Post # 1
Even though this is my first post, I have been on this site quite often in the past two months looking at the long distance boards and taking solace in the fact that so many others are going through a situation similar to mine. That being said…here is my problem/vent.
I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for over a year and a half, but have been close friends with him for the past five years. Even though we lived in the same city for 3.5 years, we did not start dating until after he moved to the west coast for work (I am in the midwest). We see each other usually every three to four weeks, alternating each time who does the traveling. I have no doubt in my mind I want to be with him, and we have talked about marriage being a certainty. I told my family that he and I were dating after we officially became a couple and the only thing my mother had to say was “well. how do you suppose to date someone 2000 miles away? seems stupid to me.” And she has never brought it up again other than to question who pays for the plane tickets. My father seems supportive but doesn’t ask me any questions about the Boyfriend or Best Friend. My older sister is single (and always has been) and gets so insanely jealous when I have guys around that she refuses to talk to me if I am in a relationship (I will also say that my family is very conservative and dating is not looked upon well, especially when the dates are un-supervised).
I hate my job and would like to quit. I am underpaid, overworked and in an industry that I don’t know anything about and have no interest in. BF owns his house, has two cars, and has a job that he loves and expresses daily he wants me to live with him and look for a job there and he will financially take care of me until I get a job so I don’t have to burn through my savings. I am cautious for obvious reasons (ie 2000 miles is a long way to move for someone I haven’t dated for that long) but I think it’s the best way for my life to proceed. I am 29 years old, Boyfriend or Best Friend is 31, we want to get married and start a life. My family has basically disowned me because they disagree with my decision. I havent quit my job here yet, but I want to before the year is up. Anyone have thoughts on how to repair my family situation? Or maybe I shouldn’t move because it’s too big of a risk? I feel so overwhelmed and alone on this. 🙁
Post # 3
Honestly, I don’t know if I would move in togther and be completely dependant on him if you don’t have a job. I would start looking for a job out there yourself and maybe consider getting your own place to start. Being together after long distance is tough, it might be easier to take it a step at a time instead of jumping into living together.
As for your family, they are probably worried about your well being even if they aren’t going about it the right way. I hope things get better with time.
Post # 4
I also will clarify: I will quit my job regardless of if I’m moving or not. And if I do move out west, I would absolutely get a part time job (until I find a full time one) so I have my own money. I would be very uncomfortable living off of BF’s money. I would pay him some rent and pay for my own car insurance and then we would contribute the same percentage of our paychecks into a joint account for expenses (groceries, entertainment, etc.).
Post # 5
if you truely know this person and trust him, if he is a good person who is being honest and as long as you always have an “out” plan (funds) then go for it – you have to live your life for yourself and not how other people think you should. sometimes you have to take a risk to be happy – at least this way you wont be wondering “what if” while youre sitting at home with the family in your 40’s with the cat because you werent brave enough to take a chance
Post # 6
There is nothing wrong with moving out there to be with your bf, but absolutely, positively, find a job first. Under no circumstances should you move out there until you have a full-time position established. Part time work isn’t as easy to come by as it used to be, education or not, so you can’t exactly count on that to get you by while you search for a full-time job. Apply for jobs, interview while you are visiting him, but do not commit to moving until you have a job. As someone who did just the opposite, you can trust me on this. Best of luck!
Post # 7
I don’t know you or your bf or the situation, obviously, but to me it is a huge red-flag when your WHOLE family doesn’t approve of you moving. It doesn’t sound like your family has even met your bf? If they *have* met him, them perhaps they are disapproving due to a character trait of his which you may not admit to, which would be serious. If they have not met him, then perhaps they need to get to know him in order to feel comfortable with “entrusting” you to him, and I think that you should put having them get to know him on the top of your priorities while he is in town! Or, in either possible situation, perhaps your family also has some legitimate concerns about your or your relationship personally (for example, perhaps you have a history of unhealthy emotional attachments, and they see this in your current relationship or something like that.)
Post # 8
Meh. You’re the only one who can decide/know what feels right. I moved in with my now husband after dating for only 3 months. I quit my job full-time job shortly after (assuming I could find something quickly when we came back from our first international trip together) and then the economy collapsed (how had I not seen that one coming?!?). So, I was mostly unemployed and living off my bf of 5 months. I wonder what his parents thought about that…. Moral of the story: by all appearances, our courtship was nuts and in normal circumstances I would have judged the hell out of someone in our circumstance. At that point I learned a lot about judging other people and about trusting what felt right to me. We got engaged at 10 months of dating, married on our 2nd anniversary and just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary. If it feels right for you and you have no significant doubt (plus some savings, hopefully), I say go for it. Also, your family needs to grow up. My family is Mormon and super conservative, but they’ve stood by me throughout all my shenanigans. Hopefully you can get to that point with your family, too, although it will probably be very difficult. I know how it can be…
Post # 9
I think you should allow your family to get to know your Boyfriend or Best Friend and let them get comfortable with the idea of your relationship before you make a move. But with that said, you’re 29 though, so if you are comfortable making a move, then you should listen to your heart. If you already talked about getting married..maybe you can considered getting engaged before you move? I think your parents would be more perceptive of that.
Post # 10
I think its unfortunate that your family is so unsupportive, but they are (hopefully) just looking out for the best for you, except maybe your jealous sister. I think you you are old enough to just go ahead and do what you feel right. I would look for full time job before moving out there, but you also said you have savings to fall back on… so at worse things don’t work out, and you move on and go back home to explore other options. You never know until you try, and if this is what you want to go for… I say do it! You hate your job now, so its not exactly a risk of losing that, so I think risks are pretty low.
Post # 11
They have met him, my sister doesn’t like anyone I date, and my parents like him lots as a person. My father doesnt want me to move because I am the closest to him out of my sister or mother and I think he doesnt like the thought of me moving away. But he openly realizes I am not going anywhere in my job and need a life change. My mother doesn’t like Boyfriend or Best Friend because she doesn’t think he has enough education (I have an MA and an MBA and education is wildly important to my parents, they are both PhD’s). She sees me as “throwing” my life away to someone in her eyes is undeserving because he chose not to pursue advanced degrees. For the record I do not think that AT ALL and it has driven a huge rift between my mother and I that she is so closed minded about the education thing. i am continuing to try to take him home to my parents each time he is back here hoping that each time they will see what I see in him.
Post # 12
I agree with the PP who said try to find a job out there first and maybe get your own place if possible. I think it’s very tough on a relationship when you move to be with someone, and they are the only thing you have going on. I would look at it this way, if by some chance it DIDN’T work out with your boyfriend, would you still be happy you moved to the new location and consider it a good decision. If your answer is yes then go for it.
Post # 13
I you think it is the right move, go for it. But do not quit your job/move until you find a new one out there first. In this economy, you do not want to be jobless because it is always easier to find a new job while you currently have a job and are employed.
Post # 14
I think you should do it, but definitely try to find some type of work before you move. It sounds like your family will never be happy with anyone you date (maybe your dad) and even though it will suck that you are that far away, you need to live your own life
Post # 15
@red_rose: I don’t think her family not liking him is a red flag, especially since he seems to be a nice guy with good values (from what we’ve read, and it looks like the family does like him as a person). I have seen so many posts on here were families hate the SO for apparently no reason. Before I came here, I would have thought the same thing, and would never ever date someone my family doesn’t like. But, it seems that I am in the minority, because every day there is a new post on the Bee about despicable behavior from family members. It has actually surprised me a lot, but of course, you don’t see the whole picture, and it very well could be a good reason they feel that way
Post # 16
if you’ve tried the long distance thing and decided that you really can’t stand to be that far for him, it could be time for a change. plus, if this is going to lead you to a career you like, then it makes it a good career choice, too, as long as you CAN find a job. as for your family, what if you were to start out not living with him? would that change their minds, or is it just the distance that’s bothering them? is your family going to completely cut communication over this thing?