Family vacation in Sept…won't take SO if we aren't engaged…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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gagal2016 :  Precisely. Being married you handle things as a unit. Your relationship now isn’t causing issues for any of that nor would it with engaged status slapped on there. So, again, just seems like excuses.

Post # 34
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee

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collegebee :  Agree!

OP, you need a walk date. Even if you don’t verbalize it to him, you, yourself need a deadline for when you’re going to no longer tolerate his laissez-faire attitude. 

You should read Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. It’s a good read and would lend itself well to another viewpoint of your situation. 

Essentially – require him to propose, or move on. Love is clearly not enough, and you’re not happy. Don’t spend your life not being happy. 

Post # 35
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

If you are going to go on this vacation without him, make sure you do it because you want to and not in order to change your BF’s behavior. Ultimately, your BF will do what makes sense for him and you should as well. If you go alone, it will signal that you are putting the breaks on the relationship — which is fine if that’s your intent. Be clear and honest with him. You don’t have to wait resentfully as he makes his decision about marrying you. You have just as much control and agency in the relationship as he does. Use it.

“BF, we seem to have stalled in our relationship and that concerns me. I’m interested in moving forward and being full partners in planning our future. For that, we need to be on the same page. My preference is to get engaged within the next year. What are your thoughts?” If he then starts with, “well, that’s a surprise. You need to trust me,” then continue being honest. “I love you, but that doesn’t work for me anymore. I’d like us to be solidly moving forward by this time next year. How does that sound to you?” If he indicates that he can’t set any kind of timeline with you, I think you have your answer. Make each action one that has integrity, one that is kind, but in your best interests. I wouldn’t have this conversation with him more than once. You ask him if he’s thinking of engagement once, listen to his response, believe him, don’t try to change his mind, and move forward in your life whether that means staying or leaving.

Post # 37
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee

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gagal2016 :  I’ve read it a few times, even after I was married. They also made it into a movie, which is pretty good – but definitely read the book. 

Post # 39
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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gagal2016 :  I’m gonna put myself out here as a ‘cautionary tale’. Because I went through the waiting b.s. with my DH, he always said he wanted to marry me but {insert ‘soon’ ‘trust me’ etc etc etc] to the point where I started to doubt/ resent him. And I’m sorry to say this, but to be perfectly honest, it’s not the same. Even if he’s sincere in his desire to marry you- if you have to wait another 6 months or year or 2 years, it will affect your relationship and your feelings toward him. And even if he proposes and you say yes and he’s a great guy- it doesn’t magically reset the relationship back to the way it was before resentment and doubt set in. I wish guys that pissed about thinking they can propose eventually and the end game is all that matters…they don’t know what they’re risking. 

Post # 40
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

No matter what you do, just don’t use this vacation as a way to subtly blackmail him into proposing to you, like “if we aren’t engaged, you and your family are not coming with us on this wonderful vacation”

Post # 42
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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lifetimegoals :  No matter what you do, just don’t use this vacation as a way to subtly blackmail him into proposing to you, like “if we aren’t engaged, you and your family are not coming with us on this wonderful vacation”

This. I get being frustrated, but it sounds like you’re trying to use the vacation to punish him, and I don’t think that is right. By all means, use it as a conversation point to start engagement discussions, but don’t use it as blackmail.

Post # 44
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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gagal2016 :  ““Look, I love you, but I thought we would be further along in our relationship than where we are and I really think I could use the vacation with my family to do some reflecting on my own.”

 

Do you live with him? If not, there are plenty of opportunities between now and then to take some time on your own to reflect on things (which you should be anyways). The fact that you are choosing a fun vacation that he has previously attended and enjoyed as the vehicle to do your reflecting will come off as punishing him, no matter what your intention is.

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