(Closed) Family vacation argument!

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 47
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I know you posted this in Aug 2012.  So I hope this resolved.  But here is my advice.

 

Wow.  I’m sorry for the situation you’re in…

 

1) That your Father-In-Law sees it as “HIS” family time, not EVERYONE’S family time.  It is a family vacation.  NOT just his.  And, for him to take offense that you wanted to INCLUDE your family on a vacation is PREPOSTEROUS.  The whole POINT of marriage is TWO becoming ONE.  While, YES you should’ve maybe ran it by him first.  It is ALSO your family vacation too.  As well as each single person ON THE CRUISE.  He doesn’t own the ship.

 

2) I’m sorry for the way your spouse handled it as well.  Instead of defending your honor, he has added to the hurt.  I can only imagine more pain in the long run.  I hope you guys can sit down & talk about this issue cause I can only see it being rehashed later on down the road.

 

3) Your Father-In-Law was just plain rude & cruel.  There are no other words to describe what he did.  Sure, maybe he doesn’t speak out of love.  But can you imagine having your child’s birthday parties where both sets of grandparents are there after this? I hope all parties involved can sit down & have a pow-wow for your child’s sake.

 

 

 

Post # 48
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@caribbean_lover:  Speaking quite frankly, your Father-In-Law sounds like a douchebag.

On one hand, I can sort of understand his being annoyed by your parents coming along, especially if he doesn’t enjoy their company but the way he chose to handle it was atrocious.  The bottom line is that he has insulted both you and your parents.  Why on earth would you want to vacation with him now?  I doubt I could be too fussed to worry about THEM forgiving ME.  

While I understand your husband doesn’t want WWIII to erupt over this, he should also have your back.  His father was out of line.  If you do agree to go on this vacation, I think you would be well within your rights to avoid “family” time that involved your Father-In-Law.  

I hope your Mother-In-Law and the rest of that side of the family is far more kind and polite.  

Post # 49
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@lovekiss:  I agree 100% with you.

 

Sorry OP, but I think you are the one in the wrong here.  Yes, your Father-In-Law didn’t handle the situation very well, but you put him a very difficult position.  You NEVER EVER invite people on someone else’s vacation without checking with that person.  That’s just rude and thoughtless.  I’ve had friends do this to me – I invite them on a trip and then they start inviting their friends and it pisses me off to no end.  Whether I like this additional friend or not is irrelavent.  I don’t want them there and now I’m stuck in a hard spot of telling my friend he/she has to uninvite that person – it’s super awkward.

I know you said your parents would keep to themselves and wouldn’t impose on family time, but I think we all know that’s not what would have happened.  Your ILs will feel obligated to invite your parents to dinners and other activities out of politeness or vice versa.  And you said yourself that you don’t see your parents very often so they are, inevitably and understandably, going to want to spend time with you and your son and odds are it’s going to interfere some how with your ILs.

Also, you did tattle on your Father-In-Law to your parents, which is really uncool.  Your Father-In-Law was probably expressing his frustration and didn’t want to get it back to your parents.  I mean, if you vented about a sitation to your H about your ILs, would you then appreciate him telling them exactly how you felt and what you said?  I’m going to assume no.

It does sound like your Father-In-Law didn’t handle the situation very tactfully and should have just politely asked your parents to consider going on the cruise at a different time.  He also shouldn’t have said those negative things about your parents. But you have to remember that you put him in a really hard spot and unless he cussed everyone out, I have a hard time blaming him for how he responded.

Ithink that the next step is for you should apologize to both parties.  Explain that you didn’t think it was a big deal but were definitely wrong for inviting your parents before checking with the ILs.  Then I’d let it go, I’m sure that in a week or too this will all die down. Definitely go on this trip.  Yes, it was an awkward situation, but refusing to go is not going to help anything. =/

Post # 50
Member
7309 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

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@pineapplez17:  She invited people he doesn’t like to join his vacation and take away from his planned family time. From his perspective, that is a really crappy position to be put in.

If I am planning a family vacation, and then someone invites 2 people I don’t like to join said vacation, there’s gonna be a problem. I either suck it up and go along with people I don’t like being present on my vacation, or I have to defend my vacation and out myself for not liking these people to their own daughter. Talk about a no-win for him.

And when people feel backed into a corner, they are far more likely to lash out. For better or for worse, that is human nature. Fight or flight. He chose fight, and I don’t think he should be demonized for that. Do I think he took it too far with the phone call thing? Yeah, probably. But OP needs to own her huge role in this and not look for a way out or hold this against her Father-In-Law.

It’s not hopeless here. Lots of apologies by OP, laying low for a bit, and a little ass kissing to smooth things over with Father-In-Law will probably go a very long way. It sound like he has a bit of an ego. In this case, wounding that ego was a problem. But it can be turned into an advantage because people with egos like to have them stroked. They can be handled, if you put in the effort. 

Post # 51
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@bigchasmiller:  haha, she posted this an hour ago! The August 2012 is her wedding date (usually) Just a tip as I see you are a newer poster 😉

Post # 52
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@lovekiss:  People are fully capable of communicating tactfully even when they are upset. It’s not like she was doing this to purposefully ruin “his” vacation. I don’t think what she did was horrible enough to condone his being so rude to her. And why did he need to insult her parents? Even if he felt like he was in a crappy position, I don’t understand why that makes it okay for him to flip out rather than be polite about it. He could have politely asked her to univite her parents.

Post # 53
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Am I the only one who is really curious at just why Father-In-Law is annoyed with OP’s parents so much?  

Post # 54
Member
7309 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

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@pineapplez17:  Your point may or may not be valid. We are only getting the OP’s side of the story here. Her narrative is that of a poor innocent victim to this tyrant Father-In-Law. It is rarely that simple. And in this case she was clearly the one who poked the bear. 

And I’m done responding to this thread. All posters are welcome to pity the poor OP as they see fit. It’s no skin off my back if she pisses off her FI’s family even more.

Post # 55
Member
795 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@caribbean_lover:  Ugh oh man 🙁 What a dick!

I don’t know what the relationship was like with your in-laws prior to this, but unless you already knew that your parents didn’t get along for some reason I don’t think you were in the wrong for inviting your parents to come along. It probably would have been better to ask first, but you obviously know that now.

I know this isn’t how everyone’s family works, but when DH and I got married we combined two families. My parents see his family as family and vice verse. We do try to ask first just to be sure, but our families have always welcomed each other to whatever family event they were having. I can’t imagine a situation where my father or my Father-In-Law would have said that the other parents weren’t welcome, let alone doing it in such a bully-ish manner. 

He was totally out of line for his behavior and he owes you and your parents an apology (which you probably won’t get.) I would definitely tell your parents you are sorry they were treated so poorly. I would probably also decline the invitation until he had apologized to my parents. Your husband’s excuse that it will make them even more upset does not fly with me. Bullies are bullies because people allow them to be. 

Post # 56
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Something you didn’t address, and might actually be the big issue – who is paying for the cruise? If the ILs are paying I can see how they would feel this is “their” trip. Father-In-Law is still VERY rude to have done what he did. But, if he is paying for you guys to go I can almost see their point.

However, if you are paying your own way I think it’s crazy for him to have shut down the idea of your parents coming. I guess I can understand him wanting “family” time and not having to share you guys with other people – but still. His behavior was ridiculous.

At this point, I would go. Enjoy ourselves. Try to distance yourself from the ILs. Next yr, plan a vacation just with your own family.

Post # 57
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m confused as to why everyone is calling this “HIS” vacation.  There seem to be quite a few adults going on this vacation that I think, OP correct me if it’s wrong, are paying thier own way, so no way iis it “HIS.”  It is thiers, OP’s as well.

 

Post # 58
Member
795 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@lovekiss:  Not sure why you would assume OP is misrepresenting herself. Apparently it’s impossible for this Father-In-Law to actually be an asshole? Of course all we have is one side of the story. How is that any different than any other post on WB. This is a supportive place. If everyone took your approach and looked at every OP as if they were lying/exaggerating/misrepresenting the situation, and were just general bitches to OP we wouldn’t be any better than a certain infamous wedding forum (I don’t think I’m allowed to say the name lol)

 

Post # 59
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@pineapplez17:  I’m with lovekiss again.  We only have the OP’s side of the story and I think it’s important to remember that there is most likely a bias present.  OP said:

He told me that I had no right to invite them on his family vacation, and having them there would change the whole dynamic of the trip. Even though I told him they would stay to themselves, he said it didn’t matter, because he didn’t want to have to interact with them at all. After we had a long discussion, he finally agreed that they could come, but said I had to do my best to keep them away from him and make sure they don’t interrupt any family time.
 

Obviously we don’t know the tone in which these things were said, but so long as he wasn’t yelling I would hardly call this “flipping out.”  If he was indeed yelling, then I would agree that was uncalled for.  However, the OP still needs to accept her role in this whole mess.

I have to say, that I’m SHOCKED at how many people think it’s ok to invite others one someone else’s vacation – YIKES!  Holy rudeness!

Post # 60
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@Apple_Blossom:  I’m curious too especially since it seems that OP had no idea Father-In-Law hated her parents.  Very odd.

Post # 61
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

this guy sounds like the LEAST amount of fun to vacation with… everything is clearly his way. 

not only wouldnt I go after this childish outbreak, but I wouldnt go because he sounds terribly to be around.. especially stuck on a boat with planned ‘family time’  no thank you!

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