(Closed) Family vacation in Sept…won't take SO if we aren't engaged…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 92
10526 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You say it is not up to you. But why is it not up to you equally with him!? This is your life . You say you are ready ( l’m not surprised after 5 years!) so why can you not say so and instigate a conversation in which you take some control over the course of the next stage of your life . Tell him honestly how you feel, including the part about feeling somewhat humiliated about still not being engaged. 

I don’t understand having to wait till the house renovations are finished – what has that to do with getting engaged? I assume he is financial enough to buy a ring and that you are not demanding a hugely expensive one. 

ETA l just saw your update, but l have to say l’m no clearer, except that l worry a bit about his seeming confusion and unsureness . Idk OP but l reckon it’s time you started to step up a bit in assertion terms and ask for and expect some answers regarding the future. 

Post # 94
1565 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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gagal2016 :  I actually was in the exact same position as you and expressed at the time that I wasn’t sure I’d want my BF at the time joining family beach vacation in August f we weren’t engaged (he had come the 2 years prior). Can’t recall if I told him or not…I’d kind of been hinting that if he didn’t propose by my 30th in October, I’d be re-evaluating. Luckily, he proposed in June and neither one of those was an issue. Fingers crossed for you Bee!

Post # 95
2090 posts
Buzzing bee

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gagal2016 :  to me it seems like since you’ve already assumed the role of a caregiver, it doesn’t get anymore “wifely” than that! I don’t see how a grown man could allow himself to be taken care of by a woman who expects nothing from him but his loyalty, love, and commitment and not give it to her with full thrill and enthusiasm. You truly sound like a wonderful woman, and you should do whatever it takes to “self preserve”, as you call it lol. Take a damn vacation without him BEFORE September. Let him see how it feels to function in life for a little while without you. I’m annoyed that someone called you a snob, as you sound genuinely selfless. 


I hope he gives you that proposal soon. If you’re taking care of him in the capacity that you’ve described here, you are more than deserving of it. 

Post # 96
68 posts
Worker bee

I can see things from your perspective, but I can also see them from his too. You value being engaged before you move in together? Okay, but HE values having his house sorted out before he proposes. Both of those are things that are understandable. It sounds like he’d be happy for you to move in before you were engaged, and you’d be happy to be engaged before the house was finished, so you just disagree with each other on those points, but what he values isn’t any more or less important or doesn’t make any more or less sense that what you value.

Personally, if I was ready to move in with someone, and I was in the process of getting my house renovated – an expensive, time-sucking process – and they said, “I won’t move in with you until we’re engaged,” and I thought, “Ok, fair enough, but I want to get my house sorted first before we get engaged”, and I communicated that to them, and they understood, and then suddenly I was disinvited to a family vacation I was invited to two years ago, I’d be so confused and hurt. 

Neither of you are in the wrong or right here. You just have different perspectives, values and ideas for a “right” timeline for when things “should’ be done. I don’t think he’s stringing you along at all! Watch literally ANY home renovation or building TV show and you will see why the idea of being able to give someone a magic date that things will all be done by is a fantasy. Things always take way longer than expected and unless it’s very close to the end of the process, he’s not going to be able to give you a finish date, he’s just not! If he gave you one, it would just be a guess, and then there’s a good chance you’d be back here complaining that he broke your trust by telling you it would be done by X and then it wasn’t. Get mad at him and start wondering if he’s stringing you along when the house is done and he hasn’t popped the question. Until then, chill out! Five years really isn’t that long a time when you’re in your mid twenties. Stop thinking in terms of what other people think, and just trust where you both are in YOUR relationship.

Also, can we burn the myth that the woman has no agency in her own future to the ground? A woman doesn’t just have to sit there and wait with no say and everything happens on his timeline and that’s just how things are. If it’s not working for you, change it. Do something. Propose to him. Be blunt with him about the date YOU need to be engaged by. Tell him your mental health surrounding this is so bad you’re thinking of excluding him from a holiday he’s invited to. There are lots of ways you can get a say.

Post # 97
4298 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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gagal2016 :  Several things:

1. You don’t want to go with your SO if you aren’t engaged because of the questions that may come up, but . . . won’t there be MORE questions if you suddenly show up alone? That, to me, implies there are problems in the relationship and you’re sure to get more questions. Also, just because SO isn’t there, do you magically think people are going to forget he exists? Those asking questions will still ask them regardless of his attendance or not. 

2. You can’t put your life on hold until you’re engaged. Life is going to keep going and there’s going to be more events that will come up. Are you just going to put your foot down and say that you don’t want to attend anything together anymore as a couple until there is a ring on your finger? Because that’s incredibly extreme. 

3. You know you aren’t obligated to answer questions you don’t want to, right? If someone asks when you’re getting married, saying, “You know, that’s kind of private and I don’t feel like discussing it further” is a perfectly acceptable response. And I wager if you answer like that the news will spread you don’t want to be asked. 

4. Also, you care WAYYYYYY too much what your family thinks or what other people *may* think. You’re allowing way too many outside opinions into your head which is manifesting in resentment. Your mom won’t be “all about” your relationship after five years without a ring? Tell your mom to go kick rocks, it’s none of her business. 

Have you had an honest conversation with your SO? Have you stated your concerns and allowed him time to process and provide an aswer you’re happy with? If you have tried several times and he’s always pushing the conversation off, then sure, I’d say you may have a problem. But otherwise, I always say it’s better to state your expectations clearly and see where your SO is thinking. 

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