(Closed) Family using our wedding as a weapon

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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twiggym:  You should edit out the bit about you getting married a few weeks ago and also next week because otherwise that will be the focus of many of the comments you get. Many people will wonder why you’re having 2 weddings.

As for your main question, unfortunately it would be extremely rude not to invite FIL’s wife if you’re inviting him. Since it sounds like the mother of the SILs is being unreasonable, I think it’s going to have to be on her if she chooses to try and use her daughters as ammunition. What are the chances she’s bluffing? Also does the mother have good reason to hate the Father-In-Law this deeply (like abuse) or is it just angst from a bad breakup?

Post # 3
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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twiggym:  invite everyone and then leave it on them to make the decision.  Don’t get involved and let them deal with the drama.  My Brother-In-Law parents had a nasty divorce and don’t speak.  my sister and brother in law said we invite both and if they can’t handle to be around for one day for us then that’s on them. I know it’s easier to say than do but thats my thought.

Post # 4
416 posts
Helper bee

Invite who you want and let people know that if they can’t put their sh*t on the backburner for one day and act like adults, they are welcome to stay at home. I wouldnn’t stand for this behavior, not from anyone, parents included. 

Post # 5
1304 posts
Bumble bee


You can’t allow a 13 year old to create drama around your wedding.

I would tell them that they are all invited and you hope they can set aside their issues to celebrate a common loved one, your husband. If they can’t check their drama at the door, then you’ll be sorry that they can’t make it.

Post # 6
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First:  You can’t NOT invite your FIL’s wife. She’s his wife. She gets invited. 

I am really, really sorry if you know people who are so nasty and tacky that they’re using your wedding to air their personal drama–and reprehensible that they’re doing this to their own kids–but in the end, the only thing you can do is act like an adult yourself and hope they do the same. So, I would invite everyone and allow them the opportunity to behave like responsible adults. Hopefully, they will, and if they can’t, then they’ll stay home. 

(and if you have a couple of burly cousins or some stern college buddies, I would maybe clue them in to some of this drama in the hopes that on the day-of, they will be standing by to remove anyone who is at risk of rioting. You shouldn’t have to worry about that on your big day.)

Post # 7
396 posts
Helper bee

If this is next week, hasn’t everyone already been invited? 


Post # 9
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I would invite them all. If they choose to attend then that’s their choice. If they don’t, no cares given. Just enjoy your day. 

I would of also declined making the SIL a Bridesmaid or Best Man if you didn’t want too. However, I see you already did so it’s too late to kind of take it back.

Post # 10
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

People have a hell of a nerve dictatng to the bride and groom how a wedding should be run, in order to spare their own feelings, and that of their children.

Tell the complainers they don’t have to sit, eat, dance or even say hello to anyone they don’t want to. Its a big event, hope you can make it.

Post # 11
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

I’d invite them all and tell them to stop their stupid (to avoid cussing) cow poop. That your wedding is what matters and they are distancing you and your DH from them by acting like the children they are using as weapons. I would also mention how ridiculously emtionally abusive it is to a child who is ALREADY emotionally unstable (by finding out their dad is married and not allowed to see him much) to USE them like that. They might think that just being kids, they won’t care. But they will. Call them out on their ridiculously selfish, egocentric, manipulative and abusive behavior. Tell them to be a mother first, if the kids are close to you guys they WILL care they missed out. 

It gets me so darn angry when people use children as weapons in their ridiculous drama.

Post # 12
6516 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

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twiggym:  leave it. whoever decides to come, will come. if they are going to be petty and not show up because they can’t act like ADULTS and put their differences aside for the bride and groom’s day, than thats on them. They look like the fools, not you.

I am sorry you have to deal with such bs.

Post # 13
1270 posts
Bumble bee

I would kindly remind everyone to check their status. Are any of them the bride and groom? No? Then they need to shut up and deal with their issues with each other like adults and behave themselves for one wedding. If they find they can’t they can remove themselves from the situation with no hard feelings, because you will refuse to feel badly for them.

The only exception I find is the Father-In-Law not telling his kids he got married, that is BS. I feel bad for them and would make sure they were entertained and didn’t have to interact with anyone they didn’t want to.

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