Family vacation in Sept…won't take SO if we aren't engaged…

posted 6 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

How old are you and how long have you been together? I would never sacrafice an awesome vacation with my boyfriend just because I didn’t have a ring. And it sounds like you family and his get along since they were invited last time. You may come off as petty if you don’t invite them and that’s not going to help your situation. I guess it depends on how long you’ve been together and how old you are but I feel like if you love this man and you know he is going to propose soon what’s the harm in waiting a little longer. 

Post # 3
Member
6657 posts
Bee Keeper

The thing is, these types of events are gonna keep on happening and each one will create another relationship crisis for you. Today it’s the family beach trip; soon it’ll be Thanksgiving and then Christmas and so on. Or a family wedding to attend. Each event will throw you into turmoil by reminding you that you aren’t engaged yet, still in limbo, still unhappy with the status quo.

You said several times you’re not ready to set a walk date or leave your bf over his delay, yet you sound fairly miserable. Honestly, you just need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you’re feeling. You don’t have to mention a walk date or anything like that, but tell him you’re unhappy being in limbo and you don’t understand why you can’t be engaged WHILE working on the house renos together, etc. If it’s about saving up for a ring, tell him you’d be happy with something inexpensive. Just talk to him directly about your feelings!

Post # 6
Member
3228 posts
Sugar bee

Personally, I wouldn’t not take my boyfriend if we weren’t engaged just because of judgements. 

I thought this was more of my situation. My husband’s family takes lavish family vacations every year, but only wives/husbands are allowed to go. It sucked sitting these trips out every year for five years until we got married. 

Post # 9
Member
2738 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

At 25 literally no one is judging you for not being engaged!

It seems like you are trying to use this as leverage to get your bf to propose sooner, and that is very immature. If you aren’t ready to break it off and he isn’t ready to get engaged quite yet then you have to continue on in the relationship as normal. Not inviting him to the family vacation that he previously attended seems strange.

Post # 10
Member
6657 posts
Bee Keeper

gagal2016 :  Yeah, “trust me” wouldn’t work for me at this point. I looked at some of your previous threads, and several years ago you were contemplating leaving him because he was refusing to talk about the future or set an even vague timeline for getting engaged. So this is hardly a new anxiety for you.

At this point, it’s time to shit or get off the pot. A 33 yr old man who owns a house should be able to commit to his girlfriend of 5 years, but instead he’s still stalling with bullshit excuses and wishy washy “trust me’s”. Nope. Time to sit down and have a direct convo where you tell him in no uncertain terms that his delay is actively making you unhappy in the relationship. Ask him to be very honest with you about why he hasn’t felt ready to propose yet. No bullshit, no vagueisms – pin him down on this and if he still won’t give you a direct answer, I would think a lot more seriously about setting that mental walk date.

Post # 10
Member
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

You mentioned how it’s “not up to you” but really, an engagement is a two person agreement! I can see wanting to be surprised and not wanting to pressure him, but I think it’s okay to have a sit-down conversation asking what his general timeline is. Bring up that this is your life too that you’re trying to plan, and it’s not about “trusting” him, it’s about knowing what’s going on in your own life and future. Even a general “this year” would be better than being completely in the dark.

Post # 13
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

gagal2016 :  26 is still young so isn’t 33 for that matter and the fact that he want’s to basically build a perfect house first so you two have a place to start your future together shows he’s in this for the long haul. It could be money is tight with the house and he is unable to get you a ring he feels is perfect for you. My SO wanted to propose 2 years ago but couldn’t because he was in a ill paying job and we had (not exaggerating) 22 other weddings to go to and that s**t is not cheap. 

It sounds like he’s a decent guy with a good head on his shoulders so why don’t you talk to him? And talk to your family. I don’t think being in a loving relationship is a sign of not respecting yourself. Being in a relationship for 5 years with no ring at 26 is not the same as being in a relationship for 5 years at 36. 

Post # 15
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Well the questions will just change into why he isn’t there or are you still together. So, you’ll still be dodging comments and perhaps even more since he won’t be there to keep their comments to themselves. 

So that, to me, is a silly reason. However, it sounds like more so you’re projecting your discontent at the situation with him as well as your own fears that you truly are “that girl” that’s being misled. That’s understandable and hardly surprising. However, like PP said, you need to have a conversation with him or find that courage to set boundaries and/or a walk date if the conversations are all the same. Otherwise you’re really going to have to find acceptance in the situation because you’re actively choosing to stay in it under his terms (which, to me, aren’t good terms but that’s me).

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