Family vacation in Sept…won't take SO if we aren't engaged…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
2337 posts
Buzzing bee

I really do not understand why so many people are reframing your act of self-preservation as manipulation.

You are basically being gaslighted by this forum.

By all means, start standing up for yourself, start making your OWN wants and needs an important thing within this relationship. Start living life more for yourself and less for this guy, this relationship, or this hypothetical future with this guy that I’m sure you’ve been dreaming of for years. 

Do whatever YOU need to do to get your own life back on track.

And if that means being selfish, so be it.

Your SO has been selfish for at LEAST a few years now – putting his OWN needs and his OWN life goals (this house) before you and the relationship.

If he gets to be selfish, so the eff do you.

Yeah, as a PP said, do all things with kindness and integrity. But you can 100% do selfish with kindness and integrity – and sometimes the people in your life force you into a corner and you really have no other choice than to be selfish.

So definitely be selfish. And definitely read the Steve Harvey book. Game changer. 

Post # 47
Member
1840 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Men are sometimes really stupid about this stuff.  This vacation sounds like a really perfect time to propose to you with all the family there to celebrate.  I feel like that would be the smart thing to do.  If he isn’t going to do that, he probably shouldn’t go because everyone will be expecting it the entire time, and everything will be awkward.

Post # 48
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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gagal2016 :  your update does change things because being independent is a big deal for a lot of disabled people. So his tying a house to being ready makes sense to me in that context.

what it doesn’t change is that this is who he is. He is putting what he needs ahead of what you want/need. I would try to determine if he is always this way or he has a legitimate set of goals re his own independence. If he does, are you prepared to respect that or does your need eclipse what he needs?

you could talk to him and get info on the house and his feelings of independence. Just listen and see if you hear something you might not have considered, or maybe he is just selfish. 

Focusing on this vacation and the reaction of your family isn’t the point. Focus on the two of you and if you can come up with a plan together or not. If you can’t, that’s a bigger issue than this vacation or your family’s reactions.

Post # 49
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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duchessgummybunns : 

“You are basically being gaslighted by this forum.

By all means, start standing up for yourself, start making your OWN wants and needs an important thing within this relationship. Start living life more for yourself and less for this guy, this relationship, or this hypothetical future with this guy that I’m sure you’ve been dreaming of for years. “

 

No, she isn’t. Plenty of people have stated that she hasn’t been treated fairly by her boyfriend. And she absolutely SHOULD make her own wants and needs a priority. That’s not what this is about. If she’s not getting what she needs out of this relationship, she should leave. What she should not do is let her boyfriend know, I’ll stay in this relationship where my feelings are always secondary to yours, because the thought of losing you is worse than being a second class citizen in my own relationship. But you can’t come with me on my vacation.

 

 

Post # 50
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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BalletParker :  “Focusing on this vacation and the reaction of your family isn’t the point. Focus on the two of you and if you can come up with a plan together or not. If you can’t, that’s a bigger issue than this vacation or your family’s reactions.

 

Yes! That’s what I am trying to say! This trip really isn’t the point. And making the trip the point is very short sighted. If, after a good heart to heart they decide they don’t want the same things or aren’t progressing and should break up, the natural consequence is that he won’t be on the trip. This is a conversation that needs to happen with or without the looming trip. Basing the context of her unhappiness on this trip is what is making people say she’s being manipulative or punitive.

Post # 52
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

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gagal2016 : 

“Life will never be perfect. If you keep waiting for everything to make perfect sense and be this amazing moment, it will never happen.”

Nothing is going to change after 4 years once you have a damn ring. You will still be the same people. The ring and the wedding do not make the marriage.

Take your own advice! I really don’t understand females like you. 

If you intentionally exclude him and his family, you are minimizing and insulting your relationship and what he means to you, ring or not. Not only that,  he’s going to be hurt by being left out of such a major thing and then he probably would second guess proposing.

Perhaps you should appreciate the fact that he wants to have a home for you both.  A NICE home. A home he is working his ass off on trying to make into a nice place for you both to live. You’re so caught up in superficial stuff. You sound like a snob. He can’t DO everything at once. He bought a house, is renovating it, and is saving for a ring. Do you not understand how expensive and daunting all of that is?

Perhaps you need to look at him with fresh eyes and tell him you appreciate him and how hard he is working. Try that. 

Post # 53
Hostess
10358 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

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gagal2016 :  I haven’t read the other posters’ comments, so I’m going off your OP. Here’s the thing – your engagement shouldn’t hinge on whether or not he proposes to you in time for this trip, or vice-versa, this trip shouldn’t affect your relationshp status. If your family judged you 2 years ago for not being engaged, they’re going to judge you now, regardless if he’s on the trip or not (probably more so if he isn’t on the trip with you, as they’ll suspect there’s trouble in your relationship). 

Post # 54
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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gagal2016 :  OK good. There’s always a fine line between making sure your point is made and beating a dead horse. For what it’s worth, I hope you come to a good resolution with him.

Post # 56
Member
2337 posts
Buzzing bee

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Tatum :  So, you’re saying you could just up and walk away from the the guy you want to marry after 5 long years? Just like that? Must be nice being you.

Most people don’t operate that way, as Tiffanybruiser has already poitned out. For MOST people, getting themselves out of an unequal relationship is a gradual process. And the first step in that process is to learn to be selfish again so that you can start to disengage emotionally.

In OP’s shoes, I would absolutely not bring SO on the trip. To boot, I’d have that talk with him that a lot of PP have mentioned, and if he still didn’t want to give me even a general timeline, I would probably say “OK, I’d LOVE to keep dating, since we care about each other and all, but I’m going to also date other people as well. I no longer feel comfortable being exclusive with someone who won’t commit to me.”

And that would 100% be me putting myself first, not being manipulative. If YOU would just break up under that scenario, great. But everyone isn’t you. And actions are right or wrong based on whether or not they are what YOU would do. 

Post # 57
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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duchessgummybunns :  yeeeahhh, you’re reading a whole lot into my post that I didn’t say. But OK.

Post # 58
Member
8373 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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duchessgummybunns :  But the trip isnt until september, what would you do in the meantime? I mean, if the OP doesnt change anything else except “nah, no trip for you” which is what youre suggesting it doesnt seem like anything else will change..except he is punished by not going on the trip. 

Post # 60
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2018

It sounds like you and your SO need to have a talk about the future. You don’t need to ask for a date, but you need to ask the hard questions – is he TRULY going to marry you? Does he have reservations? Do you truly want to marry him? Are you willing to wait to make it happen? Is he worth waiting for, with everything you know about each other?

It may also be good to ask how you should answer those questions. You want to be honest, but you also want to make sure your answer supports him also.

 

After talking to him for the reasons, set boundaries with your family. Show that you are not doubting him, and that asking puts stress on you, him, and your relationship. 

Also – if your planning guy is like my planning guy is, if he says trust me, he may be figuring it all out already but wanting to keep it a surprise. So remember – that may be the case.

Either way, if you think he is an honest man who is worth the wait and your family loves him, don’t exclude him from the trip. That will be taken as an ultimatum and cause even more stress between you two, and will signify to your family and him that your relationship with him is rocky and on the fritz. If that’s not true, don’t make it true. 

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