Post # 92
@caribbean_lover: sounds like your Father-In-Law needs to be concerned with you forgiving him (after apologizing – which I get, will likely not happen) more than you guys should be concerned with your Father-In-Law not forgiving you for not going. I would be very offended and not want to go. While I think you should have discussed this with everyone before inviting your parents along, your Father-In-Law was out of line.
Post # 93
@RunsWithBears: + a million
OP, the truth is everyone was very out of line here. You were totally wrong to invite your parents without so much as discussing it ahead of time with your ILs. They absolutely should have had a say as to who is invited on this family vacation. Who is paying for what is completely irrelevant. They are the planners and the organizers of this vacation and they had every right to keep the guest list limited to their own family.
Your Father-In-Law was very wrong, too. I agree that he never should have called your parents directly, especially since he apparently did a 180 as soon as he got on the phone. The only thing I can think is that maybe your parents said something to set him off. Still no excuse, though. He also had absolutely had no business insulting your parents. That is just horrendous.
As for your Fiance, he allowed this scenario to play out the way it did, so he’s equally at fault in my mind. Even your parents are not totally off the hook since I can’t imagine not even asking you if you are sure your ILs were OK with this before going ahead to book their cruise. I suppose one could argue that if you invited them, they should have been able to assume that they were welcome. In their place, I’d have been so conscious about not intruding on the IL’s family trip, and would have wanted to make 1000% sure I was welcome.
Bottom line, everyone had a part in this and everyone needs to apologize without reservation. This is how family rifts that last years get started. This was just so entirely preventable.
Post # 94
@bigchasmiller: I just wanted to point out that this was posted today; August 2012 refers to the OP’s wedding date.
Post # 95
I can see both sides of the situation. OP, you pointed out that the cruise ship is public. Ok, but imagine you’re on your honeymoon and your parents decided to book the suite next to yours. It’s a public hotel and they’re paying, so what can you say? Then they decide to go eat in the same restaurant, see the same shows, shop in the same stores. Sure, all of these places are public, but can’t you see where it’s frustrating?
However, I think your Father-In-Law telling your parents he didn’t like them was wrong. You may not have employed tact or diplomacy (to quote a PP) but neither did he. Both of you were in the wrong and should apologize to the offended parties- and if he couldn’t apologize to your parenta, in your shoes, I’d have a problem.
Post # 96
My sister’s in-laws have showed up at my parents’ house for our immediate family Christmases, Thanksgivings, and regular get togethers. It may not have been exactly what my parents had in mind when they planned their events, but they were always nice. You know why? Because they realize that this person is now and forever an important figure in their child’s (and grandchildren’s) life and it would be most beneficial to their child to get along with their child’s new family. Also, my parents make it a point to make all their sons-in-law and daughter-in-law feel welcome into our family. Welcoming them into our family includes welcoming their family.
OP, I would have ran inviting my parents to the cruise by my husband first. However, I would never in a million years think my in-laws would be upset to be on a cruise ship with my family. I especially would not stand for anyone talking to my parents or myself the way your Father-In-Law did. I really wish your husband would have intervened for you. I’m a grudge holder and things would never be the same between me and my Father-In-Law if he did this to me. And I would not go on the cruise unless something drastic changes.
Post # 97
- Wedding: August 2013 - Anaheim Hills Golf Course
Put a stop to this by showing that YOU are not okay with the way your parents were treated. I would definitely NOT GO! If you go, you are demonstrating that the way the acted is okay with you—your parents ALWAYS come first before in-laws. Horrible situation. I’m sorry.
Post # 98
@caribbean_lover: This is why we don’t do family holidays… Maybe one day when we have a kid we will have to cross this bridge but my dh and I both agree they are generally bad ideas for this exact reason and wish to avoid them if we can.
I can understand why he was upset but he handled it in the wrong way. I am the type of person who hates people changing plans for me (have been known to go off about this – like family trying to change the emcee for my wedding without asking us or suddenly backing out of going somewhere with us and giving their ticket to another family member without asking us if we had someone else in mind – mind you we paid for the ticket) but I have never been that rude about the situation either.
What resounded with me was him saying he was the head of the household… I don’t know what culture you are, but I’m a South Afican and if my father in law ever said that to me we’d have issues. Sure he sits at the head of the table when we have dinner if we visit them (because that is considered respectful) but he also knows my husband and I are our own family now and my dh is the head of our household and that I married my dh not him so as much as I respect him, he is not the head of my household.
So yes in a way I think you handles the situation incorrectly by inviting your parents without asking them first but I think he over reacted as well.
Post # 99
@BtoR: we’re American, so I was surprised to hear him say that. His reasoning is that his son should be the head of my family, so that makes him the head of the entire family, since he’s his son’s father. Sounds too patriarchal for my taste.
Post # 100
@caribbean_lover: I don’t get that I really don’t…. I mean sure there is a level of respect for my father in law – in fact a hell of a lot of respect but we don’t just bow down to what he wants. if we are asked to do something for/with them we usually do, we invite them around sometimes as well but sometimes we say no to things because we have our family (us) to worry about first.
Does he expect to be head of the household when he visits your house?
Post # 101
I think it was probably a mistake to suggest that the OP’s parents came along without clearing this with her Father-In-Law. But his reaction was way over the top, astonishingly rude and has clearly created a rift between the two families that is unlikely to heal. Not the behaviour of a civilised adult.
I’d certainly not be looking forwards to the cruise either. However, I think it is probably best not to add fuel to the fire by cancelling. So I’d go on it. But that would be the last, ever, family vacation I’d be prepared to go on with the ILs. Like ever.
All this “head of the family” stuff is utter nonsense too. It is 2014, not 1814. We no longer live in a patriarchal society where men can reasonably set themselves up as some sort of Godfather figure and expect everyone to do their bidding.
Post # 102
I would be furious …… Your SO needs to have a serious chat to his father about talking to your parents like that. And honestly, out of spite I would not go on the cruise until your Father-In-Law apologises to you and your parents.
Post # 103
- Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour
Honestly, most of this is your fault….
-You shouldn’t have talked to your family aboiut the vacation without letting your Father-In-Law first because he is the ‘organizer’ of the vacation.
-You definitly should not have told your parents about how your Father-In-Law feels. That wasn’t needed at all.
Your Father-In-Law sounds like a huge jerk though. I would refuse to go on the vacation completely – but if he appologizes to your parents, maybe reconsider going. Your DH needs to support you on this.
Post # 104
Regardless of how your Father-In-Law feels, it was not ok to talk to you or your parents that way.
Plus, what does he care? If it’s a public cruise, then there’ll be thousands of other people around. It’s not as if he’s chartering a small boat just for your family.
I wouldn’t stand for that attitude, whether you were in the right or wrong to invite them. That’s beside the point here. I’d probably refuse to go myself on principle.
Post # 105
I just wanted to let everyone know that I am still planning to go on the cruise. I’m going for my husband, since he really wants us to go and promised me we would have plenty of time to ourselves. However, I’m beginning to think that may not be the case as my Father-In-Law has been sending out numerous emails trying to plan every minute of our cruise. He wants to have us eating all meals together, doing all the same activities at ports and even booked a room that was right down the hall from ours! any suggestions on how to get space?
Post # 106
@caribbean_lover: Clearly you either have to go and have him be up your ass or stay home. What ship and ports are you going to? Maybe some of us seasoned cruisers can suggest activities and things for you to do to get some space from him?