Family vacation in Sept…won't take SO if we aren't engaged…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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sf618 :  I don’t think that’s fair. Nothing OP has said has come across as snobby or selfish.

Post # 63
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

What is his response when you tell him you want to get engaged? And what is being engaged meaning for you?

Maybe you can reach a compromise -if he does want to get engaged and married- and get engaged without the need of a ring or anything like it (given that he is currently spending his money on other priorities). Then you could both start a wedding savings account together with the idea of not getting married until you’ve reached x amount of money -I feel, from your posts, that money is the biggests issue for him.

Post # 65
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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sf618 :  you clearly read a different thread…I don’t know where OP said it was about a ring. She has said several times she just wants a COMMITMENT. Its been 5 years.. She is justified in her feelings. 

Post # 66
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

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sf618 :  I can’t even with your comment.

It’s a family vacation hosted, paid for, and comprised of HER FAMILY. By stringing her along, not giving her a timeline, not proposing, etc., he is saying through his actions that he isn’t ready to take the step and formally become a part of…wait for it…HER FAMILY.

So why does he get to go on this trip??

It doesn’t matter that he went 2 years ago. I’d be willing to bet that two years ago, OP figured she would be engaged by now – which is NOT ‘superficial’.

There’s nothing in this post to indicate that she’s financially dependent upon him, so I’m not sure why you’re treating her like an ungrateful, spoiled child re: the house. That’s as much his house as it will be hers, and he is the one who made the decision to make that purchase. She has nothing to feel guilty about.

I agree that the bigger problem is this relationship seems to be moving incredibly slowly. I can’t believe that so many of the posters on this thread seem to think this guy (and his parents!!) deserve to tag along on this vacation. WTF.

Post # 67
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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gagal2016 :  I understand where you’re coming from – I was there a few months ago. The best way to do it is communicate needs and expectations and set boundaries from there – for you, your SO, and to your family. Even if it is scary honest! Your guy sounds sweet, and so do you! I know you will find a solution for both of you! 🙂 

Post # 68
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Tizer Gardens/Carroll College

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gagal2016 :  I started telling people that they should ask him if they were so anxious to know. Fewer people asked me. More people asked him. Pressure form me diverted (ok, not really, I was anxious after so long to make it happen, too!)

Post # 71
Member
7526 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think the OP understands that this is about more than a trip in September. The thing is, when you’re in limbo like this in your relationship, you can go weeks or months at a time kinda pretending all is well and good….then a trip or event like this comes up and slams you back into reality. You think to yourself, “oh shit, this family trip is coming up and here we are, in the exact same spot in our relationship that we were in two years ago – how did this happen? I am not okay with this! What should I do?!”

Things like this trip that’s coming up make it impossible to continue in la la land – they force you to confront your unhappiness with the status quo, and that’s what the OP is doing. So, yes, it’s definitely about more than the trip – but at the same time, OP shouldn’t invite her BF on this effing trip. Hopefully she will have ended things completely with him by September if there’s still no progress in the relationship, but honestly, she very possibly won’t have gotten to that point yet. As Duchessgummybuns said, when you’re in a relationship like this – 5 years together and you still love your partner – it’s effing HARD to walk away. You want to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, you want to be optimistic that despite all signs pointing to “he’s never gonna propose” – he will actually propose. I think unless you’ve been in a relationship like that it’s probably pretty hard to understand the mentality. Like I said, when I was in a relationship like that, some of the people closest to me just could not understand why it took me so long to finally cut the cord…but the fact is it’s a process you have go through of going from “I’m frustrated that he won’t propose but not ready to give up yet,” to “I’m done with this bullshit and I’m walking away.” And the way you get from point A to point B is by gradually detaching, which you do through putting yourself and your own needs first for a change. It’s empowering, but it takes time!

Post # 73
Member
2629 posts
Sugar bee

I think the way you explained it here is a great idea:

 “Look, I love you, but I thought we would be further along in our relationship than where we are and I really think I could use the vacation with my family to do some reflecting on my own.” 

It actually would be a great opportunity to do some reflecting. Going on a trip and/or removing yourself from your day to day life can give you new perspective on your situation. You can’t always see things clearly when you’re entrenched in the daily rhythm of it. ‘Can’t see the forest for the trees,’ sort of thing. Maybe it will give him some perspective as well. 

His excuses are just that – excuses. 5 years at his age is more than enough time to decide. Life is messy and busy, there’s always SOMETHING that needs to be done. 

Post # 74
Member
7526 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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gagal2016 :  I’m the same way bee. I hope it does work out for you and I’m not completely without hope that it still might, but you def need to have some serious, difficult conversations with him sooner rather than later. I definitely think your SO’s disability adds a level of complexity to your situation that many bees (myself included) cannot relate to. That said, his disability is not an excuse to drag you on in a never-ending limbo. If he’s not ready to make the commitment of marriage, that’s his prerogative, but he needs to be upfront with you and you have every right to walk away if you’re not getting what you need out of the relationship.

You’re right, there will come a point – and none of us can predict when that will be – when your heart will turn cold to him. And once that happens, you’ll be done. There will be nothing your bf can do at that point – including a belated proposal – to get you back. Once that switch is turned, it’s done.

Post # 75
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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tiffanybruiser :  “but the fact is it’s a process you have go through of going from “I’m frustrated that he won’t propose but not ready to give up yet,” to “I’m done with this bullshit and I’m walking away.” And the way you get from point A to point B is by gradually detaching, which you do through putting yourself and your own needs first for a change. It’s empowering, but it takes time!

 

That makes sense, even though I’ve not been through it. And if one is looking at this as “telling him he’s not coming is the figurative first domino in the chain reaction”, well then fine. That’s totally reasonable.

I think what people (myself included) were thinking based on the very first post (not any of the updates) was that the OP was going to maintain all aspects of an unsatisfying relationship while excluding him from her vacation. So in short, she’d come back from her vacation this fall and nothing else has changed. If that was the case, then leaving him behind does appear more punitive than looking at this decision as a necessary first step in leaving (or at least altering) a painful situation.

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