Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2017 - Backyard on a lake at FI\'s grandmother\'s house
Just a little background on us. We are 24 and 26 years old. We met in college and graduated in 2015. We’ve been together a little over 3 years.
We’ve been living together for about a year and a half. We got engaged in December 2015 amd are planning at June 20I7 wedding. I am employed full time and Fiance is a long-term substitute teacher, currently looking for a permanent position.
We have been actively planning the wedding for about 3 months now. We’ve put down deposits on a tent, tables, and chairs and also a DJ. Engagement photos have been done and save the dates have been sent out.
Our families have thought and expressed from the beginning that they felt we weren’t ready to get married. We have little money and are relying heavily on family contributions for the event. They feel that since we cannot contribute much financially to the event that that is a sign we should not be getting married. They also feel that my fiance’s lack of full time employment is also a good reason to wait at least another year or more. They’ve told us that they aren’t excited for the event, but will help us with it if we decide to proceed with the June 2017 date.
Our families constantly tell us they want us to “have put ducks in a row” before getting married. My response to that is when are anyone’s duck ever all in a row? There are always a few wandering about, lost and confused. There will always be and are challenges and things to figure out in life.
We have our own place, responsibilities, bills, careers, and a dog. Money is tight, but we’ve learned to budget and work with what we have. How many more ducks must be in a row before it’s “ok to get married”?
Our relationship has been anything but easy, but we’ve always gotten through every challenge life has thrown at us so far. We’ve seen each other at our worst and our best. We know that we want to be married. It’s just a matter of when. Our families have acknowledge this as well, but still they think it best to postpone the event.
My fiancé and I are feeling really upset and confused. Has anyone else ran into a similar issue? Any advise is appreciated.
Post # 2
Honestly, I would plan an event you can afford by yourself. Either by waiting longer or having a much smaller wedding.
I was with my husband 8 years before we got married because it was important to us to own a house first and be able to afford the wedding we wanted without relying on anybody else.
Are your families concerned that you aren’t ready to get married or do they just think it’s irresponsible to throw a wedding you can’t afford when money is tight for you so they have to pay for it? If my son was struggling with money I would be more than happy to help him out but would not be impressed if he wanted to spend it all on a wedding.
Post # 3
We had to postpone because Fiance lost his job, and we couldn’t pay bills, let alone pay for our small wedding. We lost a lot of money canceling deposits.
But, it sounds like you guys are making things work financially and paying bills, etc. Since that’s the case, I’d say it’s fine to go ahead with the wedding as planned. Maybe just reassure the parents that even though things are tight, you are “taking care of business” and are able to pay all bills. It’s not like you’re in a situation where you can’t.
Post # 4
I’m sure their lack of excitement is disheartening. If you want to get married and feel ready, you should. It doesn’t cost much to get married…it’s the party and hoopla that gets you.
Do you get the feeling they think you aren’t ready bc you can’t afford to pay for the wedding unaided or because of your basic life situation?
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I don’t think you should be relying on family to pay for a party. You can have a small, lovely wedding for not much – courthouse ceremony and then take close family and friends to a nice restaurant for dinner. You don’t need a DJ, tent, loads of people and a huge party to be married. I think your family is right in this case – I would either scale down or postpone.
Post # 6
My Fiance and I are recent graduates, he has a good job but I am still looking. But we are very sure of ourselves in getting married. In many relationships one person doesn’t work full time so that in itself is not a reason to delay marriage. If you feel you are mature enough and able to support yourselves and be independent, by all means get married. Perhaps all this is stemming from the wedding. My Fiance and I did plan a wedding we could afford ourselves. We ended up getting parental contributions that cover about half, but we could have managed without that and the contributions were totally voluntary. Do you think maybe your families felt forced into giving money for the wedding?
If they keep bringing this up you could sit down with them and explain why you are ready to be married. Tell them a 5 year plan, your budget etc. Be the model of maturity and calm. If they don’t respond to that, you’ll just have to push through and hope they come around by witnessing your maturity in action.
Post # 7
I was waiting until my then BF and I had all our ducks in a row. He just graduated last year and was looking for a job. I’m in finance so I calculated how much we need to earn and save before we can get married (and save separately for the wedding). We want to pay for our wedding and we want to be financially relaxed before upping our relationship.
I was really disheartened because his job prospects were poor and the salary of the jobs that were available were offering less than half than what he needs. Nonetheless, I supported his job search and urged him to apply for jobs he would love and not think of the salary now (my salary can support the both of us).
The wind blew the other way and he got a job that’s paying quite well. Eventhough it’s not exactly the job he was looking for, he’s enjoying his work now.
We got engaged recently and are planning on paying for all the needed stuff for an intimate wedding and ask “sponsorships” for the wants (band, open bar etc.).
Don’t lose hope, the both of you will get there. Asking your family for help in the wedding is not a bad either. And in the end, it will be up to you and your fiancé when you will tie the knot. But if you do decide to wait a little longer, don’t stress out.Things will end up perfectly in the right time. My suggestion is to have a simple civil rites ceremony for now and then hold a bigger wedding once you are more financially secure.
Post # 8
If money is tight and you are relying heavily on family to pay for your wedding, then you have not learned to work with what you have. Sorry, but that is the truth.
What do you estimate the entire affair will cost?
Post # 9
I disagree you have learned to “work with what you have” if you are relying, in your own words, “heavily” on family to pay for what is a *party*.
You can get married for $100-$250 as all you need is a license and officiant. Yes, some people do have lifelong financial struggles but this “well, other people are always wandering and lost too” does not show much personal responsibility. Sure there are always challenges in life, but it is perfectly possible to get your ducks in a row so you can face those challenges as a team without being one paycheque away from financial ruin. One good way to do that right now is to focus on savings, not engagement photos and DJs.
I bet your family would be a lot more supportive if you were making a choice to get married based on what YOU have, not what they do.
Post # 10
I agree with you! When I first read the post I was expecting to see you were really young but mid 20’s, living together and in jobs is not a problem. You dont need lots of money to get married and it sounds like the two of you have been ready a while. Please dont postpone your life for your parents to come around to the idea. If their problem is with lending money, then plan a small wedding that the two of you can afford . Im sorry that your family arent excited, I wonder if they are just hesitant to see their daughter grow up.
For the record you seem to have more of your ducks in order than my husband and I! We dont have our own place, we always have to rent as we move internationally for my husbands postdocs and jobs .I dont have a career because our life is so unstable with moving (I hop from job to new job every year). We have now been doing this for 6 years and we are happy and still as in love now as we were then. Your parents seem to have this fixed idea of what marriage means. Marriage doesnt mean that you have to have the house, white picket fence, amazing careers and children on the way, it just means that you love each other and want to be together whatever your future holds!
Post # 11
You can get married now, just pay for it 100% by yourselves. There is no reason to ask family for ANY money. If you can not afford to get married without any money from family, then yes, you must wait.
Post # 12
Sorry OP. I’m in agreement with all other PPs. If you could not afford a wedding without assistance then you should not have a wedding/reception. When Fiance and I got engged we made a budget and a plan for a wedding that him and I could afford together without any assistance from my parents. Both of our parents generously offered to contribute to our wedding which we have excepted but we could have moved forward without them.
I’m not saying that if you don’t have the finances for a wedding then you should not get married but in that case have a small courthouse wedding and go out to dinner. No need to have a huge party unless you can DIY enough to make it affordable.
Post # 13
It really sounds like they are just bitter about paying for the majority of your wedding. Did they agree to pay for so much? Have costs started to get higher than anticipated? Had you agreed to contribute more originally?
I agree with other bees that you should just have a wedding that you can afford, or even one you can at least cover half of so your family feels better about the division of spending…maybe they are just feeling taken advantage of.
Post # 14
Ditto most everyone else. The only requirement to get married is the cost of a licence, an officiant, and two willing people to get married. Everything else is just fluff. If you have no savings and are using money from others for things like a DJ, that’s showing a lack of understanding of financial responsibility. You can be married now if you want and struggle together (other people do it, but I doubt most aspired to do it that way), but then do it with in your means. The fact of the matter is, not everyone is entitled to the fluff. The average wedding costs something like 30,000 dollars and has your stereotypical dress, venue, dinner, decor, DJ. But if you don’t make the average salary and have the average savings, you don’t get the average wedding. That’s life. I may want a Lexus, but I make the used Honda money. And if you are spending significantly less than average and still have to be heavily reliant on other people’s money to make that happen then you definitely need to re- examine your financial picture. Either save up for the wedding you want later (as well as save for life in general) or have the wedding you can afford now.
Post # 15
I think that you might have another problem here – do you think your parents support the idea of you getting married at all/to this person? I know that, in my last relationship when I was about your age, my family may have encouraged me to wait and “get all of my ducks in a row” before getting married, but that wasn’t because they were concerned about how we would pay for a wedding. They were concerned about me getting married at that point in life/to that person. Where I stand now – professionally, financially, and choice of partner – they want to pretty much pay for the whole shebang. But that comes from support of the MARRIAGE as a whole.
Do they think you aren’t ready for marriage because you can’t afford a wedding? Or that you aren’t ready for marriage because of your financial situation in general? Or because they aren’t supportive of the relationship you are in? I think it’s important to figure out which one of those it is before you decided to go forward.
How would they react if you just said you would go to the courthouse and declined their financial help – would that alleviate their fears? Or is it something beyond that they are concerned about?
I will entirely admit that we definitely couldn’t afford the wedding we will have on our own. Well, we could but I don’t think that is how we would choose to spend that money. We’d definitely do something smaller and cheaper if we didn’t have family financial help. However, we both have good jobs and can support ourselves just fine without asisstance. But our parents want a party, and they want to pay for the majority of it, and we have decided that we are happy to accept their generous gift because it also comes with support for and approval of our marriage.