(Closed) Family wedding drama

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think you are over reacting a little. This is her wedding and this is the way she wants it to be. If she didn’t tell you what happened last week, maybe she was still finalizing it, but I don’t think that you should be upset by it, because this is her day and this is how she invisioned it to be.

There will be a lot of drama she has to deal with and there is no need for you to add to it. I am sure she considers you close and whether or not if she had a ranking system or whatever the case may be. No one should think they will be a bridesmaid and most certainly I cannot understand why someone would make the bride feel bad for not having them as one. Picking bridesmaids is not an easy decision and sometimes people who are important aren’t always included for various reasons but none should offend you.

Bottom line is, whether or not you are in her wedding party or knew of all her wedding plans, isn’t a measure of respect. I am sure she has a lot going on and didn’t want to tell everyone until it was finalize. Sometimes people tend to forget how many questions a bride has to answer, most of the time it is the same question from a million different people. Some people just prefer to tell everyone all at once so they don’t need to repeat or just make it easier on themselves.

 just my 2 cents because as a bride, i know how overwhelming planning a wedding can be and sometimes it drives me crazy to tell the same details of the wedding to so many people at once that I just want to put it on the website so everyone can read it and makes my life a lot easier. 

 hope you feel better about the whole thing. I am sure she will need a lot of help in different aspects of her wedding and if you two are close, I am sure she would appreicate any help you can give her.

 

Post # 4
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

When I originally settled on my wedding plans, I decided to email my large family to find out who would be able to attend. Rather than trying to message everyone individually, I asked my aunt (who keeps track of everyone’s email addresses) if she would send a message to all the relatives on my behalf. My plan was to email my mother IMMEDIATELY AFTER I emailed my aunt so that my mother wouldn’t feel left out.

Needless to say my plan failed.

Some distraction came up at work and by the time I realized I hadn’t emailed my mother, she had already responded to me saying how hurt she was that she had to find out about my wedding plans from my aunt. It was a completely airheaded oversight on my part but the fact that my mother thought she was overlooked left me feeling HORRIBLE.

Long story short, from what you describe, it sounds to me like your SIL might have made the same gaffe I did. She probably wanted to inform as many people as possible about her wedding plans and had NO idea that she would offend anyone when she posted them on Facebook. I can understand feeling hurt that you weren’t personally notified but try and see it from her side — maybe she meant well but just didn’t realize she was leaving you out? Hope this helps!

Post # 5
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Hi Doris,

Sure you have the right to feel hurt!  They are your feelings. Who’sto tell you how to feel?

This is always a tricky area in planning weddings.  Without really knowing the family dynamics here, I’ll say she should have at least told you about the wedding party, before the facebook "unveiling".  It comes across as if you never crossed their minds.  The better move would have been to call you and tell you how she would have wanted to have you in the wedding, but had to cut it at three.  At least then you would know she was thinking of you.  And it seems like she lied to you about it.  Which comes across like it was not simply an oversight.  (Maybe she knew it would hurt your feelings and didn’t know what to say.)  But can any of us say we didn’t do something that was improper or step on toes in planning our weddings?  Sometimes it happens when we don’t know it, mean it, or want it to.  Look at honeypants story. 

So this is your husband’s sister and he’s not in the wedding?  Was he thinking he would be?  Was the SIL in your wedding?  I can see hurt feelings when there isn’t a reciprocation.  However, everyone’s family and friend situation, as well as wedding logistics can’t always allow the reciprocation.

As for the other SIL, I think in most cases, IMO, she should have either had both or neither of you.  But maybe there’s more to it than that.  If her other SIL is living close to her, could she have a better relationship with her.  I mean like another bff relationship?  The fact that you live in another state might allow you to let her off the hook, for picking her over you.  

I know a lot of brides will say that it is her wedding she chose who she wanted, and give her a break.  But to be honest I don’t always see it that way.  Since she was going to have one SIL, she might have thought it would be wise to foster a good SIL relationship by asking you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, as well.  Sometimes brides are smart to think about the big picture and not just themselves.  Being family, she might find that as life goes on she will spend more time with you, her family, than with her girlfriends.  Friends get caught up with their own marriages and families.  Sometimes they drift apart or visit much less frequently.  But families will always be anchored by holidays and family celebrations etc.   (With that said, I don’t think she should go crazy with BMs just to make everyone happy.  Nor do I think that family always trumps friends.  I’m just saying in this case, she might have either said no to both, or had one extra Bridesmaid or Best Man.)

I back up your feelings, but try to let her off the hook. Take sometime to cool off and come around.  Then get back to the relationship you had before.  At this point, you probably wouldn’t want to be in her wedding anyway.  You’d know she was doing it just to appease you.  I ‘d hate to see one day, cause a lifetime of strain between you. 

 

Post # 6
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Its her wedding and she can pick who she wants. Sorry to be blunt about it- but get over it. I would love to have 10 bridesmaids but because I can only have 2 I have to picand choose- and none of them are family or soon to be family. You had no reason to expect her to choose you just because you are the sister-in-law. She has known other people longer than you or had closer relationships- it doesn’t mean you aren’t important, it just means she had to cut off the number somewhere and you didn’t make the cut.

I would be really annoyed if someone confronted me about them not being in my wedding, so I apologize if anything I said offended you but I am thinking about it through my perspective

Post # 7
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

I understand how you feel hurt and of course you have every right to feel that way.  But possibly, your hurt comes from your expectations.  I’m not saying i wouldn’t feel the way you do, but I think I’d try to let it go.  Maybe what makes no sense to you makes perfect sense to the bride.  Things get so overwhelming at times that maybe she didn’t really sit down and think about your feelings or how it would make you feel.

Even with this, there are tons of stories where the greatest supporter/help a bride has gotten was from someone who was not their moh/bm. 

Post # 8
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

By other sister in law do you mean the brides sister? That makes sense to me…

 

I’m not going to tell you not to feel hurt but I wouldn’t have confronted the bride.  She chose her wedding party based on who was there for her based on distance, family, friends etc.  I woudln’t include my brother’s wife in my wedding and we’re really quite close too.  My Maid/Matron of Honor is my best friend since kindergarten who happens to live 15 minutes from me.  My sister lives 2 hours and is just a bridesmaid.

 

Post # 9
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2007 - a beautiful church and hotel reception

I agree with what most people said… yes, obviously you can’t help feeling hurt.  But at the same time the bride did apoligize to you,and whether or not you choose to accept it fuly is your decision.

I wouldn’t use logic to try to understand things, because a huge chunk of wedding planning is based on emotions–and sometimes unexplained emotions. Even for someone who considers themself as unemotional, my wedding planning was filled with sudden emotions!

I also kind of know what it feels like to leave out of town guests out of the picture, mostly because I just felt like it would be an inconvenience for them.  Actually, especially when it came to family, because I assumed that family would understand & love me unconditionally. (maybe it’s not right to assume that though.. hehe)

I do hope that you try to be as sympathetic to her as much as possible, even though you’re hurt in the process. It’s a very emotional time for a bride, and I remember driving myself crazy trying to apoligize for all these people’s hurt feelings and etc. It was really hard to do that while trying to plan the biggest event of your life!

Post # 10
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

So sorry this hurt your feelings, but I have to add this in.  I don’t do Facebook b/c I keep certain parts of my life private.  Because of issues like this.  She didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but she did by posting something publicly that should have been discussed privately maybe face to face or on a phone call.

It is her wedding, but it is somewhat insensitive to have her do that on facebook.  I’m sorry that hurt you. 

Post # 11
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I also agree with most of the other posters.

While you have the right to feel how you feel, please try to understand that it’s a stressful time for a bride.  Confronting her probably made her feel terrible… as evidenced by her trying to rationalize the situation to you and apologize! 

I would probably end up getting mad at someone who tried to confront me in that situation.  For myself, I didn’t want to announce who my bridesmaids were until they had all been confirmed.  And once things were finalized, I definitely didn’t have time to personally inform friends who thought they might have been a Bridesmaid or Best Man but didn’t make the cut. And to have to be made to feel guilty about it?  On top of all the other wedding stress?  Not cool.  

Again, like the other posters have already said, her oversight might have been due to a number of factors.  It’s not fair to assume she’s disrespecting you because of this snafu.  My advice is to let these situations roll off your back if you can, and give people the benefit of the doubt.  Things will be much more drama-free if you do that.  Just my 2 cents. 

Good luck.  Be kind to her… it’s a stressful time and she is family, after all.  Hope that you smooth things over with your SIL!

Post # 12
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Doris – I understand that you are hurt, but please don’t be. Choosing bridesmaids, groomsmens, etc are very hard choices to make! I’m sure that if she could, she’d have a HUGE bridal party, but she can’t.. she is limited and she made her decision.

I know when I picked my Bridesmaid or Best Man, I took location into consideration. Being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is hard work! Maybe since you lived farther away, she did not want to inconvenience you with dress shopping, fittings, showers, parties, etc. My Maid/Matron of Honor is my sister (who lives 6 hrs away), and I hardly ever see her! She’s not around for any of my fittings, shopping, or random wedding related stuff! But I have 4 other BMs that are closer to me that are there for me. 

Please, do not be offended or hurt. Do you really expect her to call each and every one of her friends or family to tell them they are not in the wedding? Or tell everyone who IS in the wedding? I think not.. She told you when she gave you her wedding link.

Maybe she’ll need your help with other things. Maybe she’ll have you do a reading? I don’t know, but just know that her choices were not easy ones to make. Don’t give her a hard time about it. Just be a great SIL and celebrate with her.

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