Post # 1
I’m in a bit of a strange situation and I’d like to get people’s opinion on this. To begin, I’m a young bride to be. I’m 22 and I just graduated with my BA, my Fiance is 21 and about to graduate with his BS next year. If I had the choice, I’d just elope, but both sets of parents want a real wedding. I come from really humble means, but my FI’s parents are well off. His parents are paying for 100% of the wedding because if it were up to us we would just elope and end with dinner at a nice restaurant. My boyfriend and I live in Boston and it seemed appropriate to get married here. His parents already decided on an incredibly expensive 5 star hotel for the ceremony and reception (costing a minimum of $25,000 in venue fees and food). They’ve also set aside an extra $30,000 for all other wedding costs minus the dress (the wedding will only be for 50-60 people). I feel so gracious and lucky to be able to have such an extravagant wedding, but I’m also starting to feel like my family will feel intimidated by how expensive the wedding and venue is. I’m particularly worried about the hotel rooms. The remaining $30,000 can and will go towards my immediate family’s hotel rooms because there is no way my family could afford any of the hotels in the city. But will my family feel less than his family because of money? My parents are korean immigrants and my parents already feel ashamed that they can only speak broken english. I’m worried because I remember feeling incredibly intimidated when I first realized how wealthy his parents were.
Post # 3
Are you assuming your parents will feel weird? Maybe have a conversation about this with them to see how uncomfortable they are?
Post # 4
I am in a similar situation to you but I am 26 and Fiance is 36. We also live in a big city which just so happens to be the city in which Fiance grew up in. I have lived here for 8 years and decided I wanted to get married here.
When I told my parents that they REFUSED to pay for a wedding they only wanted to have a wedding in their city so FI’s parents steped in and were happy to do so. My parents were upset but realized it was our decision, and this was better than eloping.
My advice would be to talk to your parents and see how they are feeling. They may be greatful you are getting a fancy wedding without them having to pay for it. Do make sure that your parents are included in some decisions and make them feel apart of the wedding as well.
Post # 5
Oh I hate money so much! I’m so sorry you are going through this. That’s fantastic that the extra $30,000 can help pay for your family’s hotel rooms though!
My dad and stepmom are constantly asking if FI’s parents can pay for the rehearsal dinner or what they are contributing to the wedding. Now, my dad is not loaded or anything. He is a retired school teacher and my stepmom sells purfume at the mall. FI’s mom lives paycheck to paycheck from running a daycare out of her house, and his dad just got laid off. I feel really awkward asking them to pay for ANYTHING. It’s the worst!
Post # 6
Only you know your family well enough to answer this question IMO. Each family is different. My family has money and FI’s does not (although Fiance makes more than I do – so in some ways, it evens out). His family is unable to help with anything wedding-related though they have offered and my family has helped with a few things (we’re paying for the wedding ourselves for the most part). In general, FI’s family is not intimidated because they love us enough to overlook the financial differences between his family and mine and realize that it is OUR day, not the parents’.
If FI’s family has been gracious and polite and haven’t shown off their wealth to you and your family aside from simply picking up the tab for the wedding, then I think your parents will just have to accept this and be happy that you are happy.
I would, however, refrain from discussing ALL the ways FI’s family is helping out or what they give unless your parents specifically ask. For example, if FI’s family is giving you a ton of very expensive gifts, I would just downplay it to your parents (e.g. “Oh, they just gave us a few things” versus “Oh, they gave us x, y and z and wow, it’s so extravagant.”)
Post # 7
Talk to your parents. They may actually be happy that you are able to have this lavish wedding even though they can’t contribute much to it monetarily. You can’t assume how they will feel without talking to them.
Post # 8
I am in a very similar situation. My FI’s family is very well off and my family, well my mom is living in hotels right now because she couldn’t pay for her apt. I come from a VERY poor family and my Fiance comes from being pretty wealthy. His parents are 2 of the sweetest people I know and are paying for our shower and hosting it. My mom can’t pay for anything for any part of the wedding and may just barely make it to the wedding if she can find enough money to get there from Texas since it’s in California. I feel bad at times too because his parents do so much for me and my mom can’t do anything. My mom feels intimidated a little when she is around them and feels really bad because she knows their financial status pretty much, but they don’t act like they have money. They are still so sweet and will give me the shirt off their back if I needed it.
I am just grateful for his parents and everything they do and give to us even if we don’t need it. I would do what PP said. Maybe talk to your parents and ask them how they feel and there may be little ways to incorporate them into the planning of it all :o). FI’s family is including my sister in the planning of our shower and my sister can’t do anything or hardly anything financially for the shower but his mom is so sweet she told her not to worry about it and that she can help plan it all though :o).
Post # 9
My parents have pretty much paid almost fully for both my sisters weddings and will be doing the same for Me and Fiance. My brother in laws families didn’t contribute and my Fiance family most probably wont either.
My parents are aware of the situation….they are financially able to pay for a wedding and want to host a party in a custom, which is appropriate for their circle.
I’m sure your in laws are just like my parents….they want to host a nice wedding for you guys.
They don’t expect anything from your parents and family other than they have a goood time…..I’m sure they love you and know that your family must be great as they have raised a lovely girl like you.
i’m sure your in laws will go out of their way to make your family feel welcome.
However I would brief your parents and family on what the day will be like….the less surprises the more comfortable they will be…and the more they will enjoy the day.
I would try get both sets of parents together loads more leading up to the wedding…that way they have more time to get comfortable with eachother.
Post # 10
Is there something meaningful your family could contribute that isn’t monetary? Or if you spoke to your FI’s parents, do you think they would understand if you asked them to dial things back a bit?
Post # 11
How generous of his family to pay for their rooms out of your budget! Ask your parents, as other posters suggested, and don’t make a big deal about it (you’ll have to be careful about talking about your wedding). But, don’t forget to include your parents in non-monetary ways! Ask your parents to help with the invitations if you are DIYing or stuff the Out of Town bags, or maybe they will take the gifts back after the wedding and hold them for you, etc. There are MANY non-monetary ways they can contribute to the wedding, so ask them (without making it be duties, that is) and let them know how helpful that is.
And don’t forget to blend your family traditions into the wedding, whether that’s wedding attire, or some korean food, etc. I bet your guests will love it – I would!