married) & co?

 

ETA: Thinking about it a little more, I would strongly advise against written communication if you’ve made the choice to just cool things or distance yourselves. That kind of thing can be rehashed and taken out of context and stewed over. And it probably won’t help.

Post # 15
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

A couple of things – I have read the story and I know your Fiance has made many attempts to talk to them about their behavior.  Now normally I am in the camp of each person dealing with their own parents but this is a case where, if I were you, I would call them myself. 

I would go with the “when you did this, I felt x” or whatever.  And then I would tell them that I expect an apology for

  • calling you a liar,
  • for not trusting you to handle your own business,
  • for getting involved as they did and overstepping their boundaries,
  • for embarrassing you in a way no adult should ever feel, and
  • causing you to apologize to your program instructors and possibly jeapordizing your future.

Figuring they still won’t get why you feel that way, I would tell them they don’t need to understand, but they need to respect that you are an adult and can handle your own problems.

Post # 16
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

Tho it may seem like a good idea to you now, trust me in that writing a letter that they can bring out over and over and even show other family members can never be a good thing,ever. They may forget whole chunks of conversations, but once it’s in writing , it can never be taken back or explained away. Why give them something to hold over your head forever?

Let them visit and see what they have to say. It doesn’t seem like it can get much worse!

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