(Closed) Family Won't Accept our Age Difference

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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throwawaybee9876 :  I don’t really have any advice I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this and it seems very unfair especially because he’s only 2 years younger than your ex husband who they were OK with (?). I wouldn’t love it if my mom dated a guy 20 years younger than her, but I wouldn’t shut her out because of it.

My husband is 14 years older than I am and I feel very lucky my family was accepting, it just so happens it’s the same age difference my parents had.

And congrats by the way!! Feel free to share your joy here. We love ring pics 😉

Post # 3
Member
2175 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If my parents divorced and my mother found love with someone 15 years her junior I would be nothing but happy for her.  If she found love with someone 40 years her junior I’d be nothing but happy for her.  Basically as long as the guy was past the legal age of consent I’m cool.  She’s an adult capable of making her own decisions, what do I care if she wants to marry a younger man?

I think both your daughter and your mother are being incredibly selfish.  This isn’t about them.  I’m sorry they’re ruining this for you, but congratulations on your engagement and I hope they come around!

Post # 4
Member
685 posts
Busy bee

Congratulations on your engagement.

I’m trying to understand your history and why they would be upset over this. Why did your last marriage end in divorce?  Was age an issue?  I’m guessing that your ex-husband is not your daughter’s father.  How long have you dated your FI?  Maybe they need more time to accept him.

Post # 5
Member
7239 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I have a feeling that they would have no issues with you dating a man who was 15 years older than you which means they are simply being judgemental based on their own discomfort. It’s disappointing and hurtful and also petty.

I’m not sure what to tell you but I hope they come around and give your guy an opportunity to prove himself to them. It’s really hard to start a marriage like this and, like you said, they’ve already done some damage that needs to be addressed.

Good luck and yes, please share pictures of you and your love/ your ring/ whatever so we can celebrate with you.

Post # 6
Member
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Maybe your daughter feels intimidated by having a future stepparent so close in age to her. Just my take from her possible prespective. 

Either way I think they will both come around hopefully and you can have a stronger loving relationship with your family again. Congrats on your engagement! 😊

Fwiw; my parents had a 15 yr age gap and my mother was older. Since their divorce, my father is with someone closer in age to him. But if my mom wanted to date someone younger than her again, I would be ok with it. As long as she’s happy. Hopefully your daughter realizes that herself. 

Post # 7
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

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waiting2bee :  I tend to concur.  Did you prior relationship end badly?  Was it an age related issue?  I don’t want to be negative, but I wonder if they are leary only because they are afraid that you will end up in a similar position?  I can’t imagine that they simply don’t want to see you happy.  I will admit that I have expressed concern over a friend’s relationship because of certain things that I considered to be red flags.  She had a habit of dating or being interested in guys who were married, but separated and her current husband was in the same position when she met him.  He later divorced, she married him anyway and 15 years later they are still married.  She has admitted that some red flags were warranted and they’ve had their issues, but I dropped it after she said “I do.”   I don’t think I would consider not talking to someone or shutting them out, but hopefully it is a temporary response.  I’m sorry that this is happening at a time when you want to share your joy with the world, but at least we are here for you!  I wish you every happiness. 

Post # 8
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I don’t think I would be upset about my mum getting married to someone who was 15 years younger than her. Considering my mum had me at 22, that would put someone definitely closer to me in age. However, I would be upset if she got engaged and I hadn’t met them. You don’t say how long you’ve been dating, so if it’s quick I’d worry about her rushing into something. If it was a whole I would wonder why he hadn’t made the effort to meet me yet. If I then searched this guy on Facebook and I reacted to his age it wouldn’t be the real reason I was upset. I don’t live near my mum but I’d expect her new partner to “meet me” via Skype or FaceTime before proposing to her. So could that be a factor in why they’re upset? There’s a step up from its getting serious to coming back from holiday engaged.

Its not an excuse for their behaviour but in that situation I could see why they are picking at things they don’t like to make them feel better about not being involved. 

Post # 9
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

The thing is, I do kind of get where your daughter is coming from. If my mom wanted to date someone my age, I’d be more than a little skeeved out by the concept.

But, the thing is, a 15 year difference is a good chunk but it’s not, in my opinion, completely out of the range of acceptability. They’re giving you the silent treatment and it seems totally unwarranted based on the information you have given us. I don’t know that there’s anything you can do other than reach out and say “I love Fiance and it hurts that you would cut me out of your life over him even though you have never met him or seen us together. I understand if you need time, but I love you and miss having you in my life.”

Another thing to consider: do they maybe think that your relationship is moving too fast? In addition to the age factor, this might be enough to have pushed them over the edge. Just from your post, it sounds like from their perspective you went from “I’m dating someone but it’s not serious” to “Me and this 25-year-old you’ve never heard of are engaged!!!!!!”

Post # 10
Member
477 posts
Helper bee

That’s really rude. They can’t just ignore you because you’re in love and trying to be happy, what the fuck.. I don’t have any advice, I just want to say you did nothing wrong and your family is behaving unreasonably. You should have organised a meet up at some point, if it was so serious, but that is not something I would ignore my mother for! Hang in there!

Post # 11
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

age gaps in general dont bother me and I do think its agist to judge love based on date of birth, we have always had large ones in our family and 13-15 years is pretty normal age gap.

however I totally see your daughter point here, I would never date someone who was nearly my childs age – that is the creepy bit too me, if you where dating 15 years younger and your child was a child giving a 10-15 year gap between them or the person is 15 years older then go to town and knock yourself out but to only have a few years between daughter and husband is really, really wierd – its not the age gap between you and him, its the age gap between him and her that makes it bizzare, yes its your relationship but you child is the longest/biggest relationship you will ever have

Post # 12
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

It’s unfortunate that your mother and daughter are behaving this way. Based on what you’ve shared, your mother and daughter are being unreasonable. Sure having a mother that dates men closer to your age may be a bit uncomfortable, but that’s her issue and shouldn’t be taken out on you. What’s really confusing to me is why your mother is so upset. All I can suggest is give them time, but don’t let their judgy behavior steal your happiness.

Post # 13
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

seems really unfair to you. Everybody will have opinions, but why can’t they keep opinions to themselves and just be happy for you? I’ll never understand why people want to ruin people’s happiness just because they don’t agree…

I don’t have any solid advice for you but if I were you I’d just go ahead and marry this guy if he’s perfect for you. Age difference does not matter. My Fiance is 5 years older and although this isn’t a large difference compared to yours, people around us seem to think so, but I don’t care because he’s stable mentally and financially AND he understands me as if we are same age! So I get best of both worlds. 

Your mother and daughter will live their own lives. You will live yours. Honestly, ask them how would they feel if they are going through this (your daughter likes a man 20 years her senior, your mother likes a man 20 years her junior) and you did the same to them?

 

Post # 14
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

There seems like there is more to this. They were fine with a 13 year age gap, but not 15? 

Post # 15
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

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throwawaybee9876 :  

There is a lot missing from this story…do you have a good job, does he have a good job? Does he have any kids? How long have you been with him? You said he is from another culture – is he a citizen of the country you live in? (sorry, I am envisioning Mohammed and Danielle from 90 Day Fiance) …I have a friend that is living with a guy that is 14 years younger than her and when she told me, I kind of raised an eyebrow, but after meeting him, you really wouldn’t know the age gap unless someone told you…she acts and looks younger…he acts and looks older (not so good for him…LOL) …what are your current ages? I think age differences matter more at certain ages – for example – an 18 year old guy with a 33 year old woman would make me pause more than a 40 year old man and a 55 year old woman…

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